Toldot: Upon Me Is Your Curse

Bereishis 27:13: “And his [Yaakov’s] mother said to him, upon me is your curse, my son, just listen to my voice, go and take [the animals] for me.”

Saying yes and saying no seems to be a crucial element in the growth process of any human being. The decisiveness of a decision can make or break the future, and inaction usually means that I am too weak to undertake what is to come. It’s like saying the answer you don’t want to say without saying it.

In the past, this step was more relative to personal growth. I would have to tell the Yetzer Hara no and prove to Hashem and to myself that I can follow through on my decision. Triggers would wake, emotions would stir, addictions would knock, pleasure I’d seek. I had to slow down the reactionary process by knowing that my old habits and reactions must be stopped, or else the vision to my goals would get fogged. I had to identify why those triggers even bother me, that they even have a thought of waking and stirring me up.

Finally it clicked in my head that all I really have to do is say “no!” with clarity and force, and this haunting menace would leave my soul alone. At first the no lasted for a few days and my clarity got lost somewhere, and I fell back into the old patterns of dirty pleasures. If you need to understand this better I’d say it is like when a person doom scrolls for three days straight, and to make himself feel better he posts his business ad just so that he can lie to himself and say, “I did something productive today.” I would end up there many times, and with time it became clear.

I leveled up my consciousness to become my own observer. I used to observe people around me. I loved going to malls and sitting on street benches, but I came to realize that the greatest reward will come once I truly observe myself. I realized what the things are that I revert to when sad and depressive feelings come up, spending more time in numbing actions, at first staying away from the down and dirty, but as my eyes found attractions it wouldn’t be long before I ended up falling into the rabbit hole of impurity and lust.

I’ve observed how my time was being spent. I realized that I need to have accountability in life, so I forged new relationships with people who would expect my presence every single day. My schedule was filled with things that fill me up with profound pleasure, happiness that would last way beyond my time on earth. I put my focus on things that would make me a better person, father, husband, and son. Learning how to focus my attention on what is truly important and to bring my heart and soul some joy through them.

All of this work is way more than what I am writing up here. Life takes time, and within this time test after test will test the resolve I attest. It formed a deep humility in my heart, knowing that I am not as strong as I would tell myself as a teenager. The truth in my face did wonders to my growth, all because I was able to accept my imperfection. This recognition alone, instead of breaking me, actually helped and still helps me today to try to become better.

Baruch Hashem, at this point in life I am aware of the thoughts in my mind before they are even thoughts. I can tell triggers from days in advance and my mind is rewired to help me think positively and act accordingly. The old habits wish to be friends with me again, but my no lasts for way longer than just a mere few days.

One would think that at this point is where Gaavah, haughtiness, and Kavod, honor, start being the new test. But in essence, the only reason I even got this far was through practicing humility, and being a Baal Gaavah would only ruin everything that I’ve worked on up until now. If you do encounter someone who has risen to a level and has adapted the lust for Gaavah and Kavod, may you know that they have reached all of their life’s goals. They have no more dreams dreamt for their future, and their vision has yet to see beyond their current stage.

Thankfully I was given a proper mind to understand that a goal cannot be one that is attainable in life. The milemarkers along the way, yes, but the goal itself will be “Whatever I will be at my last breath.” All the work that has gotten me to this day is a foundation to what comes next, and what I have come to realize, as I said in the beginning, is that the entire future depends on one simple yes or no.

“But what about the backfire?” What will Yaakov do when Eisav finds out? The answer is simple: “At least you won’t be caught by surprise, now you know in advance what you will be up against.” Rivkah tells Yaakov, “If being afraid is the motto you are looking for in life, I would question how you have made it this far.” Take the opposition with stride, actually, even as a medal of honor.

When you fought your instinctive urges and your inner creative forces and subdued them before your will, you were up against an enemy who tried eating you whole. If it wouldn’t be a war there would be no medal to be won!

Go and do what has to be done! Your curse is upon me! Oh, what a beautiful curse this is! This action you are about to take won’t just define your own future, it will define the future of the entire nation until “That day when Hashem will be One and His Name will be One!” I am not asking for a small request, but you have to admit to what is right and take the action that is asked of you.

Unlike Eisav who thinks that everything will just fall into his lap, Yaakov has to prove himself worthy of his winnings. Easy come is certainly easy go. The same way it is with the value of money, it is with the value of ourselves. Knowing your own value is so far from Gaavah, it is the only way one can actually do anything. If a boy didn’t know that he was a boy, would he ever start a family? It isn’t Gaavah to admit to your strengths and weaknesses, it is merely the definition of being human. So come what may, I have to do what I have to do.

The Parshios we learn are called by King David in Shmuel 1, 24:11, “The original metaphor!” People speak to advisors or therapists to clear up their mind. Their goal is that they should be able to make proper decisions and choices non-hastily. The fastest way to accomplish that is by observing your own story and learning it as a metaphor. When we learn the story of Rivkah and Yaakov we identify our own life within theirs, and take their lessons and guidance as inspiration into our own lives. So as we come to a close and the time for a decision is at the doorstep, my answer is yes to the good and no to the bad. And as Yitzchak Bentched Yaakov, “May Hashem give you the Brachos He gave to Avraham for you and your kids with you, to inherit the land of your dwelling.” May He be at your side throughout the future of this choice.

Duvi Lemmer

Good Shabbos

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