Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews

To reclaim relational sexuality from the sex and beauty industry

Sexuality of the wealthiest part of mankind is tainted if not deformed into pseudo-sex by the beauty and sex industry that not only objectifies people but also make its consumers oversexed and sex addicted. The worst distortion though is that it presents sexuality as something to get or have and not as something to give and receive.

However, we can reclaim our sexuality when we understand how to differentiate between this pseudo-sex and real sexuality.

BTW, learning this dissimilarity has nothing to do with morality, with the question if sex is morally neutral, sinful or holy. That discussion is also important, but not now our subject.

Real Sexuality

Real sexuality, without any painful side or after effects, is only possible as the crown on an excellent relationship between consenting adults.

Sexuality’s perfect outcome is to end our deep feelings of loneliness. To have such results, it should be added to a relationship that is already stable, with emotional and physical closeness. It cements the bonding.

(The vast majority of people have only one biological sex that they can bond with, men or women. For them, to have sex with someone not of their biological preference may be nice but won’t have them bond.)

There is a misunderstanding that life is give and take. This mistake is also projected onto relationships and even onto sexuality.

In truth, though, taking is a violent act that has no place in any of this.

Life is give and receive. When all people in a relationship know to give to each other (and are willing to receive too), their life will be perfect. If only one of them is generous, the relationship will be not good for all people involved. And if the parties just try to grab “their fair share,” none of them will be satisfied, because it will never be enough.

Sexuality, in short, is people giving each other sexual feelings and helping them climax. The latter does not need to happen at all times of intimacy. And massages, cuddling, dancing, sporting together, being physically close, needs to be there first. And the base of that needs to be emotional closeness. (To listen is sexy.)

With all the above it is easy to distinguish pseudo-sexuality from real sexuality and to understand why the former doesn’t lead to closeness, happiness or satisfaction that would last longer than a moment or two.

Fake Sexuality

(Allergy warning: The below text contains words as penises, breasts, nipples and masturbate, though not in any graphic way.)

Fake sexuality then must be different from people giving each other sexual feelings and helping them climax, and indeed it is. Pseudo-sex is people trying to grab. They’re not in the mood to give but rather desperately trying to clutch. With guaranteed unhappy results.

And the beauty and porn industry plays into this. The biggest breasts, curves or penises, the most graphic sexual display and confident smiles and bulky muscles need to grab (again grab) the customers’ attention. These (often artificially) “beautiful people” are presented as desirable and seem to exist to snatch from. Their attention and if possible their bodies would be all just for the taking. And if we would have sex with such beauties (in mind), we would become beautiful and irresistible ourselves and able to have the highest unlimited sex and pleasure.

Sex actors may play-act fake great excitement and intimacy, pretend love and commitment, and go on in endless sex sessions that supposedly leave at least one participant happy and satisfied – none of it for real.

Performing and consuming bogus sex not only leads to no satisfaction, it also trains us to have wrong and unrealistic expectations and egocentric habits with sex and beauty, and even worse, makes us addicted to (fake) sex. For business, that’s profitable but as service to mankind, it’s not.

During real sex, we don’t need to be blind. We may enjoy our partner’s beauty, but that’s still a mere side dish, an extra. The real thrill is being sexual with a marvelous person, not a marvelous body or smile. Many people, when they get older, start understanding this better.

We don’t need our partner to have a big penis to satisfy him. (And some partners find small ones in the other nicer, cozier.) We don’t need our partner to have big breasts to satisfy her. (Big and small breasts are equally soft and nipples might be more important for the owner than breast.) Our partner’s skin doesn’t need to have the perfect amount of underlying fat or muscle to stroke it, when our goal is to connect or arouse our partner. You see: sex is to give (and receive), not to take.

The more that people masturbate, look at pornography and objectify people and body parts, the more we become addicted to pseudo-sex and the more we get out of the habit to have relational sex by giving. To get back to interpersonal sex, we need to give up on the sexual grabbing and return to sexual giving (on top of a mutually giving relationship).

(For people who are told that they should have no sexuality it could be revealing and liberating to masturbate once, but beware that even if that were good, it will quickly be spoiled by habituation and addiction and the loneliness and selfishness that will follow those.)

NB: Progress will come from former and potential customers ignoring the porn and beauty industry and choosing relational sexuality over recreational sexuality, not from making those illegal. (Though a ban for minors could work to prevent addiction before they have a chance to go for the real thing. For sure, child prostitution and producing, obtaining and spreading child pornography should be illegal and vanish forever.)

Beauty

Beauty is often only skin-deep but its effects go much deeper.

People society considers ugly, or who’ve often been called repulsive, are often ignored in a group. People rather talk to “beautiful people.” This makes “ugly” people often feel lonely and undesired. (It also often makes them more humble and willing to work harder in a relationship, which can be a real pro. And when people cry, everyone is beautiful.)

But those beautiful people, who look so privileged, they often feel lonely too, because most people don’t look at them either – only at their outsides. They might enjoy the attention but it doesn’t really help them because the spectators want to have them, not give them.

***

In summary, to distort sexuality has almost everyone lose. Let’s not fall for this any longer. The real thing or nothing!

About the Author
The author is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (DES - Diethylstilbestrol), born in 1953 to two Dutch Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork, and holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam). He taught Re-evaluation Co-counseling, became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a vegan for 8 years now. * His most influential teachers (chronologically) are: his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach and lehavdiel bein chayim lechayim: Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo and Rav Zev Leff. * Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years he wrote hasbara for the Dutch public. His fields of attention now are varied: Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science, Politics (Israel, the US and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight Truth), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, GLBTQAI, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), Ecology and Veganism. Many people can't understand or like him because he has such a wide vision that he never fits any specialist's box. But that exactly what others love about him. Many of his posts relate to affairs from the news or the Torah Portion of the Week or are new insights that suddenly befell him. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, reassure the doubters but make the self-assured doubt more. He strives to bring a fresh perspective rather than bore you with the obvious. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds must be disputed. In short, his main political positions are: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, democracy, anti the fake peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, Science, Free Will, anti blaming-the-victim and for down-to-earth optimism. Read his blog how he attempts to bridge any discrepancies. He admits sometimes exaggerating to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quit a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. November 13, 2018, he published his 500st blog post with the ToI. * He likes doing age-appropriate and age-inappropriate things and looks forward to getting to know his timeless mature out-of-the-box soul mate. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me.
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