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Viktor O. visits his psychoanalyst

These are the verbatim free associations of patient Viktor O. during his last session of treatment.

As a psychoanalyst, I am, of course, forbidden by my profession’s code of ethics to reveal the full name of my patient, who has been under my care since he assumed a senior-level position in the government of a Central European country in April 2010.

My original case history notes, identifying the full name of the patient, are being submitted to the Freud Collection at the Library of Congress, and will become available for researchers in 2122.

 ”Always fighting with everyone”?…  Not true!…. You wanna know what my real problem is, doc?  Stress….  Yeah, that’s right, stress….  I’m overworked and underpaid….  King of the hill for 12 years and all the woke nut jobs are after me because I run a tight ship….  A traditional, truth-loving Christian-family state…  God, doc, I truly, truly love Jesus!….  Where does it say in the EU treaties that Christianity can’t be a state religion? Or that the gays have a right to convert our kids to sodomy? Didn’t Jesus say that sodomy is un-Christian?

What? Am I ”obsessed with the gays”? … Are you kidding? … Of course not!…  Half of Fidesz is gay.  József Szájer”?  You wanna know about Szájer?  All right I’ll tell you about Szájer.  Yes, as my constitutional lawyer, he did write the anti-gay laws the EU Commission is pissed off about…  

Listen, Mr. Freud: So what if Szájer sodomized a couple of guys at a gay sex club in Brussels during Covid lockdown, and shimmied naked down the pipe trying to escape from the police? Who cares?  

Yes, of course I support gay rights! … just so long as Brussels doesn’t send those Soros-funded batallions to our kindergardens to convert our babies.  Didn’t Tucker Carlson at Fox News prove that pre-schoolers are easy to convert to transvestites?  They start with drag, then it’s a slippery slope down from there to wanting a sex change operation in first grade… Don’t you care about saving our children, dammit!

All right, so, yes, I’ve put on 25 kilo recently, and my stomach hangs out like a watermelon everytime I step outta my SUV in Brussels.  Whaddya want me to do?… I love those chocolate cakes at Gundel’s Restaurant…. But how the hell am I gonna get into my soccer shorts this spring when I’m so … so … well, ”weight-challenged,” as you woke people like to say?…  Can’t you see that my added weight really hurts me?..,. I’m in pain, doc!… Seriously.… It’s not funny … I love soccer, for Christ’s sake. That’s why I used EU money to build a private stadium in my home town Felscút just for me, Vladimir and the six Hungarian oligarchs.  C’mon…  Where’s your empathy for me, doc?  C’mon, give it up.  I need understanding!

OK, OK, doc. I’ll tell you what’s really buggin’me…  I’m worried, really worried…. First, my best buddy Bibi got thrown under the bus, now Soros and his gang of cosmopolitan dead-enders are gunning for my other best buddy, Vladimir… Damn that Soros!  He’s the most evil person in the whole world!…. By the way, I don’t hear anyone crticizing Gyorgi boy for socking away billions in dirty money in offshore banks.  So why pick on me just because I stashed a billion or two of EU cash in Switzerland? … Like Vladimir always says, Soros is one of those oligarchs “who can’t do without foie gras, oysters or the so-called gender freedoms.” Personally, I prefer Hungarian poppyseed cakes.

Yes, yes, you’re right: my bagman, mayor of Felcsút and former gas pipe fitter, Lőrinc Mészáros, has become the wealthiest person in Hungary…  But so what?  ”How did he get all those billions in EU contracts”? you ask….  Well, because he’s frickin’ good at splitting the money 50-50 with me, that’s how…. Then, ha ha, I bury the accountants in Brussels with thousands of invoices, which takes them years to process… Besides, Germany owes Hungary plenty for having invaded in March 1944. So what if we were on their side at the time and sent 525,000 Hungarian Jews to hell?…  My daughter, Ráhel, and I are just taking what’s rightfully ours…  I’m the Godfather of this Mafia state, not Angela or Scholz.

”Where’s my daughter now?”  Well, Ráhel and her hubby, István – yeah, that’s right, the one who stole €44 million from the EU — moved to Marbella, Spain last year to avoid OLAF.  But didn’t I use Hungarian taxpayer money to repay the EU?  Then why are they still after me? Thank God there’s plenty of friendly Mafia in Marbella, where I’ll feel right at home when I move there after I retire…  Which may be sooner than I want.

