The Ten Commandments – A Tisha B’Av Marriage Primer

The extraordinary juxtaposition between the segment of this week’s Torah portion of Parshat Va’etchanan for the fourth day pertaining to the repetition of the Aseret HaDibrot—the Ten Commandments and the onset of the saddest day on the Jewish calendar i.e., Tisha B’Av is an opportunity to examine what mindset we need to internalize as it pertains to one topic in particular – and that is MARRIAGE and FAMILY.

It is more than ironic that just before we mourn the destruction of the national Temple, we read the covenant that teaches us how to preserve the temples we build every day – the primary temple being our HOMES.

WHAT IS THE CONNECTION?

At first glance, these appear on the surface like opposite experiences. One celebrates revelation at Sinai; the other mourns destruction in Jerusalem.

Yet they are deeply connected. The observance of Tisha B’Av commemorates the destruction of both Temples; however, the second temple’s destruction is even more heartbreaking as our sages teach that the Second Temple was destroyed due to sinat chinam, baseless hatred between Jews.

If hatred destroys, the antidote is clear – honor the Ten Commandments and focus on acts of love, honor, forgiveness, and respect and where else is a “laboratory” and sanctuary for exhibiting these qualities – but the home and in the context of MARRIAGE.

Marriage and HOME are our Premium Sanctuary

Our Rabbinic literature is full of comparisons between the Jewish Home being considered a mikdash me’at—a miniature sanctuary. And inherent in the analogy is the reference and plea for inviting Hashem into our homes and making our home a dwelling place for the presence of Hashem.  The quality of our marriages has a direct influence on whether that “sanctuary” is filled with shalom or divisiveness, blessing or contempt.

The Ten Commandments Through the Perspective of Marriage

This blog will analyze the connection between the Ten Commandments and Marriage

1. “I am the Lord your God.”

Every marriage needs a Mission statement.

Marriage is a partnership which requires commitment and mutual respect and concurrence on issues of faith and values, and the ability to rely on these shared beliefs during the difficult seasons.

Ask: What spiritual purpose and meaning is there in our marriage?

2. “You shall have no other gods before Me.”

The first temple was destroyed due in part to idolatry and in marriage we unfortunately have found too much evidence of allowing “Modern idols” to invade our homes including:

Career. Smartphones. Money. And most of all the biggest culprit – OUR EGOS.

Our spouses should never have to compete with such “idols” for attention and harmony.

Ask: What “idols” are we allowing to invade our Marriage and assume Priority?

3. “Do not take God’s Name in vain.”

In my blog “It’s Time to Break the Tisha B’Av Jar” I mention the destruction caused via negative words and especially words of anger. Our words can be used for love or for weapons depending on our orientation. If we choose to speak in a holy manner, we are honoring this third commandment

Ask: Are we going to speak with respect to our spouse or allow escalation and contempt to invade our tranquility and safety and preserve dignity?

4. “Remember the Sabbath day.”

Each marriage needs a “Sabbath Day” to preserve the harmony and peace in the home – real shalom bayit. The beauty of Shabbat observance which this commandment addresses is to teach us that relationships and marriages require the commitment to setting aside sacred time for preserving marriages and families and guarding it against acrimony and controversy.

Healthy marriages are strengthened by creating moments of connection and focus on all that is positive and worthy of preserving.

Ask: Are we preserving our sanctuary and exclusiveness of time and giving honor to our own “Sabbath observances”

5. “Honor your father and your mother.”

Every marriage has a family of origin and it is the first set of role models that a child observes. In instances of divorce which have been rising this commandment has been put to the test – however, the recognition and honor due parents is an essential element for our core values to be preserved. Marriage creates a new family and creates a new legacy for the next generation.

Ask: Are we ensuring that we are creating a foundation in our home that honors our ancestors and serves as a role model for our children?

6. “Do not murder.”

This commandment requires elucidation in that the “murder” in the context of marriage can be committed in the most heinous fashion and that is the silent “murder” created by Emotional Abuse.

With the use of technology, we often allow foreign elements into our homes – even with the rising incident of porn – Marriages built with foundations of safety are essential for counteracting the rising damage caused by humiliation between murderous comments and berating criticism, stonewalling and withdrawal and display of contempt.

Ask :Are we taking enough measures to ensure that weapons of verbal destruction are not prevented from entering our marriages and murdering our shalom bayit?

7. “Do not commit adultery.”

Marriages must be built on the foundation of trust and nothing strikes at the heart of betrayal than adultery. It is said that the seeds for outside affairs reside from marriages that are in trouble. With constant acrimony the stage for turning to relationships that are adulterous become all the more inviting.

Without insulating our marriages against the outside temptations, we are creating damaging more than our own homes – we are condoning the rising incidence of adulterous relationships.

Ask: What steps are we taking to shore up our marriages with acts of kindness and love that will minimize any temptations for out of marriage affairs or flirtations?

8. “Do not steal.”

Stealing can take many forms in the context of marriage – but the most important prevention is to spend quality Time together and shut out distractions. By allowing outside distractions to enter your home a spouse is sending the message that the other one “does not matter.”

It is imperative that mental and physical and spiritual and emotional well being not be stolen from a spouse. Each needs to feel they are number 1.

Ask: Do we give enough undivided attention and time to our marriage versus allowing our bond to be eroded due to such factors as career or even outside influences that harm our trust in the solidarity of our marriage?

9. “Do not bear false witness.”

There is nothing more damaging in a marriage than lies and secrecy and anything that erodes trust.

The lies can be “called half-truths” over such items as money expenditures, lack of accountability in letting your spouse know your whereabouts or even not honoring commitments.

Ask:Are we honest with our spouse and show we can be counted on for displays of integrity and responsibility?

10. “Do not covet.”

“The grass always looks greener” is the phrase for exhibiting jealousy and Comparisons.

No one is privy to what goes on behind closed doors so what seems to be by outside appearances can actually be phony and not a true indication of reality. Jealousy is our evil inclination having a heyday in planting ideas that someone else’s marriage seems so much more attractive.

Ask:Are we cultivating an environment built on the foundation of gratitude for the blessing we have in our spouse and taking each day as an opportunity for sharing words of appreciation for our blessings or allowing coveting to damage our serenity?

Why This Matters Before Tisha B’Av

Let us internalize the lessons from the Ten Commandments this Tisha B’Av and use the occasion for reflection on such things as:

• Before the fast begins, tell your spouse a  genuine compliment and word of gratitude.
• During Tisha B’Av, reflect on the positive qualities of your spouse and not their shortcomings
• Review the Ten Commandments and reflect on the above comments.
• Incorporate in your prayers the strength and wherewithal to convert destruction into searching for ways of healing and eradicating whatever sources of distance, resentment, or silence have invaded your own home.
• When the fast ends, make a resolution to making shalom bayit a priority.

Rebuilding Begins With One Act of Senseless Love

Let us commit ourselves to converting this Tisha B’Av to be the last for mourning and use the template of the Ten Commandments as our marching orders for creating and maintaining and nurturing our Jewish marriages as an act of defiance against those forces that seek to destroy our own home temples. The mourning lessens in the afternoon of Tisha B’Av due to the birth of the Moshiach – may we merit to see the redemption. And it starts with focusing on the values which have preserved us as nation and most of all starting with our homes and marriages.  

Have a meaningful Tisha B’Av.