The Perfect Gift

For years, the trope of needing to find the perfect present for your child/spouse/parent has fueled the imagination of authors and filmmakers, and has also filled the pockets of merchants cashing in on the “season of giving.” I’m a fan of The Moth, a storytelling community that encourages regular people to tell stories from and of their lives. Their podcast groups these stories thematically; recent episodes have been about holidays, families, and – no surprise – gift-giving.

Last week, storyteller Justin Werfel told of his attempts to give a gift to his nearly-impossible-to-please father. His dad loved sports cars, so 8- or 9-year-old Justin bought him a 100-piece puzzle of a sports car, which his grumpy father thought was silly and a waste of money. The story tells how the adult Justin (and his father) learned what gifts could really mean.

Pharaoh had indecipherable nightmares in this week’s Torah reading of Miketz. His wine steward, the sar hamashkim, spoke up, realizing that he had forgotten Yosef (Joseph), the Jewish dream interpreter he had met in jail. The Torah uses an odd verb form to describe the wine steward’s remark: vayidaber sar hamashkim et Par’o, “the wine steward spoke at Pharaoh.” Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin, the Netziv, explains that the verb vayidaber et, “he spoke at,” is used rather than vayomer el, “he said to,” to show that the wine steward was actually talking to himself: he felt guilty for forgetting Yosef until that moment.

But what the wine steward didn’t realize was that his timing was actually impeccable: remembering Yosef and his particular set of skills at this moment was just what Pharaoh needed. It was a gift for Pharaoh. And it was also a gift for Yosef, who would be able to interpret and assist the Pharaoh in his time of need, thereby positioning Yosef to be amply appreciated and rewarded. (It was also a gift for all of us, since Yosef’s reward of the position of viceroy is what saved our people.) Part of the challenge of gift-giving is to recognize gifts as gifts when we receive them. The friends and family, for example, with whom we connect over Hanukkah are gifts, if we only see them as such.

And gift giving doesn’t only benefit the receiver (including Justin Werfel’s father). It benefits the giver just as much. Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, in Michtav Me’Eliyahu, writes that when we give someone something, we love that person more. The root of the word ahava, “love,” he famously explains, is hav, or “give.” (So if you don’t like someone, Rav Dessler says, give them something: it will change how you feel about them. I’ve tried this, and it works.) 

In this season of giving, as we seek out the perfect gifts for those we love, let’s think about what real gifts we can give – and what impact they will have on us as givers.

Shabbat Shalom and Hanukkah Sameach.