The People We Know Briefly Who Somehow Never Leave Us

There are people we know for years who gradually disappear from our lives, and then there are people we know only briefly who somehow never leave us. A few months, a handful of conversations, a particular afternoon can make an impression that lasts a lifetime. Perhaps the brevity itself becomes part of what stays with us. We are left staring at that small piece of time, wondering what became of the person who occupied it and who they became after our lives went in different directions. Sometimes we wonder for the rest of our lives. Daniela Herz was such a person for me.

I wrote the following letter after learning that Daniela had died in Tel Aviv in 2019. I decided to publish it because it breaks my heart that she died and has so little online presence. I found only a few scattered traces of her. So I am publishing this here to give Daniela a small place on the internet, where someone searching for her years from now might glimpse what I discovered so many years ago. She was a remarkable person who made an extraordinary impression on me during the brief time I knew her. She was one of those quiet heroes who live in our midst, and people should be able to know that she was here.

Dear M.,

L’Shana Tova.

I knew your sister Daniela decades ago at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. Over the past couple of decades, I occasionally tried to find her without success. Recently, I learned that she had become an analytic psychotherapist, found an address for her in Tel Aviv, and discovered that she had passed away in 2019.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I wanted to tell you why I had been looking for Daniela. I was always curious about what had become of her. She made an enormous impression on me at a time when we were both beginning to build our futures, having left home and entered a liminal stage of our lives.

Our first time together, I took her to a place where you could listen to music through headphones. Afterwards, we had tea and ice cream, and she ordered a banana split. As someone from the United States, I was greatly impressed. Most women I knew then and probably most women I know today would not have ordered one. It is funny what stays with you from decades ago.

What stayed with me most, however, was Daniela herself. I’m not sure I have ever met anyone quite as remarkable. Her maturity and introspection were beyond her years, though I was too young then to fully appreciate the impression she was making on me. When I decided to leave Israel and return to the United States because I did not see a future for myself there, she was upset with me for giving up. I never saw or spoke with her again, but I continued to wonder about her.

I am not surprised that she chose a career in which she gave so much of herself to others. Her maturity, insight, warmth, introspection, and intellect were extraordinary, as were her interest in me and her ability to hear and see me. I did not understand then how unusual those qualities were; I came to appreciate them gradually over the years. I am sorry I never had the chance to tell her these things while she was alive. I debated whether to write to you, but decided you might want to know how someone who knew your sister for only a few months, so long ago, remembers her.

Daniela made one of the deepest impressions anyone has ever made on me. I am better for having known her, even for that short time. It breaks my heart to know that she suffered so much. But she left a lasting mark on this world, and I am one small reflection of it. I regret that I could not tell her. But I am glad that I can tell you.

There is no need to write back. I am simply grateful for the opportunity to tell you what your sister brought into my life.

With heartfelt condolences,

Stephen Stern