The ‘din Torah’ that might have been!
A Playlet In One Act
SCENE: The Western Plains of Moab. A Beth Din comprised of ITAMAR, CHANIEL and ELITSAFAN (ben Parnakh) are seated. PALTIEL the chief clerk is also in attendance.
ITAMAR: Paltiel, please see who is at the door.
Paltiel opens the door of the tent to reveal BILAAM flanked by PINCHAS and TSILIA (of the tribe of Dan)
PINCHAS: Esteemed Dayanim! Bilaam has been captured and has pleaded for his life to be spared. He declared to us in a prepared statement that some of his best friends are Jewish and that he is, quote, “not an antisemite like that genocidal maniac Amalek, only anti-Zionist”. I asked Moshe Rabeinu a sha’alah and he said he would have to set up a special Sanhedrin under the leadership of Elazar to pass judgment on him. The Sanhedrin has convened. Bilaam has been convicted of having caused the deaths of 24,000 Israelites and has been sentenced to be executed. However he has been given leave, prior to his execution, to present a monetary case to Beth Din and I have therefore brought him to you.
ITAMAR: Let the plaintiff speak.
BILAAM (unctuously): I wish to take Balak to Din Torah. I have come to respect the Torah above all other judicial systems and know that, despite all I have done to harm you, you will treat me fairly in this matter.
CHANIEL: Indeed.. But as you are being executed what is the point of your monetary case?
BILAAM: My money is more important to me than my life!
ITAMAR: Really! It is a pity you have not studied the words of wisdom immortalised by my second-cousin Korach’s sons: “For upon his death he won’t take any of his monetary wealth with him” (Psalms 49:18). But there is a more serious impediment. In Torah law, one litigant may not present his case in the absence of another. Since we don’t know where Balak is …
BILAAM (insolently interrupting the Dayanim). That is not a problem!
Bilaam immediately employs his powers of sorcery to summon Balak.
BALAK (gruffly): Is it you who have brought me here, you pitiful son of Be’or? My power of sorcery is greater than yours as you well know.I could make myself disappear in a moment. But my desire to see you executed is overwhelming! Besides, these Dayanim may do nothing to me. I know their scripture and it doesn’t allow them to lay a hand on the progeny of Moab at the present time (Deut. 2:9). (Turning triumphantly to the Dayanim) I’m right, aren’t I!
ITAMAR: Don’t worry. Even though we are not convinced you are really a Moabite by ancestry, we don’t intend to take a chance on it by harming you and angering G‑D. But your erstwhile protégé here has a monetary grievance against you which he would like us to judge according to the law of the Torah. Will you subject yourself to our judgment?
BALAK (yawning): What difference does it make? He’s a dead dog anyway! Let the shmendrick speak!
BILAAM (ignoring the insult). When Balak hired me to curse your people, the understanding was he would pay me for my skills and for my time. I was prevented from successfully carrying out my mission only by an act of G‑D. Plus I gave him good advice which he followed with spectacular results. So Balak owes me my full fee plus a large bonus!
ITAMAR: What does the defendant have to say?
BALAK: It’s quite clear. I hired him to wipe out your people with a curse – not that I’m antisemitic you understand, but I don’t want your Zionist army colonising Canaan our neighbouring country and eventually threatening us. Anyway…
PALTIEL: Excuse me for interrupting you but you yourself just a few moments ago acknowledged the fact that we have no permission or intention to harm Moab!
BALAK: Don’t confuse me with facts. Anyway, as I was saying, he proved a lame duck or, you might say, a quack. The 24,000 males he claims credit for constitutes one in 25 of their men and just 1 in 125 of the entire nation. Not what I call success! Therefore I don’t owe the shlemiel a cent!
ITAMAR: We shall deliberate.
The Dayanim exit and return a short while later.
ITAMAR: We have reached a verdict. Our oral tradition teaches that the burden of proof inmonetary cases lies with the plaintiff. We do not believe the plaintiff has sufficiently demonstrated his right to extract money from the defendant. Therefore we find for the defendant. (Turning to Balak) We would, however, advise, if the defendant wishes to redeem his sullied soul at least in part for his despicable scheme, that he deposit the money he had laid aside to pay the plaintiff in escrow for his great-great-granddaughter who, one of our prophets, Eldad, foresees, will be a very special young woman, will join our nation and will be a founder of our royal dynasty. (Turning to Bilaam) As for the plaintiff, now that his civil case has been resolved his capital sentence need be delayed no longer. We strongly advise him to confess his sins forthwith to the G‑D he professes to believe in so sincerely. Although our tradition states that “Bilaam has no share in the World to Come” (Sanhedrin 90a), it equally teaches that “one should never despair of Divine mercy” (Berakhot 10a).
Turning to Pinchas). Court Executioner, sharpen your sword. Take the convicted criminal away!
And Bilaam son of Beor they executed with the sword (Num 31:8)
Based on Torah and Midrashic sources and the imagination of the author.
