The Protocols of the Wreckers of Zion (satire)

I am proud to unveil, for the first time, The Protocols of the Wreckers of Zion, a secret organization whose existence, until now, was known only to me.

Their inspiration is The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the notorious antisemitic forgery purporting to reveal a Jewish plan for world domination. More than a century after its publication, some people still believe it is genuine. It is therefore only natural that an organization would emerge to thwart this sinister conspiracy. So, I imagined, or perhaps discovered, the Wreckers of Zion.

Alas, this first report about them will also be the last. This is because, having realized that Israel’s government is doing their work for them, they voted to dissolve their organization.

After three or four years without meeting, the organization’s leaders gathered once again at a secret location to discuss how best to foil those cunning Jews. The first speaker was an English historian of Zionism, who surprised everyone by arguing that their efforts had become unnecessary.

He began by explaining that the success of the mythical “Elders of Zion” depended on one indispensable condition: solidarity. Without it, the entire project would eventually weaken and collapse. Happily, he reported, the Israeli government was not only deepening internal divisions, but also driving a wedge between Israel and the Jewish Diaspora. It routinely denounces Jews abroad who refuse to endorse every one of its actions, dismisses those who describe the damage its policies inflict on their communities, and increasingly alienates anyone daring to voice criticism.

No outside organization, he argued, could hope to undermine Jewish solidarity, both within Israel and across the Diaspora, as effectively as Israel’s own government.

To demonstrate just how extraordinary this development was, the notoriously long-winded professor summoned the memory of Brigadier Frederick Kisch, the distinguished Zionist leader who settled in Mandatory Palestine and was later killed in North Africa while serving in the British Army during World War II. Kisch’s life, the historian argued, proved that multiple identities and loyalties can coexist, provided of course that they are allowed to.

At that point, however, he exceeded his allotted time and wandered from his assigned topic. He went on and on in his enthusiastic praise of the achievements of Yoav Kisch, the brigadier’s grandson and Israel’s current Minister of Education.

This requires some explanation. When responsibilities had originally been divided among the organization’s senior members, no one had thought it necessary to appoint someone to be in charge of sabotaging education. Surely, everyone assumed, the “People of the Book” would devote their finest talents and resources to learning.

The audience listened in astonishment as the professor described how the minister was undermining education, scholarship, and excellence itself. Members immediately demanded to know whether any one of them had secretly recruited him to their cause, perhaps even paid him. When it became clear that no one had, they reacted in perfect unison: “Impossible!”

One expert after another, in field after field, went on to describe how the supposedly fearsome Zionists were now dismantling their own achievements, which had earned Israel admiration and respect throughout much of the world. Their reports provoked the same incredulous response every time: “Impossible!” Some speakers even felt compelled to produce databases and artificial-intelligence searches to prove to their collaborators that they had invented nothing; every example of Israel’s self-destruction was real.

And so it happened that several hours after convening, the Wreckers of Zion reached a startling conclusion. They realized that they had vastly overestimated not only their enemies’ power but also their competence, and especially their wisdom. There remained little point in fearing the people who seemed determined to demolish the Third Jewish Commonwealth with their own hands.

The organization therefore voted to disband, celebrated the unexpected gift of a long weekend, and headed for the beach.

Before parting, however, they agreed to stay in touch. This is because there remains, after all, a slim chance that the Elders of Zion will one day stop sabotaging the Zionist enterprise themselves. Should that day arrive, the Wreckers of Zion may feel the need to reconvene.