Uncovering the Unspoken: Pornography in the Orthodox Jewish Community

People often avoid confronting issues that challenge societal norms or feel taboo. In the greater Orthodox Jewish community, this avoidance is particularly evident when it comes to aggressively addressing the growing issue of exposure to pornography. While it’s true that each community does try to deal with this burgeoning issue, I think it’s essential to differentiate between working hard within one’s comfort zone and making the bold decisions that actually effectuate change.  The increasing prevalence of pornography use, even in communities such as the greater Modern Orthodox community, known for making more liberal strides in teaching healthy sexuality (which is considered a “best practice” in dealing with adolescent porn usage), raises significant concerns about what the necessary steps are to curb this volatile issue. Determining whether this is primarily a matter of addiction or natural curiosity is critical to addressing this issue effectively.

The rise in pornography use among early adolescents, late adolescents and a growing number of adults, suggests a deeper and more systemic issue that has become widespread in all elements under the Orthodox umbrella. It is by no means unique to the Jewish world, but it is something which stands out due to the societal norms of modesty and the adopted pietistic behavior regarding privacy in the area of sexuality.  A 2022 survey conducted by Statista, on a random sample of 2,000 people, found that 60% of the respondents admitted to having a habit of watching pornographic content.[i] The ease of accessing explicit content, combined with a lack of significant oversight, fuels the problem for those in the Orthodox Jewish community as well, leading to confusion about boundaries, unhealthy habits, and a widening gap between behaviors and values.

This accessibility of online content, coupled with societal pressures and personal struggles, makes it easier than ever for curiosity to evolve into problematic patterns. Curiosity is a normal developmental process, but without proper context, it can spiral into behavior that mirrors addiction or compulsive usage. Examples of this would be an inability to stop despite negative consequences, and an impact on emotional or spiritual well-being not to mention the objectification of genders. A 2014 study suggested that persistent intake of pornography was associated with reduced gray matter volume in areas of the brain related to reward processing and motivation.[ii] (Gray matter here is referring to the part of the brain that plays a central role in processing information, decision-making, and regulating various functions.)  This suggests that what might begin as normative curiosity, activating the brain’s reward system through dopamine release, can become desensitized with repeated exposure, leading to compulsive behavior and a search for more extreme content to achieve the same dopamine hit.

To deal with this issue, and considering the rampant use, the larger Orthodox Jewish community must rethink its approach to dealing with pornography. Up until now, the right-wing Orthodox community has been making a serious push for filters on devices and strongly opposing social media and internet access. Admittedly there is only anecdotal evidence to support the claim that the efforts while somewhat effective, are not working on the scale that was hoped for. It would be fair to infer from the fact that already in May 2012, there was a massive “Asifa” or gathering in which over 40,000 people attended to discuss the dangers of social media and the internet. The focus was the exposure to many anti-Torah ideas and images including but not limited to pornography.[iii]  But the problem lies in how to solve the issue. Truth be told, filters are easy to bypass, teens may have burner phones with unfiltered internet access, and fewer of our youth appear to be adhering to authority in general. On the other hand, the relative openness of the Modern Orthodox community seems to dovetail with rampant pornography usage, suggesting that while openness may help in certain respects, it has done little to curb pornography consumption.

This raises an important question: does stricter enforcement and punitive measures deter problematic behaviors, or does openness and education about healthy sexuality provide a more effective solution? Evidence suggests that shame-based methods often exacerbate feelings of guilt and isolation, while fostering an environment of trust and understanding can encourage healthier behaviors.[iv] Providing clear, age-appropriate education about sexuality and relationships, while instilling values of self-control and respect, may help address some aspects of the vast consumption of pornography.[v] The problem is that given the rise of pornography usage, this and other research may make sense in theory, but just further adds to the complexity of this conundrum that typically leaves us with more questions than answers. However, empowering parents, educators, and leaders with the tools to discuss these topics sensitively and constructively is crucial irrespective of what direction the Orthodox Jewish world goes. I am also not convinced that there is a “one size fits all”. Meaning, it may be that the answer is more nuanced and dependent on openness in the respective population subset within the Orthodox Jewish community.

This article will briefly discuss two critical areas:

1. Differentiating natural curiosity from problematic behaviors.
2. Exploring the factors contributing to the rise of pornography use in the Orthodox Jewish community.

Understanding the differences between normative curiosity and problematic behavior may seem nuanced in that irrespective of the reason, the behavior itself is undesirable. However, as a mental health professional, these nuances matter to me tremendously. Adolescents are curious, they push the envelope whenever they get a chance, and they tend to be impulsive. Blended together, this is a recipe for bad decision making and precarious situations.[vi] However, at the same time this is age appropriate and within the bell curve of normalcy. Adolescents viewing pornographic material would be no less a curious behavior than trying a cigarette or filling a water bottle with vodka.[vii] Certain cultures actually encourage adolescent curiosity like the Amish do with a tradition they call Rumspringa. Typically starting around age 16, Rumspringa is a rite of passage for Amish youth, in which they explore the outside world and decide whether to commit to the Amish community and its ways of life. Whereas, Orthodox Judaism, actively encourage adolescents to work on controlling the baser behaviors while focusing on character development and self-control. This is in conjunction with a heavy yet loving push to stay within the folds of tradition and community. Curiosity is at best relegated to theological conversations about God.

