The rules we are given by parents and society and create for ourselves affect how we view or perceive the world. One who believes that the violation of Shabbat destroys the world might yell at another who drives on Saturday. One who has been taught intolerance for those who represent religion may, quite ironically, post to no end on Facebook about religious people causing hatred.
We are all given rules. Babies are told “Hot! Ouchie! Don’t touch!” Children are taught, “Don’t spit on people!” Adults are most resistant to accepting new rules. They are set in how they view the world. It is how they define truth. But truth is fluid. Especially if you see and hear things as I do. I see the angel that’s real. I know you do not see it. How do I know and not react? Practice and years of thought and adjustment of behavior.
I created rules for my mind, like an operating system. They help me navigate during times when I see or hear that which noone else does. I sometimes need to remember them. Sometimes I see a glitch in the Matrix or have a fatal error in logic and then I just stay calm. Here’s what happened the other day when the world changed entirely and without notice.
I was sitting in my apartment and everything started moving at the same time.
The walls, floors, ceilings, and counter – all were in place but there was motion, they looked like they were made of moving liquid.
I walked outside and sat on my steps. I did what I had in the two years prior to being forcibly hospitalized (I am now nearing two years since my release from the Kfar Shaul Jerusalem mental facility where I had a short stay). So I sat on the steps and observed the worlds. I watched and listened. I would learn and then figure it out.
I saw things vibrating, moving and certain objects brighter than others. I’d see someone walk by and only their face was fuzzy, out of focus. I heard things slightly differently than normal. I knew something was wrong – wrong meaning I’d mastered living with this and being able to filter and something was off in my mind because it all changed so suddenly.
Either I was imagining all this suddenly or I was suddenly seeing the world as it truly can be seen but I don’t because of how I’ve trained my mind. It doesn’t matter which was true. Everything is nothing. Time is not real. Matter is all one and everything connected. Truth is fluid. So I built rules to regulate how I see and hear and function in the world.
Normally I’d have no problem with all of it but this particularly day I didn’t want to perceive the world other than what I call ‘worldy’ or ‘standard,’ the way most people experience reality.
So I started walking. And then I remembered. I remembered that in the years prior to hospitalization I’d made rules, probably thousands of them, often through trial and error. Some examples: No being or voice could tell me to commit an act of violence (I never heard any tell me to do so). Cars travel according to worldy speed, not the speed I perceive, so I must be very careful when crossing streets. No law takes precedent over standard law.
A demon that looks a certain way does certain things. A ghost may look at you but if you just walk by he’s harmless. God is always there and created my mind to be this way so I can deal with anything. The rules make up a user manual for my schizophrenic mind that can see tens of thousands of beings a day and walk through “alternate dimensions” where everything is the same but no one knows about the Holocaust or I hear people say “There is no God” everywhere and I just continue on normally as I learn and eventually everything returns to as it was.
So the other day I saw a building moving in a way it shouldn’t and I remembered a rule: Worldy buildings don’t move that way. And it stopped moving. I saw a lamp post vibrating and emitting light and I remembered a rule: Worldy objects don’t emit light, and it stopped.
Now I like to believe at times that perhaps I can see energy or things move in ways that others cannot or truly see and speak with angels and the like but these rules allow me to function without issue and without being noticed.
They keep me out of the mental facilities where people are destroyed and their minds drugged so badly that they are turned into nothing but wide eyed slobbering and expressionless shells of people who ask no questions and have on self worth so the psychiatrists feel they have eliminated the threat of someone seeing something like an angel or hearing God being free in society.
The shrinks at the mental facilities hate people seeing and hearing things others do not. I could see it in their eyes. They despise when we tell them it’s real. So they drug us for everything under the sun and tell us we are broken. I kept my mouth shut and rejected their definitions of me and what is possible. Because I say God is infinite and can do anything. Another rule.
So when everything was moving and as I walked up Aggripas towards the shuk I realized why the world had changed in a second.
The previous day a friend told me something I’d accepted as a truth was not. I asked myself how I’d thought that what was not, actually was. I was not mad. I did not get upset. Instead I said to myself, “I must not be able to tell what is from what is not.” That translated into my concluding I can’t tell truth from not in what I see and hear. And the second I accepted that everything in the world started moving. Because I’d accepted a thought and cancelled out one of my most important rules.
Over the years before hospitalization I’d created little rules and major rules. And the most important rule of all I’d invalidated and without that rule all the others didn’t work.
What was the rule? “Given enough time I can always tell truth from non truth.” That is the basis for everything I know in how I see, hear and understand the world. I remembered that, realized I’d been wrong in thinking that accepting one thing and finding it out it wasn’t true doesn’t’ mean I can’t figure out what is and is not true, given enough time, and the moment I said out loud that I can figure out truth the entire world went back normal. Just like that, in a split second.
Had I become excited and told people the world was moving and everything was different and people were fuzzy they would have recommended I go to a doctor. Perhaps someone would call an ambulance. I could have ended up in Kfar Shaul or another mental facility and they’d simply give me an injection and load me up on pills and hold me a week or more. That’s what they do.
