Do you ever find that you have a difficult time communicating?
If so, you are not alone.
I meet and work with many women and men who have expressed to me that one of their main challenges is communicating and expressing themselves at work and/or in their personal relationships.
One of the main reasons you may be having trouble communicating
One client that I was working with was struggling with feeling motivated and fulfilled at her job. In our sessions she came to the realization that one of the things that was holding her back from feeling fulfilled and getting motivated was that she was not expressing what her wants and needs were to her boss.
“Okay, now that I know this, that I am having trouble communicating and am not communicating at all, what do I do?”, she asked.
This was a great question and as we continued to explore further, she realized that one of the reasons it was difficult for her to communicate was because she was not clear about what it is she wanted and/or needed to feel good and happy in her job.
Not having clarity about our needs and/or wants is one of the main reasons why one has difficulty communicating.
The first step, then, to communicating better (as you might have already guessed it) is to get to know and understand yourself and what your needs and wants are.
When this is clear to you, you will have an easier time communicating to others what it is that you want and need.
Working together with my client I guided her through an exploration of her values and what was most important to her. We also explored her emotional needs as well as her psychological needs. This helped my client understand herself better, understand why she was unhappy and not feeling motivated, and helped her to clarify what it is she wanted and needed at her job. We also worked on learning effective communication techniques to help her express herself, and her wants and needs with confidence, to her boss.
Sometimes I have trouble communicating too
Even though I know all of these concepts and tools, I too sometimes have trouble communicating what it is that I need and want.
I remember a time not so long ago when I was in a bit of a rut. Though I was aware of how I was feeling, I didn’t know what it was I wanted or needed and could not communicate that to my husband who was offering me his support.
It was frustrating for both him and me.
I gave myself some time, without putting pressure on myself or my situation. I found that letting go, and taking the pressure off of trying to figure out what it is I wanted and needed allowed for the answers to emerge naturally.
After about a day or two of just being with these emotions, as uncomfortable as they were, the answers for what I wanted and needed emerged.
I realized that I was feeling alone. As I am business owner who works for myself, it can get lonely at the top :). It occurred to me that what I wanted and felt I needed wasn’t answers or solutions, but rather simply the support of knowing and feeling that I wasn’t alone. I just wanted my husband to be there with me. He didn’t have to do any more than that.
Once I realized this, I expressed it to him, and he graciously gave me what I needed.
What is so wonderful about getting our wants and needs met is that when our core needs are met, we start to feel full and better again.
After getting what I needed at that time, I felt better and more secure. I didn’t need my husband to be there with me ALL the time, just at that specific time when I was feeling more vulnerable. Once I received what I needed, I was able to feel secure again and move forward.
How about you?
Do you have trouble communicating what it is that you need and/or want either at work or in your personal relationships?
If so, take the time to get to know and understand yourself and what your core needs and wants are. Once you have this awareness it will be easier for you to identify why you get triggered, what is upsetting you, and what it is that you need and want from others, or in your life, in general, so that you can get what you want and need and feel good.