Tweet This, Khamenei

To: The Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran Ali Khamenei

From: a “Zionist” citizen of the State of Israel

Re: Your murderous intentions towards my people via social media

Dear Ayatollah Ali Khamenei,

Here in the State of Israel, we citizens put up with a lot of tsuriss from you and your country. For the record, you force your citizens to give money to Hamas and Hezbollah and they, in turn, do your murderous bidding worldwide. You murder your own citizens for being homosexual, usually without any proof of their sexual preferences, by swinging them from construction cranes. You instruct your motorcycle thugs, the basijs, to throw acid in the faces of young women and girls in Shiraz because you do not care for how they wear their hijabs in public, thereby ruining their chances to ever find a husband and create more little reactionaries just like you. And then you arrest your own newspeople for reporting on this phenomenon. Your Revolutionary Guard is controlling Iraq via your mouthpiece, Muqtada al-Sadr. You enter Syria and Lebanon at will and kill unarmed and innocent civilians there and for good measure, you attack Kurdish fighters well within the territory of Turkey. You also send your thugs to far-flung places such as Central and South America and Africa to commit what constitute war crimes on their soil. We get it. You do not like Sunnis. We also comprehend that you do not like us for not-so-opaque reasons.

Since we know you do not like us–a fact to which we have resigned ourselves, we are not sure why you felt the need to call for our destruction on Twitter. Never mind that you use technology created by Jews to espouse your idiotic views. Frankly, if we wanted to pull the plug on your rantings, we could simply notify Twitter that you violated their terms of service. Then off you would go just like one of your basijis when they were knocked off their motorcycles by irate Iranian citizens wielding chains following your 2009 “elections”. But we decided that the world should see how stupid and dangerous you truly are; although, frankly, it does not take all of 140 characters to perform that task.  And by the way, Benjamin Netanyahu has 327,000 followers. Our army has 401,000 followers. Each army unit has several thousand more followers. You appear to have all of 757 followers, so you have already lost the Twitter war. Perhaps if you allowed your citizens to the unrestrained use of the Internet, you might make it all the way to 758 followers. Or not.

Evidently, no one ever told you that we already have the technology to not only wipe your misogynistic, paranoid and pathologically stupid regime off the map, but to also remove you from the Twitterverse permanently. It is even rumored we have the ability to fry your Internet and even your cellphone connections permanently. And why not? One of the creators of the Internet is a Jewish professor at Stanford. God knows, we have enough techweenies in a single IDF unit to perform that task before you have even been to morning prayers, but we believe that it is better to “say little but do much.” We would have already done it, but we have been blessed with thousands of pictures of your beautiful women and girls without their hijabs on Facebook and decided that they will save your miserable lives. You should thank them instead of trying to cover them up.

About the Author
Rachel Grenadier was an olah from the Commonwealth of Virginia in 2003 who returned to the United States in 2015. She really wanted to stay in Israel, but decided that having family members nearby was better for her health than a bunch of devoted, but crazed, Israeli friends who kept telling her hummous would cure her terminal heart condition. She has her B.A. and M.A. from George Mason University in Virginia and is the author of two books: the autobiographical "Israeli Men and Other Disasters" and "Kishon: The Story of Israel's Naval Commandoes and their Fight for Justice". She is now living in Virginia with her three Israeli psychologically-challenged cats and yet, denies being a "hoarder".