The Hamas – IDF Football Game

The teams: Hamas

Offensive lineup

(no defensive team needed)

Quarterback:  Ismail Haniyeh    Record:  From his point of view, they have won every contest against the Zionist Entity

Strong points: Very quick, very deceptive. His team always come up with new plays that catch the Israeli players off guard. They love to cheat and imagine themselves to be undefeatable.

Weak points: They have never been officially recognized as a team; but as they have been in the ‘the hood’ since time immemorial, they figure they deserve their own team.

Israel

Defensive lineup

(no offensive team was ever developed)

Defensive Coach: Lt. Gen Gabi Eizenkot.  His record: tries to end every game in a tie. Never developed a winning strategy.

Strong points:  His team has strengths that could crush the other side. This should make them afraid to play against Israel; but as they never see the Israel players’ strength, they think they are equally as strong. Israeli Players are faithful, obedient, capable, very strong physically with unmatchable endurance.

Weak Points:  Coach Eizenkot likes to play for the admiration of the fans; not the local fans but the international fans and is particularly fond of the European Union.  He looks for their approval after every play. If he detects that they are displeased, he will tell his team to drop an intercepted pass or miss a tackle; and has been known to allow the Hamas team to score so he will appear to be a fair-minded coach.

The Officials

The European Union supplies twenty refs, each with a whistle. Each ref has the authority to determine the rules of the game according to how they interpret the situation on the field.

The game begins

As always, all games start whenever Hamas is ready.  Israeli players wait patiently, some grilling with their families, some doing stretches and exercises; some davening and studying.  When Hamas is ready, each team member throws a softball size stone at the Israeli fans.  If no one is killed, the referee gives the ball to the Israeli team for the opening kickoff. The Israeli team is not the least bit angry since, this time, nobody was killed. “Praise God for his kindness!” If someone would have been killed, for sure there would have been a five yard penalty against Hamas.  After all, fair is fair.

Israel lines up for the opening kickoff.  Not wanting to be unfair in any way, the punter points to the part of the field where he expects the ball to land. The kick appears accurate and as it’s flying on its projected trajectory down field, both teams run in that direction, at least that’s what it looked like. Suddenly, Hamas players are throwing illegal knee blocks and clipping from behind, things the officials notice but do not call as fouls. After all, Hamas is the underdog, always.  Israel is considered superior by every measurement, therefore ‘equalizers’ are allowed.

The ball comes down where the nice kicker had promised but the Hamas kick returner clumsily drops the catch.  He screams, ‘5 second rule!’ causing all players on the field to stop where they are while he scrambles to gain control of the ball within five seconds.  Once he has done so and starts running, the others can move again as well.  He darts right and left up the field to their own forty yard line where he is pulverizingly tackled by the defense.  Whistles blow all over the field, ‘unnecessary force!’ Israel is penalized ten yards and Hamas is given six points just to be fair.  Israel’s coach nods in agreement, ashamed of his aggressive players who seem to excessively love to tackle Hamas players. To himself, Coach Eizenkot mumbles, ‘I’ve got to talk to my players in the half time about a nicer way to tackle; a way that is just as effective and doesn’t offend anyone.’  He is of course thinking of introducing the tactic of hugging that appeared to be very effective in Kung Fu Panda 3.

Once Hamas has been able to form a huddle (they just spent ten minutes distributing candy and celebrating their victory over the Zionist entity), QB Haniyeh gives the play, ‘kill them all, on three.’ They break and line up across from the tough Israeli defense.  Haniyeh starts the three count, “hut one, hut..” his entire front line charges forward, stabbing and slicing with weapons that were illegally passed out in the huddle.  Haniyeh laterals to his fullback who easily runs around the wounded players for a huge gain before being finally pushed out of bounds by one of Israel’s still mobile players.  Whistles blow everywhere immediately.   ‘Apartheid shove!’

Coach Eizenkot is so upset, he almost raises his voice, “My goodness, what kind of call is that!?”

The EU field judge condescendingly explains, “Pushing a Hamas player out of bounds symbolizes pushing him out of Israel’s field of responsibility.  You cannot push anyone out of the playing field!  Fifteen yards against Israel and eight points for Hamas!”  Coach Eizenkot hurriedly jots down the new rule.  ‘Makes sense to me, I wish I would have known about it ahead of time.’  He truly is looking forward to the game in which no fouls are called and the EU accepts him as the honorable coach he knows he is.

The Hamas team huddles again to receive Haniyeh’s next play. ‘Stomp on their necks!’ The huddle breaks with a loud ‘Alahu Akbar!’

Haniyeh takes the snap and floats back while looking for an open receiver down field. There is no pass rush, that would be too aggressive (Coach Eizenkot is hoping that the EU is positively noting his coaching skills). After six minutes of looking for an open receiver, finally a kite arrives and drops a fire bomb on the field, causing enough confusion to allow a Hamas receiver to break into the open.  He flails his arms and yells, “Alahu Akbar, I’m free” and Haniyeh tosses the ball in his direction.  His pass didn’t even cover half the distance to the receiver who was only ten yards down field; but an alert Israeli defensive end with quick reflexes snatches the ball before it hits the ground and tears off towards the goal line.  There is no Hamas player between him and a certain score.

Haniyeh screams, “Cease Fire!!  Oops, I mean Time Out!!”

All whistles blow, louder than ever, as the Israeli continues across the goal line.

“The ball is dead at the 12 yard line due to the called time out. When play resumes, it will be the Hamas’ ball.”

Since I’m making myself sick as I write this, I will pretend that I’m finished and ask our military leaders to please, please, please play by the realistic rules of conflict.  Let’s don’t respond to cease fires ever again.  The only words we Israelis are willing to accept from Hamas are “we surrender”!

Dear Lt Gen Eizenkot, listen to the Israelis for a change. Let our team be the most important on your mind. Let them be the best they can be.