There is More To Life

(Note: there are quotes written in bold, from the weekend, randomly written throughout this blog. I don’t know the sources for these quotes.)

“You are not who you think you are, but neither are you who you are afraid you might be.” 

My birthday is March 22nd. But this year, I added a new birthday, only 5 days later. March 27th. It is the day I was reborn. 

This story starts with one of my best friends, Orit, telling me a few years ago that she just got back from London on a “life-changing” seminar/weekend/retreat. She said “Sarah- you got to do this”. But I was a single mom and had no money and I just couldn’t. Then she went a second time to do this course in Manchester- again, I couldn’t go. I remember my words: “Orit, bring it to Israel, and I will be there”. Now if you know anything about my friend Orit, you know when she has a mission, she makes it happen. 

Then one day she called me and said: Sarah, it’s happening. MORE TO LIFE is happening in Tel Aviv- sign up right now! With no air fares and no extra expenses (and we got a discount), we arranged babysitting and committed to the 3 day “program”. It took some convincing to get my husband on board, but thank G-d, we went as a couple, mistakenly thinking we were going to spend 3 days together. (I also thought I would be spending time with a Rabbi of ours that was there, and Orit, and another close friend who went as well!)

I had no idea what it was going to be like, and I think I just believed it would be a few days of introspection. What I didn’t know was that it was going to be introspection on steroids! 

“What you resist, persists.”

The More To Life Program was founded by Dr. K. Bradford Brown and Roy Whitten in the early 1980s in the United States. It evolved from earlier personal development work and offers courses focused on personal transformation and meaning. The program moved to Spain, UK, South Africa and so many other places. But I had the merit to be on the first ever Israel retreat. The program was run by a South African woman named Vijay who was raised Hindu and is not Jewish- but so Jewish! As the “weekend” went on, we found out she had lived with a Lubovitch family in Crown Heights for a month, she absolutely loves Shwekey, and she used terms from Tanya like ‘Nefesh Elohit.” This woman was the brightest light I may have ever met and the way she taught and spoke to us, and interacted with us, felt like an ongoing hug that just didn’t stop for  72 hours. 

Then there was a team of staff (including Orit and our Rabbi) who helped the entire process run smoothly and efficiently and the weekend would have never happened if not for them! 

We began with discussing the “contract” of the program which included (but were not limited to): phones stay outside of the room at all times, water bottles were only allowed in the room, on the side on a table (no food, no other drinks), during the entire program we had to commit to no drugs, no smoking (besides cigarettes, and only on breaks and only the “normal amount” someone was used to smoking- no more), no more than 200ml of caffeine a day, and no chocolate. During the sessions, there was no talking to people sitting next to me unless instructed, no sitting next to people we know from before the program (bye bye husband!), no cursing, no wearing watches, and no gum or mints. We were told to commit to these “disciplines”, as she called them, and it was really hard. So right away I was like- “Ummmm, what is this thing?” But we went along– yes, yes, sure Vejay, we’ll listen to your rules. But then after every break (including nights), we were asked to stand up if we broke a commitment we made, say what we broke and then say, “I recommit”. We learned, these things weren’t her rules- they were our own disciplines. After doing this “ritual” after every break for 3 days- (“I broke a discipline and ate an m&m in the bathroom- but I recommit!”) I realized that an underlying theme of More to Life was becoming disciplined and sticking to our disciplines that we chose for ourselves. Of course, we all went home afterwards, smoked a joint, ate a pound of chocolate and drank 5 cups of (Irish) coffee– but we understood the point that was taught to us. It was merely a shadow to the program’s real goal, but it really impacted every person there. We struggled, some with drugs, some with no snacking, some with cursing- but we all struggled! 

“If all else fails, tell the truth about yourself.”

If you wanted me to explain what happened- my words wouldn’t make sense. I could tell you what we did though. We did meditations, stretches, some dancing, breathing, screamed things out loud, wrote a lot, dug deep, stared into strangers’ eyes for 5 mins without speaking, talked to ourselves in mirrors and did all kinds of “workshop” like activities. Most of the time, Vejay taught with a white board, and we took notes and listened and learned— but mostly we absorbed through osmosis the energy she was throwing at us, ever so gently. 

What really happened behind the things we did- was this: we cried, we put ourselves in blenders and poured out new selves, we fell apart,  uncoiled, looked deeply into our souls for the first time, and the souls of others, we practiced empathy and listening to those around us, and paid attention to our own inner voices, we were courageous and brave and went backwards and inwards, we vocalized traumas, resentments and raw unadulterated pain we have been holding for 22, or 36 or even 50+ years. We stopped running on the wheel for 3 days, turned off the noise, and opened the door inside ourselves and walked in. What we saw was scary, horrifying- and for many of us it was truly traumatic, but we did it together as a team. We told people we didn’t know that we loved them and saw the light within them and we connected on levels that humans rarely connect. I can’t even explain what was happening, while it was happening, but when it was over- we were all different and altered people. We began the More To Life on a Wednesday afternoon in a room in Tel Aviv with strangers, and we left on a Friday afternoon as family.

