The Secret to Overcoming Resetnment

The most common stresses in life don’t always come from challenges and tragedies. Often, they come from our sense of unfairness. Some people pay thousands of dollars on business ventures, and when they lose their investment, they sigh and move on. But when these same people lose a trial and are ordered to pay their competitor thousands of dollars, they seethe.

They don’t seethe because they have to pay the fine. It is a business expense, and they can well afford it. They seethe because their competitor will end up with their money. They would gladly pay ten thousand dollars so long as no one takes advantage of them.

How do we get away from this terrible trait?

Jacob and Laban
We all know the story. Jacob met Rachel and fell in love. He promised her his hand in marriage, and preparations for the wedding commenced. Laban, Rachel’s father, demanded a steep price for his daughter’s hand. Jacob had to work to the bone as his father-in-law’s shepherd for seven straight years. Jacob did it willingly and gladly. The time raced by for him in his love for his bride.

Then on the night of the wedding, Laban deceived Jacob, placing Leah under the veil rather than her sister Rachel. When Jacob demanded to know why this was done, Laban replied that it was not customary to marry the younger sister before the older sister.

Laban then dared to offer a swap. If you really want Rachel, you can have her too, but you will need to work for me another seven years.

If this were me, I would be incensed. Not only did you deceive me, but you intend to profit from your deception by gaining my employment for another seven years? I never asked for Leah. Not only are you forcing me to remain married to her, but you are also forcing me to give you seven more years of my life?

We seethe on Jacob’s behalf as we watch him consent to the arrangement. But what is striking is that Jacob never complains about the deception. He accepts Leah and agrees to work another seven years. There is no indication that he resents Laban for having gotten the better of him. How did he do it? How did he avoid the resentment that would consume most of us?

Rent-Free Space
The truth is that when we rail over another person’s audacity, we allow them to live in our head rent-free. The best way to get over an injustice is to step away from the resentment it causes.

Consider Jacob’s predicament. Was the problem that he had to work for Rachel for seven more years? He would have to work regardless. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and he had to support his family.

Was it that he was married to Leah? True, he never bargained for Leah, but she wasn’t a terrible wife. The commentaries explain that Jacob did not hate Leah; his love for Rachel merely made his feelings toward Leah appear like hatred by comparison. Leah was a devoted wife and phenomenal mother. In time, they developed a meaningful relationship, and Jacob ultimately chose to be buried beside her. She wasn’t his first choice, but there was nothing inherently wrong with being married to her.

Could he have divorced Leah and left with Rachel? Perhaps. But what would that accomplish? It would not make him any happier. He would still have been deceived, and he would have sacrificed the family and future that awaited him simply to satisfy his resentment.

What then was the real problem? Laban had gotten the better of him and stood to profit from his deception. The temptation was to let that indignity consume him, to resent the thought that Laban could get away with it and laugh behind his sleeve.

But Jacob didn’t allow that to happen. He accepted his circumstances and carried on with his life. Laban could have his satisfaction. Jacob had more important things to attend to.

Divine Providence
This is easier said than done. Jacob managed it, but how can ordinary people like us achieve the same mindset? It feels unattainable.

The answer lies in contemplating G-d’s role in our circumstances. From Jacob’s perspective, remaining seven more years in Laban’s home might have seemed like an injustice. But from G-d’s perspective, this was precisely where Jacob was meant to be. And it was for his benefit.

Jacob was meant to remain in Laban’s home and build a large family there. He was also destined to grow exceedingly wealthy by the time he left Laban’s estate. What looked like an unfortunate arrangement would prove both spiritually fulfilling and materially rewarding.

Could Jacob have divorced Leah and absconded with Rachel against her father’s will? Maybe, if Rachel was willing. But what would they have achieved? If Divine Providence had brought them to Laban for seven more years, their mission was to be fulfilled there. By leaving, they would have sacrificed both the family they were destined to build and the immense wealth they would accumulate.

Most importantly, they would have missed the cosmic purpose for which they had been thrust into those circumstances. Looking back, we can see what Jacob, Leah, and Rachel accomplished by remaining in Laban’s home. By raising a large, Jewishly committed family in the Diaspora, miles away from the Holy Land, they paved the way for the millions of Jews who would one day live in the Diaspora as we do today. There was deep meaning and cosmic significance to their remaining.

Had they escaped Laban’s machinations simply to soothe their egos, they would have sacrificed their own prospects and lost the opportunity to shape Jewish history. Thinking of it this way made remaining under Laban’s roof a no-brainer.

This doesn’t mean Laban was justified in his behavior. He was responsible for his own dishonesty and would answer for his sins. But Jacob didn’t need to spend his emotional energy worrying about whether Laban would get away with it. Laban might have thought he was controlling Jacob’s future, but he wasn’t. Jacob’s future was in G-d’s hands.

In Our Lives
This seems to me a powerful solution for our troubles. If the path to happiness and mental health is to let go of resentment, then do so. Remember that G-d placed you in these circumstances for a good purpose. Even if you can’t imagine what good might come of it, remember that Jacob couldn’t either.

This doesn’t mean that we must tolerate wrongdoing or excuse those who wrong us. They remain responsible for their actions. But we needn’t make their wrongdoing our emotional burden. We can address an injustice without allowing resentment to dictate our lives.

The alternative is not in our best interest. It fills our lives with stress and lets those who wrong us live in our heads. Better to live stress-free than to let someone into your head rent-free.