The Divine Drama Triangle

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am constantly searching. Searching for connection and purpose in my life’s spiritual and mundane undertakings. As one can imagine, this is an exhaustive undertaking. Words like contentment and baseline are rarely part of my daily repertoire. 

As I’ve worked through this challenge, I’ve found myself, like others, playing different roles within the relationship I have with God. After some research, I feel our divine relationship sometimes resembles the psychological concept of the Drama Triangle created by Stephen Karpman, MD in the 1960s.

Karpman proposed that within every dysfunctional social structure, there exists a dynamic power struggle of roles; namely a Victim, Rescuer, and Prosecutor. (Karpman, 1971). 

The Rescuer perpetuates the dysfunctional relationship by constantly needing to “save others’ from perceived harm or misfortune, leaving little autonomy for another person to experience social maturity. The Victim is continuously at the mercy of outside sources and circumstances. Someone or something is always out to get them and they take no responsibility or control over what happens to them. They feel completely helpless. Finally, the Prosecutor is the fault-finding and critical entity within the relationship, finding the “wrong” or “bad” in the actions of the Victims and Rescuers but providing no wisdom or instruction to assist them in correcting their actions. Many of us know people like each of the above roles and too much of any of them is a recipe for disaster. 

So now, you may ask, what does this have to do with my relationship with God? Can a godly relationship actually be dysfunctional? Absolutely. 

Jewish tradition teaches us that one of the challenges about the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden was perception. Prior to Adam eating from the Tree of Knowledge, he was not only able to see his fellow creations but actually perceive their inner essence and functions. Essentially Adam was able to look “through” an object and ascertain its equally balanced spiritual and physical existence. This changed once he ate from the tree. Only physicality remained. 

As inheritors of Adam, we too have difficulty perceiving the spiritual essence of most things. We experience the events of our daily lives within the context of our own personal reality, one that is often distorted by our emotional and experiential roadblocks. Because of this, we find ourselves unable to comprehend the true inner meaning and purpose of God in our lives and enter into our own dysfunctional triangle with God. One with unmet expectations and unclear roles. 

The Divine Drama Triangle

The Divine Victim

Everyone has a story. A lost relationship, an opportunity that you worked intensely to achieve but didn’t come to fruition, the illness or death of a friend or loved one. We have all been divine victims. We cry out in prayerful anger, sadness and disbelief over that which we have lost and declare ourselves utterly defenseless against the will and processes of God. We attempt to soothe our victimhood by declaring “all that God does is for the best” or that rejection is surely God’s protection. Rendering ourselves defenseless and taking no responsibility for the outcomes of our situation. 

The Divine Rescuer

In a strange twist of our inability to accept anything but victimhood, we find ourselves pivoting to the role of martyrdom. We say to ourselves “surely God is using this opportunity to teach me a lesson through suffering, to provide me with less and others more in an effort to humble and strengthen me to have a spirit of giving and not be jealous of others. Numerous other scenarios of divine martyrdom abound. 

The Divine Prosecutor 

This one I find to be the most prevalent and fascinating because it not only exists within our relationship with God but also within the relational dynamics of our faith communities as well. Surely, one of our favorite dogmatic pastimes is playing judge and prosecutor. The Lord cannot do this because of X, the Lord cannot cure this because of Y. Endless pontification over the actions of God being cemented in the confines of free will and subsequent hate and disdain for others who aren’t “doing things they are supposed to.”

So hence, we have a predicament. How do we create a healthy dynamic with a God we would like to think we understand, but clearly don’t, and transfer that relationship into a meaningful existence amidst His creation?

The answer, says Karpman, is to simply leave the triangle. Change your mindset. 

The Divine Partnership

Once we begin to perceive our relationship with God as a paradoxical contrast of both divine asset and partner we can then begin to heal the dysfunctional crusades of the past and foster a more meaningful and intimate relationship with the divine. In any marriage or friendship it would be ludicrous to expect any person to meet expectations all the time!. Additionally, many marriage therapists would tell you to never attempt to change your partner. So why do we attempt to change God?

Let God Be God

The reason for the dysfunction in our divine relationship with God is our persistent attempts to use the power of God’s inner knowing, found earlier in the Garden of Eden, without the aid of the user’s perception manual. We strive to be God rather than emulate God. 

Confusion and frustration will consistently abound if we attempt to understand something, or even be something, we are not. Once we embrace our true roles as the paradoxical servants and divine partners of God, then we can truly interact with God in a healthy and beneficial way that feels truthful and authentic. 

Karpman S. (1971). Options. Transactional Analysis Journal. (I), 79–87.