On a personal level, even though I was with my husband, we went on very different journeys individually. But when we left- our relationship was totally different than when we had walked in. It was almost like a culmination of years of trying to work on ourselves in 3 days. We suddenly saw truth for truth, and we were able, through tears and intensely hard emotional work, to peel off the outer layer of ourselves. That outer layer, for me,  is the “Sarah” on stage, in a narrative, being a drama queen, living up to others expectations, living a lie, acting as an imposter, not being real, being what other people want me to be, or expect me to be, and the me that I got so used to being. But I had never really checked in- is this really who I am? Once that outer peel was painstakingly ripped off (think: sloooooow ripping off of a band aid, but much worse), I was able to recreate my identity and my “inner I” which is what it is called in this program. The more I ripped off the shell, the more I dug into my own heart, the more I wrote out my own soul, the more I stared into my own eyes (literally), the more confident I felt revealing who I really am, not who I got used to being for the last 39 years…. the more I evolved into me. It was a restart button, like refreshing the page, a turn it off and on again moment, a control-shift-R energy. You get my drift…

There are many aspects to More to Life and endless learning to be done about self-development and how to interact with myself, my own mind, my feelings, my persona, my actions and reactions, my relationships, my identity, my choices and so much more. But one very main theme that is taught is the concept of “lifeshocks”. Lifeshocks is a term that is used for anything significant that happens in our lives – and in truth, the lifeshock is by definition neutral, because lifeshocks are reality- and reality doesn’t present itself as negative or positive. We were taught how to recognize these lifeshocks, from the past and as they are happening in the present, and state them as such. Label them. 

“Life is coming to awaken me to become my most noble self.”

My plane tickets were just canceled- lifeshock. I just found out my cousin has a brain tumor- lifeshock.  My parents are getting divorced- lifeshock. Ok, those are big. But they could also be: my 3-year-old came into my bed last night and had an accident and I just woke in pee- lifeshock. I made dinner for a friend who had a baby, and I walked down the stairs, I tripped, and it spilled everywhere- lifeshock. It could also be the first moment I held my first baby, the moment my husband put my ring on my finger under the chuppah or the moment I signed the papers to buy a new house. The lifeshock is a moment that is tangible, and it can be recalled as a moment in time where I saw, smelled, touched, heard and experienced something. Only after I label it for what it is, I could start saying what my feelings are around it (positive or negative), and those feelings are ALWAYS true. And the next step would be to listen to my mind talking telling me things about the feelings and the event,  and then I analyze the sentences I wrote down about my mindtalk and truly state if it’s true, false, or I don’t know and on and on….its a process of revealing truth and realizing that my experiences in life are really based on my mind and thoughts- and I could dictate any lifeshock to be good or bad or in-between based on my thoughts. If you want to really understand, take the course or read the book “Lifeshocks” by Sophie Sabbag.

I am at the beginning of this journey, and I am a student of More to Life- not a teacher. But what I am trying to get across is that these “lifeshock” lessons are only ONE of the many mindshifts and tornado like epiphanies that happened on this get-away. And each one was a life-changer!

At one point early in the weekend I felt very frustrated because I was not feeling like I was having the awakening that others were having, and I felt like why is everyone feeling better from this work and I’m feeling worse? When I expressed this, I was taken to the side and given the space and privacy to really let go and unravel—- and unravel is what I did (with a team member coaching me through the process.) It was literally like standing naked in front of someone- I was obviously dressed but my whole soul was naked and my barriers and shields were stripped off me and I was just standing there completely vulnerable and open in front of this stranger. I screamed and wailed and allowed myself to get angry, and closed my eyes, and allowed my snot and tears to run freely down my face. This moment was the “crossing over” for me- it brought me from:

I am Sarah. Dramatic. With a narrative. Craziness. Overwhelmed. Stressed. And I deserve attention because of all these things.

To: I am Sarah. I am who I am, and that’s enough. 

I encourage you to take this course- whether it’s going to another country or joining the Israel team next December. G-d gave me this gift, with Orit as His messenger, and I want G-d to give you this gift as well- and that is why I am writing this up. Not for attention, for praise, or content for a new blog, and certainly not as a discussion starter to fill silence, or anything else “not real”- I am sharing this because I want to pay it forward. 

“Be the change you wish you see in the world.”