The Jewish Long Goodbye
David blinked his eyes and made a tiny, almost imperceptible motion toward the front door. Ann, having been married to David for nearly 50 years, knew his every move – especially this one – the head gesture to the left that meant “let’s get going. It’s time to leave.”
Slowly Ann lifted herself from the easy chair, straightened her skirt and looked around for her tote bag – the one she used to carry her famous kreplach to every family gathering.
As she headed toward the kitchen, Ann saw it coming; Aunt Ruth’s bear hug and lament. “Oh Annie, don’t go so soon. I want to tell you about my kreplach disaster!” At that, cousin Gordon piped up with a story from his grandfather about harvesting beets in the Old Country, while Ruth’s sister shouted from the kitchen that Ann and David should wait a minute more while she wrapped the leftover pie.
But it wasn’t a minute. It wasn’t 15 minutes. Forty minutes later Ann and David offered hugs all around and made their exit from a phenomenon well-known to every Jewish extended family, the “Jewish Long Goodbye.”
Journalist Chaim Steinmetz (Jewish Journal 12/22/23) believes that Jewish protracted leave-taking is a cultural response, often triggered by the subtle yet powerful, “Let’s get going,” and that for some Jewish families saying the word, “goodbye” is speaking an inscrutable foreign language.
Steinmetz goes on to say that “the process typically involves announcing the departure, moving to the coat rack or doorway, starting entirely new deep conversations, and lingering for repeated hugs. Culturally, it stems from a deep-rooted reluctance toward finality, separation, and the warmth of communal connection.”
Journalist Samantha Long’s article “The Magic of the Jewish Long Goodbye” (2/22/22) describes the leaving process as a manifestation of Jewish storytelling skills that began thousands of years ago and found a heyday in shtetl times. Long writes that regarding the decades-long Jewish contributions to entertainment and the arts “this Jewish presence has always signified an outstanding creativity and affinity for storytelling that exists within the global Jewish community.”
Yet the Jewish Long Goodbye may have a traditional connection that runs even deeper. Could it be that our reluctance to let go derives from the obscure and often misunderstood holiday of Shemini Atzeret, a festival sandwiched between the end of Sukkot and the beginning of Simchat Torah, the last holiday in the High Holy Day cycle?
Legend has it that rabbinic sages compared Shemini Atzeret to a king who hosts a massive festival for his family, neighbors, friends and even travelers passing by. When the feast ends and everyone prepares to leave, the king turns to his children and asks them to stay just one extra, quiet day with him. Later, the rabbis compared the king’s request to what God asks of us Jews: that we understand and appreciate how important it is to spend an intimate, focused time connecting with our spiritual selves. (Exploring Judaism).
In the phrase Shemini Atzeret the word “shemini” has its roots in the word “gathering,” while “atzeret” is rooted in Hebrew as “to hold back” “to stop,” or “to pause.” In modern terms, we gather to “hold back” our exit and to “pause” before leaving our family and friends; a beautiful tradition that forms the spiritual foundation of the Jewish Long Goodbye.