The High Holidays’ Call: How to Listen and Speak
Jewish tradition invites us, every year, to look back at the past year, reflect, acknowledge our missteps, and commit to do better in the year ahead. In many ways, this tradition is about fixing, maintaining and strengthening our relationships – our relationship with God and our relationships with other people. It is no coincidence, then, that the High Holidays balance two essential human acts needed for relationships: listening and speaking.
On Rosh Hashanah, the central mitzvah is to listen—to the shofar, to God, and to ourselves. Traditionally, the sound of the shofar is intended to awaken us and jolt us to repent for our wrongdoings. It is also likened to the sound of a mother crying over the death of her son. In other words, it’s a sound that is most likely to spur empathy for the other. It’s a sound that is hard to turn away from. The call of the shofar is the call for us to listen carefully to those around us, to hear what they are really saying and understand what they are feeling.
In contrast, Yom Kippur is a day of speaking—most notably through the repeated recitation of the viduy, the confessional prayer. The rabbis teach us that atonement must be done through verbal acknowledgment of the sin. Thinking that we’re sorry is not enough. We must articulate being sorry with words, preferably out loud and in community. We apologize for our individual and collective wrongdoings, standing with many of the people that we’ve wronged in the room.
This dual focus on listening and speaking, mirrors the rhythm of most meaningful relationships and the conversations that sustain them. The best exchanges move back and forth between listening and speaking. Too much listening without response can make the speaker feel that her friend is cut off and distant. Too much speaking without listening feels domineering. Rosh Hashanah teaches us to begin by listening—taking in the year that was, deeply understanding ourselves and others, hearing the truths we might prefer to ignore. Yom Kippur then gives us words, carefully crafted apologies, to respond and repair.
To further accentuate the importance of speech, the Al Chet confessional prayer of Yom Kippur lists 44 confessions, and 12 of them are about sins committed through speech. What we say and how we say it isn’t a new problem. Every year, our tradition pushes us to commit to speaking in better ways.
As we prepare for Yom Kippur and the year ahead, let’s look at some of these confessions and consider what they might teach us about how to communicate better throughout the year, even when we disagree.
1. וְעַל חֵטְא שֶׁחָטָאנוּ לְפָנֶיךָ בְּאִמּוּץ הַלֵּב
“For the sin we committed before You by callously hardening the heart.”
For the sin of shutting down our curiosity when we’re faced with a difference of opinion.
2. וְעַל חֵטְא… בְּבִטּוּי שְׂפָתָיִם
“For the sin we committed before You with an utterance of the lips.”
For the sin of blurting out words carelessly, using words that escalate conflict rather than calming it down.
3. עַל חֵטְא… בְּדִבּוּר פֶּה
“For the sin we committed before You through speech.”
For the sin of using words at all, when we really should have been listening.
4. עַל חֵטְא… בְּוִדּוּי פֶּה
“For the sin we committed before You with [mere] verbal confession.”
For the sin of saying “you’re right,” without meaning it, just to avoid the conflict or to avoid taking real responsibility..
5. על חטא…בטומאת שפתיים
“For the sin we have committed before You by impure lips.”
For the sin of using hateful words, when kind and thoughtful words almost always can achieve a better outcome.
- עַל חֵטְא… בְּטִפְּשׁוּת פֶּה
“For the sin we committed before You with foolish talk.”
For the sin of responding too quickly—without thought and without real interest in what the other person is saying—just to win a point.
7. על חטא…בכחש וכזב
“For the sin we have committed before you by deceit and lies.”
For the sin of spreading false information, especially through the words we use on social media.
8. עַל חֵטְא… בְּלָצוֹן
“For the sin we committed before You by scoffing.”
For the sin of being sarcastic and ridiculing others, shutting down the possibility of mutuality and real engagement.
9. עַל חֵטְא… בְּלָשׁוֹן הָרָע
“For the sin we committed before You by evil talk [slander].”
For the sin of sharing gossip and rumors about others, attacking a person rather than discussing her ideas.
10. עַל חֵטְא… בְּשִׂיחַ שִׂפְתוֹתֵינוּ
“For the sin we committed before You by the prattle of our lips.”
For the sin of empty chatter, using words to fill space rather than leaving room for others.
- עַל חֵטְא… בִּרְכִילוּת
“For the sin we committed before You by talebearing.”
For the sin of passing along stories – even true ones – that exacerbate a situation, rather than easing it.
12. עַל חֵטְא… בִּשְׁבוּעַת שָׁוְא
“For the sin we committed before You by swearing in vain.”
For the sin of empty promises that erode trust and chip away at our integrity.
The High Holidays remind us that to sustain ourselves and our relationships we must listen carefully and respond thoughtfully. We must work hard to really hear what is being said, and in turn we must choose our words wisely, admitting to wrong when needed, and responding boldly when needed.
May our listening and speaking this year bring more peace, more truth, and more understanding.