Normative behaviors become challenging when they evolve from age-appropriate curiosity to threatening conduct, often times exhibited by impulsivity, risk-taking without considering consequences, and defiance of boundaries, driven by heightened emotional responses and reduced self-regulation.[viii] Religious expectations notwithstanding, pornography exposure transitions from being a result of natural adolescent curiosity to full-blown addiction when it includes things like the need to watch more often and seek out more extreme content in order to achieve the same level of satisfaction. Additionally, loss of control in which one finds themselves unable to stop watching pornographic material despite their best efforts or when it impacts intimate relationships, leading to emotional distance, a lack of desire for real-world intimacy, and even betrayal or infidelity is a sign that it has become addictive in nature. Other areas that suggest pornographic consumption has become addictive is when there is a negative impact on mental health and causes feelings of guilt or shame, but also may include anxiety or depression and a sense of helplessness or frustration. Lastly, when there is an interference with daily life such as work, school, or personal responsibilities it is a sign that the behavior has become addictive.

The reason why this is such an important facet to the conversation is because it is essential to label things correctly. “Casual” viewing of pornography as a natural response to curiosity is not necessarily an addiction. Calling it an addiction when it isn’t, may actually cause adolescents to self-identify as addicts without a clinical basis leading to adopting behaviors and mindsets associated with addiction, potentially exacerbating the issue.[ix] Natural curiosity doesn’t mean it should be happening. That being said it bothers me when people inappropriately use terms that do not accurately reflect objective realities and the terms themselves have real implications. Like I always say, everyone must stay in their respective lanes. If you don’t understand the terminology, then don’t use it. Do not call someone an addict if it isn’t an addiction, don’t label someone as bipolar if they have BPD and don’t label someone as abusive if it’s not abuse, just to name a few examples of things that come across my desk. The point being as it relates to our topic, calling normative adolescent curiosity in the form of viewing pornographic content a “porn addiction” might actually be more harmful and at the very least may not be accurate.[x]

Why is this becoming so prevalent in the Orthodox Jewish community? Simply put this isn’t an Orthodox Jewish issue, it is an “everyone” issue. Aside from our high religious standards regarding external modesty and the pietistic trends in attitudes toward sexuality, we are no different from any other group affected by the widespread availability of pornography. The internet has revolutionized nearly every aspect of our lives, making explicit content accessible with just a few clicks. This vast, unrestricted access often exists without the constraints of social stigma, especially when it occurs in the privacy of one’s own home. The anonymity and lack of accountability as well as the ease of access make the temptation even more plausible and pervasive. However, there is a neurological factor to this as well. When viewing pornography, it triggers the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine, which reinforces the behavior. Over time, the brain becomes reliant on this dopamine hit, making it harder to break free. Thus, when young people start going down this road, it becomes a very difficult journey back. To be clear this often has a deleterious effect on adult’s post marriage. Getting caught up in this web of watching pornographic material often creates issues like emotional distance, unrealistic expectations and comparisons, decreased desire, trust issues, conflict and power imbalance.

Understanding the normative elements of adolescent curiosity and condoning such behavior are two entirely separate matters. I believe that the first step in addressing this issue is to truly understand it. Shaming undignified behavior, even when it falls within the bell curve of normalcy, does not yield better results. Making people feel guilty is also ineffective, and applying Band-Aids to the problem may offer some short-term relief but fails to address the root causes. On the other hand, adopting a more progressive approach to teaching sexual health might help in certain ways. However, it does little to curb the rising tide of exposure to pornography. This brings us back to square one: Orthodox Jews, by and large, adhere to the same ethos of Orthodoxy, which sets or has set for them ostensibly higher standards of socially appropriate behavior. But if the current approaches are not effective, what are the next steps we can take to safeguard our youth from exposure to material that may have profoundly negative impacts on multiple levels?

I propose three key areas requiring in-depth discussion that could significantly curb this growing issue in the Orthodox Jewish community. The overarching thrust is education, and it pertains school, home and peers.

