Vayeshev: Only One Fire!
Welcome Yosef to the picture: a warm and emotional young boy who lost his mother at the ripe age of eight. His father was left with his baby brother, Binyamin, to take care of, and he raised himself in the tents of his stepmothers and brothers. His heart craved connection, and his yearning was passionate. But as the rules of nature go, the lion has sharp teeth and claws to feed himself, and the bird has a beak to lift pebbles off the ground; so too was Yosef formed with the tools to access those deep needs for nourishment. Yet just as the lion can abuse the strength and power he possesses, so too can the one struggling with the need for connection undermine that need with fleeting, momentary pleasures.
Yosef, who was originally destined to be a girl and was exchanged with Dinah by the power of Leah’s prayer, was a charming and good-looking boy. His grace walked before him from the time he protected his mother Rachel at the age of six when Eisav came to fight, and his loving eyes melted everyone’s heart. It was the need he so desperately craved, together with the tools at his disposal, that gave him what he needed—but it was also the biggest test of his life.
When looking inward, you can see a similar pattern in your own life. You will find that you are attracted to things that others may not find as appealing, but for you, having just that will make you feel complete. And interestingly enough, you’ll discover that you have the mind and tools to obtain it if you really want it. But at the same time, the road to success is riddled with tests, and it is the same brain and heart that will fall for everything that resembles or comes close to the real thing. Since we are driven so madly to achieve this greatness, we will be pulled toward it like a magnet, convincing ourselves at each opportunity that this might be the thing that will finally get us there. And the saddest part is that after falling for those traps so many times and keeping our hopes up for things that were too good to be true, we come this close to giving up on our lifelong dream and mission.
We see an interesting paradox taking place in this week’s Parshah. At first, when Yosef has the dreams, he doesn’t hesitate to repeat them to his siblings. Even after being mocked for the first one, he still goes ahead and tells them the second one. But later on, when the mistress Zoleikha entices him, he somehow musters the strength to hesitate and runs out to the street barefoot. From our point of view, his personality seems to be contradicting itself: “Is he impulsive and doesn’t know what he’s doing, or is he thoughtful and weighed?”
Imagine a ladder stretching from your heart to your brain. The background is mystical and warm, with a tense heat surrounding it. In the good times—like during Tefillah, Shabbat, or anything else holy—we find ourselves roaring in this holy flame on the top rung, feeling as if we are dressed in white in the skies. But as the realities of the world kick in, we are drug down to the lower rungs and driven by a passion that seems to want to burn us alive. Anger, sadness, temptation—to name a few—come out of the woodwork as we only wish to feel good, knowing full well that they are temporary, yet hoping that by the time they pass we’ll be able to return to the higher state of being. But we must remember that those two ends of the ladder, even though they seem totally unrelated (since there is a partition of cloud and smoke between them), are still two ends of the same staircase.
There is only one fire that is burning, and, as is the nature of fire, it only goes upward. It is when we feel that the shame of our sins and iniquity is unworthy to be seen by Hashem that we reframe that fire in our minds. Answer this to yourself: “How can a soul that banishes half of itself ever reach truth?” There is a reason you want “this” and I want “that,” and it is the same reason why my struggles are different from yours. Look at it this way: “If you own a home, you have to worry about shoveling snow; but if you don’t, you don’t.” It is what you are fighting for that brings along its entire package, and it is here in this world that we work tirelessly to obtain our dreams—we get them once we finally make it up there. The Torah is all about reaching the Promised Land, yet it ends as we are standing at the border.
And there is more. Have you ever wondered how much better your relationship would be with your wife, children, parents, neighbors… if you weren’t afraid of their reaction? Imagine being in Yeshiva and being petrified of the Mashgiach (true story). Throughout all those days you think of the best and toughest things you’d like to say to his face, but you don’t. Instead, you bury yourself in misery, waiting for the miserable sentence to be over. But once it is over, all that fear is gone and you have no problem speaking your heart. In some cases these Mashgichim were bad people and they will still demand the respect they don’t deserve, but in most cases they say, “If I had known that this is how you felt, the last few years could have been so different!”
A big part of hesitation is that we hold ourselves back. In the example above it was holding back from speaking, but that led to a much larger problem: the hesitation of action. Once we allow ourselves to be debilitated, the mind knows not when to stop; it takes over, and every possible way of life is debilitated along with it. So we must value this tool of hesitation and be careful in its application.
The fire we have inside grows as we apply this tool properly. When our goal is before our eyes all the time and we know where we are headed, we can have that sharpness walk with us at every turn and choice. When we are above the clouds or when we are under the smoke, our impulsive instinct should always be to get back home. We cannot be like the person who needs to drive west for one hundred miles and never makes it there because he gets pulled into every stop because something flashy caught his eye. When we are on the bottom part of the ladder, the fire gains steam with our hesitation; while when we are above the clouds, it grows as we do not stop our advancements.
Still today, Yosef teaches us this valuable lesson. When you have dreams of greatness, allow yourself to believe that they will come true. Recognize what is in you and what tools are at your disposal. Know that the greatest tool of all is focus, and please don’t forget that shame will only control you as long as you are ashamed of it. Stand in the middle of the ladder and watch those two sides burn, know that they are all rising to the same place. At times you will be making advancements, and at times the advancements will be of another kind. At one point you’ll get up and say what is on your mind, because this is the way to greatness. Tell the world that you refuse to live a debilitating life where you are withheld from your potential, and prove it to them as you conquer the flames and raise yourself along with them.
There is a fair amount of honesty and admittance that is asked of you, and for that you must practice humility. It is true that your aim is ‘high success,’ but arrogance is just another way of using the flame incorrectly. It doesn’t matter what you’ve buried—bring it to Hashem and ask Him to accept ‘all of you,’ since you cannot leave any part behind. Climb the ladder and let the fire rise—from desire, up higher!
Shabbat Shalom
David Lemmer
LemmerHypnotherapy.com