When enough is everything

At Thanksgiving dinner, my husband began a lighthearted activity about gratitude by asking if anyone had experienced jealousy lately. My 8-year-old’s enthusiastic response sparked laughter, but it also got me thinking about how openly we name envy in some relationships and ignore it in others. We accept sibling rivalry as inevitable, but we’re far slower to acknowledge how deeply jealousy colors our other relationships.

But who among us hasn’t felt the sting of endless comparison? The colleague who is advancing faster. The neighbors with much more money. The mom who seems to have perfectly parented kids. Envy has always been a feature of the human experience, and social media has amplified it unrelentingly.

Genesis grasps this deeply. But instead of dispensing platitudes that we can simply rise above envy, the Torah confronts it as a deeply human — and deeply harmful — impulse. This week’s Torah portion, Vayetse, dives headfirst into envy. At its heart stands Jacob, a man surrounded by envy yet untouched by it. His story compels us to ask: What would it take for us to truly have enough?

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In Vayetse, the rivalry between Rachel and Leah — sisters who are both married to Jacob — takes center stage.(1) Jacob loves the younger, more beautiful Rachel, but she is barren, while Leah, though less loved, bears him children. Their longing for what the other has — Jacob’s love or the ability to bear heirs — turns their relationship into a painful contest, reflected even in their children’s names. This is envy at its most tragic and most natural —where authentic connection is replaced by the desire to dispossess and surpass the other.

In this same portion, Jacob’s growing wealth becomes a source of envy for his father-in-law, Laban, and Laban’s sons. Jacob begins as an indentured servant, enriching Laban through decades of hard work. But when Jacob finally prospers on his own, Laban and his sons resent him — not because they don’t have a lot, but because they cannot bear to see him with more.

Surprisingly, Jacob remains untouched by envy in our Torah portion and those that follow, despite being at the center of stories where he is either the object or the cause of envy. This is unexpected, considering he grew up as a twin locked in a struggle with his brother for the birthright.

In fact, in next week’s Torah portion, Jacob embodies the opposite of envy. When he reunites with his twin Esau — and after Jacob gifts Esau significant wealth — their exchange reveals the depth of Jacob’s transformation. Esau declares, “I have a lot” (Genesis 33:9), but Jacob responds, “I have it all” (Genesis 33:11).

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The Torah is not a self-help book, so it does not offer tidy solutions for envy. But in Jacob’s story, we can explore what it means to grow into a sense of enough.

As Vayetse begins, Jacob is at his lowest ebb. The pampered son, beloved to his mother and blessed by his father, suddenly finds himself an impoverished refugee, utterly alone, lying in the middle of nowhere on the hard ground with a stone for a pillow.

Jacob faces a choice: to let his loss define him or to climb the ladder and take steps toward what the Jewish-German psychoanalyst Erich Fromm described as the mode of being, in his classic To Have or to Be? (1976).

Fromm distinguishes between two ways of living: having and being. In the having mode, we tie our identities to possessions, status, and external validation—with the belief that accumulating them brings happiness. But we remain anxious and unfulfilled, forever wanting more and comparing ourselves to others. The being mode, by contrast, focuses on growth, introspection, and connection—not acquiring but transforming. It seeks knowledge, love, or meaning as ways to expand who we are.

Modern society, Fromm argues, traps us in the having mode, whispering to us that happiness is always one purchase away. In this world, it is natural for Thanksgiving to be followed by Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Even relationships are often treated as possessions, valued for what they can give us rather than how we grow through them. But to be, Fromm says, is to cultivate what cannot be taken away: generosity, wisdom, love, connection with God and the world.

Jacob’s defining moment comes precisely when he has nothing. Stripped of everything, Jacob refuses to let despair consume him. Instead, he dreams of angels ascending and descending a ladder, hears God’s voice for the first time, and makes an audacious oath for his safe return (Genesis 28). Loss transforms into becoming. Jacob begins to ground himself not in what he has, but in who he is and who he can become.

This mode of being shapes Jacob’s decisions going forward. In Haran, he prioritizes relationships over possessions. He falls in love with Rachel and labors for years not to accumulate wealth but to secure a family. This shift — from having to being — is what I believe makes Jacob uniquely resistant to envy as everyone around him suffers from it. When we stop defining ourselves by what we possess, it becomes easier to resist craving what others have.

This isn’t easy work. Fromm wrote more on the toxicity of having than on how exactly we achieve the elusive mode of being. But I believe we instinctively recognize the treasure of being in certain moments: the peace of Shabbat, the joy of loving and being loved, the thrill of understanding an idea more deeply, or the pride in realizing we’ve grown kinder, stronger, better.

The Torah does not ask us to be angels. It calls us to be honest and aspirational. The journey to “enough” begins where Genesis leads us — by seeing ourselves in its stories. The envy, rivalry, and longing for what others have — if we’re as honest as my 8-year-old — live within us too. From there, the journey continues, as we dare to imagine that something else is possible: the freedom of enough.

At a party, Joseph Heller was told that his billionaire host earned more in a day than Heller’s famous book Catch-22 had made in its history. Heller replied, “Yes, but I have something he will never have… enough.” (3) Jacob’s quiet declaration, “I have it all,” reminds us the path to enough lies not in having more but in being more.

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(1) The stories in Vayetse are framed by two infamous episodes of envy: Esau’s jealous rage over Jacob receiving the birthright blessing and, later, Jacob’s favoritism toward Joseph, which drives his brothers to sell him into slavery. While Jacob transforms and overcomes envy within himself, he fails to learn how to avoid provoking it in others.