Firstly, there must be a strong emphasis on parental education. Parents should be taught the importance of role modeling positive behavior, maintaining openness, and providing appropriate oversight. This includes recognizing social cues from children, fostering a culture of healthy boundaries and communication without judgment, and understanding the dynamics of healthy rebellion including but not limited to identity formation during adolescence. I say this without blame but with the energy of an impassioned plea. People who know me, know that I am quick to “stick up” for parents, saying that if parents do not have a background in psychology or education, they would have no way of knowing best practices in child rearing. Things that others get upset or annoyed about, I see as an opportunity, in this case to fill the void by way of holding parents accountable to be trained in healthy parenting. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Parents who make mistakes without knowing best practices are not at fault. However, once courses are offered/mandated by Shuls, yeshivas and communities then parents become informed consumers and equal partners. In my opinion this is probably the most important part of solving this issue. I am not interested in turning parents into psychologists or therapists, I am interested in turning parents into effective parents and requiring them to be part of the solution.

Secondly, Rebbeim and Morahs must be empowered to embrace difficult conversations rather than shying away from them. These moments can be used to extol the virtues of being human, appreciate adolescent challenges, and serve as a springboard for helping youth cognitively reframe their self-perception and their ability to recover from actions misaligned with personal or communal values. To do this effectively, educators across all segments of the Orthodox Jewish community in all Yeshivas and schools need foundational knowledge in psychology, developmental stages, and a Hashkafic outlook grounded in hope, repair, and resilience—drawing from sources like Rebbe Nachman, the Piaseczna Rebbe, and Rav Volbe.

Lastly, there has to be a community-wide initiative to create structured peer mentorship programs where older, trusted role models can build ongoing, meaningful relationships with youth, both young men and women. I would argue that groups should be single gender.  These mentors would provide a safe space for adolescents to talk about challenges, seek guidance, and develop a deeper understanding of their respective values. Such programs would ensure that young people have access to positive influences beyond their immediate family or educators. This would promote personal growth and a stronger connection to religion and their respective communities. This is not simply for children who are “going off the Derech”, this is for all students. This initiative requires serious training and a buy-in from community, shul and school leaders.

Wearing my professional hat, I firmly believe that prevention is the best medicine. Instead of addressing problems after they escalate, why not streamline the message under the Orthodox umbrella, ensuring we all speak the same language across the board? Clear, supportive messaging from the top down, particularly from parents to children, has consistently proven effective in keeping adolescents connected to communal values.[xi] While different communities may vary in their levels of openness, the mechanism for addressing these issues should remain consistent. In fact, I would argue that unified messaging can only strengthen the larger Orthodox Jewish community in meeting the emotional and spiritual needs of their adolescent population in a profound and impactful way. As sheltered as we think our communities are in today’s day and age, we are anything but! This is a trend that is something that we must learn to accept and that will be part of our success story!

By adopting the aforementioned strategies, we empower our youth to build healthier relationships with themselves, make better choices, deepen their connection to the larger Jewish community, and foster a lasting bond with Hashem. If we work together, we can create a future filled with purpose, resilience and spiritual growth.

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[i] Statista. (2023). Share of adults in the United States who have a habit of watching pornography as of October 2022. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1402222/us-adults-pornography-habit/

[ii] Kühn, S., & Gallinat, J. (2014). Brain structure and functional connectivity associated with pornography consumption: The brain on porn. JAMA Psychiatry, 71(7), 827-834.

[iii] Stein, M. (2012, May 17). Rallying against the Internet: A sold-out event at New York’s Citi Field aims to unite the ultra-Orthodox world against online ‘evils’. Tablet. https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/community/articles/rallying-against-the-internet

[iv] Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). “Moral emotions and moral behavior.” Annual Review of Psychology, 58(1), 345–372.

[v] Doornwaard, S. M., van den Eijnden, R. J. J. M., Overbeek, G., & ter Bogt, T. F. M. (2015). Differential developmental profiles of adolescents using sexually explicit internet material. Journal of Sex Research, 52(3), 269-281.

[vi] Carvalho, C.B., Arroz, A.M., Martins, R. et al (2023). “Help Me Control My Impulses!”: Adolescent Impulsivity and Its Negative Individual, Family, Peer, and Community Explanatory Factors. Journal of Youth and Adolescence 52, 2545–2558

[vii] Levy-Warren, M. H. (1996). The Adolescent Journey: Development, identity formation, and psychotherapy (p. 86). Jason Aronson.

[viii] Casey, B. J., Getz, S., & Galvan, A. (2008). The adolescent brain. Developmental Review, 28(1), 62–77.

[ix] Pickard, H. (2021). Addiction and the self. Noûs, 55(4), 737-761.

[x] Williams, D.J., Thomas, J.N., & Prior, E.E. (2020). Are Sex and Pornography Addiction Valid Disorders? Adding a Leisure Science Perspective to the Sexological Critique. Leisure Sciences, 42(3-4), 306-321

[xi] Knafo, A., & Schwartz, S. H. (2003). Accuracy of perception of parental values and parenting styles: A developmental perspective. Child Development, 74(2), 595-611. Retrieved from https://jenni.uchicago.edu/Spencer_Conference/December4th%265th_Papers/Knafo_Schwartz_accuracy_of_perception_of_parental_values_and_parenting__Child_development.pdf