The Blogs: The Shidduch Crisis: A Crisis Of Male Accountability

Introduction

A while back, I called a knowledgeable person whose halachic authority I trust in search of advice during a frustrating situation years ago. That conversation changed my life.

The situation was that matchmakers kept setting me up with men who were so awful that they didn’t even make it to a 3rd date (often not even to a 2nd!). After a particularly awful man caused me (and any reasonable woman) to “NOPE out” early on, I broke down and asked an important set of questions:

“Am I being selfish? Is it my duty to accept some level of mistreatment in order to have Jewish babies? Should I feel guilty for breaking it off with someone who is shockingly terrible? Isn’t it my duty to be a wife and mother at all costs? If no good men are available, should I accept some level of mental abuse to keep humanity going? Am I being unreasonable here?!”

The answer changed my life:

They said that I, a woman, am under no such obligation under Jewish law.

“What?!” I exclaimed. “Are you sure?!”

Yes, they were sure.

I felt free. A huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Men Need Women

It turns out that the commandment to be fruitful and multiply is not an obligation for women. Hashem doesn’t command us to do something that could risk our lives (e.g., pregnancy and childbirth). However, it is a commandment that the men must fulfill. But in order to fulfill this commandment, men need women. This creates an interesting dynamic: A man must make himself into someone who a woman will be willing to put her life on the line for to help him fulfill this commandment (e.g., by bearing his children).

To do this the right way, he needs to be true. That is, someone who will actually respect her and support her, not just someone who manipulates her into it by being a smooth talker or abusing her etc. If he is a good man, and honest and true, he will treat his wife and children well, even behind closed doors, and there will be peace and success for that family.

Of course the woman needs to be a good person too. In the same conversation I was told that my responsibility is to work on myself to be a good person and Jew. The difference is that I am under no obligation to marry and have children.

They went on to say that any ideology that says a woman must put up with mistreatment in order to have kids is not of our faith.

Of course, not all Jews are good people who actually follow Jewish law, even ones who proclaim to, as I have observed. Plenty of men and even women appropriate and distort and pervert our faith to exploit and abuse and control others. This is true of all religions. I was also given the following wisdom: “Don’t judge Judaism by the Jews.” I laughed. Well yeah, obviously… If I did, I would have run for the hills ages ago!

Further, I also was given the following wisdom: Men give. Women receive. This is the design. The physical is a metaphor. Beware of men that are takers, not givers.

This deeply resonates with my lived experience. Unfortunately it can be difficult to figure out if a man is pretending to be a giver in the early months only to turn on you and abuse you later. Many women are traumatized by wolves in sheep’s clothing. We need to hold such men accountable.

Men’s Important Life Mission

Men in my community/faith, please know that you have an important mission to fulfill. That mission is working on yourself so that you can be a good husband and father. This is a Lifelong, ongoing mitzvah. It doesn’t end at the wedding ceremony! It doesn’t even end at the youngest child’s b’ mitzvah. It never ends. The wedding ceremony and each birth or graduation of a child is just another milestone on the great journey. Your mission is that whole journey. We need and want you the whole way through!

Yet, I have seen time and again men who believe that love comes first and who want to put the cart before the horse. This seems to come from secular cultural influences, and man’s proneness to escapism, limerence, and fantasy. Many men want to chase down fantasies their whole lives. Realness is too unpleasant for them. Worse, they impose their fantasies onto the woman and become controlling and objectifying. These are not men. A little fantasy and romance go a long way. But a relationship is built on respect, then trust, then love.

According to another trusted source, it’s a pyramid. The base is respect. The middle is trust. And the top is love. But too many people invert the triangle and make their base instincts the basis of all their decisions.

Also, a man and woman each have a line going from themselves to Hashem and another line to each other. It’s a triangle, with G-d at the top.

It seems that many people in our community have missed the memo. We have a crisis.

The Shidduch Crisis.

What Are We Teaching Our Men?

Last year I had to call a man’s matchmaker and two rabbis to tell them that they need to do a better job of teaching consent and healthy relationships to the men in our community. I won’t even list all the things he did that caused me to make such calls. I will just say that this is a pattern in both the secular world and in the Orthodox community too. Men aren’t being taught correctly what it means to be a man.

Worse, many of them think that being a man means being inherently terrible. This is a toxic idea that seems to have become widespread and internalized by some — and weaponized by others.

Read on for two examples of how this toxic idea has affected the men I’ve been matched to in the Orthodox community. These are only two examples of many, but they are most illustrative.

Two Examples

Unfortunately, there exist men who want us to believe that men are inherently evil and that we shouldn’t expect much from them.

That particularly bad man I mentioned at the beginning? He constantly told me that I cannot expect much of him because he is a man. Here are some examples of things he said after doing something irresponsible:

After the first offense: “Guys suck. Just assume they won’t do what they are supposed to do…. Thanks for calling. :)”

After yet another: “Men make bad decisions, and I do admit that I’m a man.”

Talk about creepy. He acted as if he were a feminist and a good guy for expecting me to put up with his nonsense.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking:

“Seriously? Trashing the entire male demographic to excuse your own misbehavior? ‘Cool motive, still murder.’ Try again, bro.”

Before that, there was this guy who lasted only one date. When we first met, he looked me up and down as if he were disappointed. He spent the whole date angry and in a bad mood. I kept up my good spirits even when he acted like I didn’t exist or said weird or mean things. Finally, after walking around for a while, we sat down at a café. I don’t remember how it came up, but I told the story of how a man at my swimming pool had harassed me for wearing a tzniut bathing suit and how that was challenging but I overcame it.

His response?

“Men are terrible, aren’t they?”

I responded with slight confusion:

“No, actually, I know a lot of good men.”

He went on to tell me that all men would rape if they could, and that the only thing that stops them is external barriers (e.g., laws, not getting caught).

My mind raced with little snapshots of men I know well and deeply trust. Men I know for sure do not think like that because they are real men. I grew up with a father and two big brothers and male cousins and uncles and more! I generally feel like most men are good. Good men are strong and have values and are not obsessed with attacking women. What on earth was this man talking about?!

Then I said something that really pissed him off:

“I disagree.”

He got angry. He then went on a rant about how my entire career discipline is worthless. I responded, “All models are wrong, but some are useful.” He was a professor in a similar discipline as me and he immediately got the reference. It’s a quotation of a famous statistician, George Box. If this man disagreed with George Box, he would be undermining his own discipline too.

Then he stood up, gathered his things and walked out on me. I ran after him a little bit down the city sidewalk in my pink coat with my brown boots clicking with every step. Ladies, you know the sound of heeled boots on a sidewalk! “Click click click!”

“Wait? Where are you going? What happens now?”

I told the matchmaker everything that had happened but she just said it “wasn’t a good fit.” Um…who exactly would this man be a “good fit” for? I’ve barely scratched the surface of the red flags and mistreatments on that date, all or most of which I told her of. This was one of many examples of matchmakers pressuring me to put up with things that are anathema to Jewish values.

Men are not animals. We must expect more of them.

Change Is Needed

This year on Tu B’Av, let’s give our single men the space to work on themselves rather than pressure them to marry when they are not even healthy enough to date. And let’s stop stigmatizing single women and pressuring them to put up with men’s misbehaviors just to make a marriage transaction. Let’s instead consider the historical context we are living in and how negative cultural influences from these times are misleading people. Let’s also hold our own accountable and stop enabling indecent men. Let’s mourn the Temple and do the work to merit it back.