Look, doc, I gotta tell ya, I’m not sleeping well lately…  God, I’m gettin’ scared, doc….  Real scared…. The opposition has combined its forces to put Péter MárkiZay up against me in the parliamentary elections on April 3.  A Christian conservative with seven kids who cares about democracy, separation of powers, freedom of the press, and EU values….  What a crock o’ shit! … Just a few days ago, the distinguished Speaker of our Parliament László Kövér said: ”Separation of powers? Who needs it?” By the way, don’t you think Kövér’s got a great Hungarian mustache? What curls!! Just like the cowboys on the Puszta.

”Who’s MárkiZay?” you wanna know….  Well MárkiZay is just a leftist puppet of that slimeball Ferenc Gyurscány, who lied from morning to night when he was PM before me.  Why the hell should I debate that pathetic liar Márki-Zay on TV when I know he’ll crush me with his so-called ”facts and figures.” My administration is a fact-free zone, dammit!

What?  Have I been lying to you?  Me? …  Are you kidding?… About what?… That Brussels is responsible for the Hungarian forint plummeting?… That Brussels wants to ship 40 million Afghans to Hungary?… That Brussels is using political blackmail because I want to save our kids from the gay Soros batallions?…  Open your eyes, Mr. Freud…. You’ve been living in a fake news bubble….  You can’t trust anything you read in that lefty rag, The Economist.

Of course Brussels is behind everything!  Haven’t my free and independent Hungarian media covered this Soros-led conspiracy day and night for years?… Don’t you know that Soros has been paying off EU Commissioners?… Isn’t it obvious that Soros is working 24/7 with the CIA, Brussels and the White House to overthrow me! 

Sleepy Joe’s got me in his crosshairs just because I visited Donald in the White House. He’s pissed because I won’t kiss his ass….  Well, I’m not gonna kowtow to that senile asshole….  Tell ya the truth, doc, I wish I’d done more to re-elect Donald, a great Jeffersonian patriot.  If only I’d appeared more often on Tucker Carlson’s spin-free zone on Fox News, Donald woulda squeaked through….  Maybe I shoulda paid-off Tucker more?  I dunno, Doc.

”Ukraine?”…  What about Ukraine?… Everyone knows that Zelensky is a drug-addled Nazi clown!  For Christ’s sake, why didn’t he hand over the evidence about Biden’s sleazeball kid, Hunter, to Donald?… If he’d done so, it would now be me, Donald and Vladimir against NATO.  God, what a magnificent trio of statesmen we are!…

”Which side am I on in the Ukraine war?”… Why both sides of course! … I follow a straightforward, consistent policy: the ”peacock walk”… When the EU wants me to denounce Putin’s brutal war, I do.  When Putin wants to put his spy-packed International Investment Bank in Budapest, I let him.   And if he wants me to say it’s a ”special military operation” then I’ll have my free and independent media blast it out every day … What’s wrong with walking on both sides of the street at the same time?… Ha ha, I love sucking up to  the big boys, and then screwing them.  I’m a Hungarian for God’s sake!… Who invented the Rubik’s cube, huh? Tell me, huh!

Hey doc, wait a minute, I’ve been blabbing too much … Shit … Stop pushing me so hard, doc! …  I thought you shrinks were supposed to be silent….  What’s with all the questions?

What? Why did I tell the Hungarian National Bank to loan 11 million to finance the campaign of Marine Le Pen against Macron?  Look…. This is the last question I’m gonna answer…. Because the Godfather, Vladmir himself, ordered me to, that’s why, you Freudian fuck!… Hungary is a free and independent state, and don’t you forget it!  

That’s it!… I’m outta here…. I’m ending my analysis right now…. You’re a disgrace to your profession …. And don’t expect to get paid until after the April elections.  If ever.

About the Author
Robert Kramer, PhD, is an existential psychoanalyst in Budapest. He is editor of Otto Rank's "A Psychology of Difference: The American Lectures" (Princeton University Press, 1996); co-editor, with E. James Lieberman, of "The Letters of Sigmund Freud and Otto Rank: Inside Psychoanalysis" (Johns Hopkins University Press, 2012); and author of "The Birth of Relationship Therapy: Carl Rogers Meets Otto Rank" (Psychosozial Press, 2022).
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