The Complete Useful Idiot’s Guides To The English Language

It really does exist. I found a copy on the street after the Women’s March in Washington, left with the trashed p*ssy signs and a hijab made from the American flag. It was marked ”Top Secret”, so I’m sure whoever dropped it will get a proper a** spanking by Linda Sarsour.

Unfortunately it was missing a few pages, but I promise I’ll share the rest with you, if I ever get my hands on them. Here you go:

Apartheid: Anything and everything Israel does.

BDS: Officially, we boycott Israel in a very peaceful manner and LOVE Jews. We even have Jewish friends (make sure to make one up, preferably with a very Jewish sounding surname, if asked) and they all love us back. Unofficially, we hate the land grabbing Zionist pigs with all our hearts, and wish to free Palestine (see P) from the river to the sea.

Brexit: We don’t really understand what it means, but we hate it regardless.

Bullshit: The best way to win a debate, next to screaming and calling people a racist (see R).

Bullying: The best way to make annoying people who dare go against us, shut the hell up. Preferably do it in groups, and with signs that says ”Love and peace to all!” for distraction.

Character: Attack a person’s character whenever you get a chance. Calling someone a racist (see R), fascist (see F), homophobic (see H) pig, usually does the trick. It doesn’t matter if it’s not true, as long as they stay silent. See B for bullshit and bullying.

Christians: Who needs these bible thumping white-only imperialists? Not us.

Democracy: We only like it, when we get what we want and our political candidates win. Otherwise we hate it.

Devil: Israel (see I).

End: Remember, the end ALWAYS justifies the means.

Fascist: Anyone that doesn’t share our opinions and world view.

Feminist: Every woman except the ones who don’t share our opinions and world view.

Genocide: One Palestinian terrorist killed.

Hate: Very useful, especially when adding the words love, tolerance and understanding in the mix for confusion.

Hijab: A trendy fashion accessory to show the world that we love all people (except Jews).

History: Rewrite it as much as possible to fit our cause (whatever that is). Especially works when discussing the Palestinians (see P).

Homophobe: Anyone that doesn’t share our opinions and world view. We especially like to show our love for the LGBT community by screaming Allah Akhbar at women’s marches, while wearing a hijab and lots of rainbow colored signs that says ”Free Palestine”. By this, we manage to show our love for Arab countries and hate for Israel in one go. A win-win! That gays and women have absolutely no rights in the Muslim world, and get stoned, mutilated, raped and thrown of roofs are of no concern to us. Remember, Hate Trumps Common Sense!

Israel: Devil (see D).

Islam: Do not in any way, shape or form criticize this flawless religion of peace.

Jews: Can be useful for tolerance bonus points.

Jihadists: Freedom fighters.

Liberal: Regressive Left (see R).

Main stream media: Are currently being infiltrated (see Secret Agenda UPDATE 2.2.5), in order to be of even better use to us.

Misogynist: Anyone that doesn’t share our opinions and world view.

Muslims: Do not in any way, shape or form criticize. Ever.

Nazi: Anyone that doesn’t share our opinions and world view.

Oxymoron: Our favorite word.

Palestinian: A real people invented (see O for oxymoron) in the late 60s by their leader, the Egyptian Yasser Arafat (bless his soul!), living in a real country occupied by Israel (see I), since the dawn of time. No matter what they do, remember the Palestinians are ALWAYS innocent, angel like victims suffering from oppression and genocide (see G). They can never do any wrong. Besides Goebbels (boy, did he master the art of propaganda!) they are our role model: no other real, imaginary people have managed so well to rewrite history (see H) and sell it to the world. They are truly our heroes!

Pallywood: The only producer of movies we will ever watch.

Racist: Anyone that doesn’t share our opinions and world view.

Regressive Left: What we really are, although officially we are liberals (see L). No one knows what a Liberal is anymore, but it’s a feel-good buzz word that will distract your critics. Use it as much as possible!

Screaming: Always scream no matter what you say. Remember, the louder person always wins, even when talking bullshit (see B).

Trump: We hate him. We really, really hate him. No matter what he says or do, we hate him. Almost as much as Israel (see I).

UN: Our favorite organization of all time. Remember to always throw in a few numbers of various resolutions when debating – don’t worry, no one reads or understands them anyway.

Xenophobe: Anyone that doesn’t share our opinions and world view.


About the Author
Opinionated Swedish Sami Jew, with a lot of Viking Chutzpah, living in Israel.