But I do it with rules and thinking and logic. They don’t think it’s possible. I have spent years learning how to see and not see, look and not look, hear and not hear. I can go into it at times or turn it off and if I can’t turn it off I have rules to live with it and no one would know unless I told them. My psychiatrist knows I have built extensive rules. It’s like A Beautiful Mind. It’s possible to live without harmful medication.
I remembered how I’d managed and learned for the two years leading up to psychiatrists who knew not one-one-thousandth of what I was seeing and hearing and how they said I needed injections for life. I’m off the injections nearly two months now, with my psychiatrist’s knowledge. They caused me irreversible neurological damage and destroyed my mind. Life was not worth living on anti-psychotics. And I’m not psychotic. So why take them? I can live with seeing or hearing things hear and there. There’s nothing to fear from people who do. As opposed to the unfortunate stigma of schizophrenics and violence, nearly none of us ever become violent because a voice told us to do something.
I have pills at home if I need them. I’ve taken them twice, on my own. I’m in contact with my psychiatrist to update her of my progress. She is pleased with it.
I did something the psychiatrists never mentioned. Because the they don’t think it is possible to do what I do, to make rules and use logic and training from the way I looked at things in the IDF while on ambush in an area with lots of vegetation and listening for the slightest noise to thinking in logical legal terms as my father taught me. I created a framework, a matrix, a code, rules – whatever you want to call it – I have rules that can cancel out seeing something that I would otherwise see. There is a time and a place for everything. An incredibly beautiful hallucination that feels like a connection to the hidden spiritual side of the world is not always for the outside world.
I remembered a basic rule when everything was moving, the base code of my operating system that I created, and it fixed everything. Our brains are computers. I simply created a new operating system that lets me get through the world.
Psychiatrists told me I couldn’t trust my mind. They never asked me how it works. They don’t know. The don’t care. They look for people like me and put chemicals in us. That is what they do. They make sure we know we are broken and don’t know what’s best for ourselves and that only the psychiatrists determine what is possible in this world. I’ve seen it in so many people.
I reject everything they represent regarding the potential of my mind and how I can use it. I respect my psychiatrist because she respects me and she is honest. But the hospital is a place where people are destroyed.
The other day I started hallucinating. I refocused my eyes, slowed down the speed of my mind and changed what I was thinking. I did that twice. The hallucinations disappeared.
But maybe it wasn’t a hallucination. Maybe I seeing into the hidden world, the spiritual world…psychiatrists don’t believe in that. They drug you for that. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. I’m getting better and better at being able to go into or out of it.
I fixed what a psychiatrist would call a schizophrenic or psychotic break by simply observing and thinking and remembering the rules. It took me a few hours. I was calm as anyone else. They wouldn’t like that.
I never told the psychiatrists at the hospital about the rules. The ones at Kfar Shaul didn’t take much interest in me. They just told me my mind was broken, that I couldn’t differentiate reality from not, that I was sick and they told me I was a schizophrenic. They told me to take pills, so may pills. When I asked what they were they told me not to calm down. I was calm. When I asked again they sedated me for asking.
They tried to break me and told me I’d be on meds forever. They tried to make me believe I have no self worth and that only the psychiatrists knew what to do.
But they didn’t know I have rules. And they work. I called my psychiatrist after I fixed it all by remembering that line of base code: Given enough time I can always tell truth from non-truth.
She was pleased and thanked me for calling.
It is possible to control and live with this. They will not like this at all at Kfar Shaul if they read it. But I don’t see and hear anything right now nor most of the time. I need the rules. They keep me free.
Back when I heard God before the hospital he told me that place reminded him of the Holocaust because of how they destroy the minds and spirits of his favorite creations who are different and do so without any consideration for what might be. He said he refuses to go into Kfar Shaul. He said if he did he would destroy everything because of what goes on in there. He would end it all.
But I don’t hear God now. I think God wouldn’t talk to me right now anyway. Too risky. They hate anyone who hears God.
It’s all about rules. But in the end God is infinite and can do what he wants. That’s a rule, too. So I’ll just have to keep quiet if I hear him again. Or they’ll stick me like they do anyone who sees or hears something they say is impossible as only they can define reality.
There is no God in Israel’s Kfar Shaul mental facility. It is a place of horrors even God refuses to enter. If he went in there he would destroy everything. So I believe. I once experienced an alternate reality where people were mandated to say, “There is no God and he won’t help you.” The sky looked red. It was a world where God had been made illegal. You could be fined for speaking of him as if you believed in him. Everyone hated life. It was a world without hope and purpose. I just kept on and went to work then home and eventually it went away.
I prefer that alternate reality to Kfar Shaul. The mental facility is run by the Jewish state and destroys the mind of anyone who sees or hears God or anything else. It’s a horror in plain sight that God said reminded him of the Holocaust.
I have rules. They have power and destroy those who experience the world as I can. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. But I live on and I use my mind and it can be done and meds don’t need to be for life.
God is infinite and can do anything. Given enough time I can figure out truth from non-truth. Psychiatrists say they are the truth. But I stopped what they call hallucinations. I did it alone.