The Oldest Person at My Family’s Thanksgiving Table? Me? How Did This Happen?

I can’t remember the exact moment when I realized I was to be the oldest person at my extended family’s Thanksgiving table. But I remember it was quite jarring. How did this happen? Clearly, I know it’s the circle of life. But how did I get to this point on the circle already? And how do I feel about that, other than stunned?

As many of us often do these days, I turned to google and asked, “How does it feel to be the oldest person at the Thanksgiving table?” I was amused to get the following response: “I am an AI, a large language model developed by Google. I do not have a physical presence, age, feelings, a body, or the ability to sit at a table. Therefore, I cannot experience the feeling of being the oldest person present. My responses are generated based on the information and data I was trained on.”

Well, at least in this instance, AI is showing some humility!

As I googled further, I still was unable to get an answer to the specific question I raised. But maybe the more important question is: “What do I do with the shocking realization that I will be the oldest person at the table?”

The Chabad website provides a nice summary of the Torah’s take on old age, based on the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson:

“The Torah considers old age a virtue and a blessing. Throughout the Torah, “old” (zakein) is synonymous with “wise”; the Torah commands us to respect all elderly, regardless of their scholarship and piety, because the many trials and experiences that each additional year of life brings yield a wisdom which the most accomplished young prodigy cannot equal. It describes Abraham as one who ‘grew old and came along in days’ (Genesis 24:1) — his accumulated days, each replete with learning and achievement, meant that, with each passing day, his worth increased. Thus, a ripe old age is regarded as one of the greatest blessings to be bestowed upon man.”

So, on the one hand, the Torah tells others to respect the wisdom of the elderly. On the other, it reminds the elderly to appreciate this segment of life and to regard it as a great blessing.

I do appreciate having all these years of life, especially when I read of others dying at a much younger age. I wonder why I am still here and they are not. But as for being owed respect for my wisdom?

Modesty aside, I can’t truly say that I have any great wisdom to impart to the members of my extended family. They comprise a pretty smart, perceptive group! If I try to think of pearls of wisdom I shared the last time I saw them, I’m at a loss to come up with something. (Ok, maybe I forgot — but if it was really significant, I would remember.) And yet, each of them has probably, at one point or another, taught me something. Especially since, as those who know me can attest, I’m big on asking non-superficial questions. For example, during some recent visits, in response to my curiosity, one of my niece’s sons explained to me how a Toybox 3-D printer works; a teenage second cousin shared what she values about her recent Jewish summer camp experience, and a young adult told me about his new job at a software startup.

Thinking optimistically, perhaps because I acknowledge that people of any age have something to teach me, it means that I’m young at heart? That’s a happy thought!

The truth is that, at these large family gatherings, I really don’t prefer to be the one talking. My goal is to catch up on my relatives’ lives. As my late Aunt Essie (who was previously the oldest one at the table and known to be a great listener) used to say, “I already know what I have to say!”

I’m happy to get that warm smile and cozy hug my cousins Amy and Liam (who often host Thanksgiving) offer me when they open the door. It brings me back to my childhood when my Aunt Essie and Uncle Jeff would do the same. They left no doubt in my young mind that I was a cherished guest.

While it’s true that it’s nice to share good news or recent accomplishments at these get-togethers – and I will do that if it’s something I think particular people would be interested in – mostly they have news for me. Typically, I haven’t seen them in quite a while since they live in Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C. or Colorado.

You might ask, “Doesn’t it feel good to impart insights to the younger generation?” Yes, of course – but only if it’s relevant to them or likely to be helpful in dealing with the challenges they are facing. Perhaps my greater value is to add a dose of validation to their life choices and praise their particular skills and talents.

When we get together with my husband’s family, one of my nephews often asks me, “So what have you been up to?” The question always takes me by surprise – partly because I don’t expect him to be particularly interested, but mostly because I’m flattered that he thinks that at my age I’m still doing something interesting.

But the bottom line is: We all should behave respectfully to each other. I don’t want to be the old relative deserving of particular deference just because I’ve lived a lot of years. It would just be a constant reminder that I’m old – that more of my life is behind me than in front of me. Besides, it’s not like the next oldest person at my family’s Thanksgiving table is so much younger than me – for some, it’s just two or five years!

Besides, wisdom from the younger generations is a treat, especially since they haven’t had the chance to accumulate a large store of deep wisdom yet.

Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my 8-year-old granddaughters shared some wisdom with me that was deeply wise! She and her brother had gotten my husband a pillow case for his birthday with their photos on it —the photos were large–covering the entire pillow case. In a moment of unfiltered honesty, I found myself telling her that it felt a little creepy to me to have their faces staring back at me like that. Her response was instant: “No, it just means that we are with you all the time!” Now that is wisdom at its best!