We MUST Have These Difficult Conversations

As I write this, we will be reading Parshat Hayei Sarah tomorrow in our shuls/synagogues. One of the saddest and most heartrending moments for me is when we read about the reunion of Yitzchak and Yishmael at their father’s funeral at the end of the Parsha, after no contact for so many years. While within the textual context we understand this, there is a much larger point to be made here, I believe. Whatever you believe or think about either of these individuals, think about it – two brothers who do not see each other until they come together to bury their father. Immediately after this, when we turn the page to Parshat Toldot, we begin the conflict and dissonance between Yaakov and Esau, that will likewise end with years of conflict. Yes, these are all very different people with different stories and backgrounds and orientations. SO here is my question, have we shown ourselves to be so significantly different from them, even and especially within our own communities that we all share?

I will use as an example, my work with ESHEL, the Orthodox LGBTQ+ organization that works hard and intentionally on its mission to ensure that our Jewishly observant community members who are anywhere on this spectrum of identities can still find a home, community, people to interact with and family in the largest sense. In our world today, this group is just one of many at risk for depression, exclusion, the pain of solitude and much worse. Do we truly believe that we should be disposing of people with whom we may not agree, people who may challenge our beliefs, and who may live in ways different from others? If so, this is completely against Jewish texts, understanding and practice. We must embrace each other. In this work with ESHEL, I often explain the trajectory of what has happened within this community that is reflective of so much discord and lack of ability to interact in our larger world. I describe it this way. Ten years ago, parents called and shared that their child came out as LGBTQ+ and this was the worst thing that ever happened to them. Five years ago, the calls went like this “My child came out and I have accepted that but they are not religious any longer and this is the worst thing…”. And now, “My child hates Israel and we can’t even speak and because of this, they are not coming to our family Seder.” How terribly sad.

As I thought about this dynamic and how it plays out in our Multi-Faith world with colleagues and good long-standing friends no longer speaking with each other because of different political parties, positions regarding Israeli and Palestinian perspectives and so on, I am acutely aware that this is serious. If we cannot even speak with each other anymore, what hope do we have for the future we all share on so many levels? I do not believe that we would want our broken relationships to only end with seeing each other at funerals of shared loved ones. So, what do we do? We learn how to speak with each other, how to interact, how to agree to disagree, and all without severing important relationships.

As we reflect on our present situation and the difficult conversations in our families and among friends and colleagues that can create rifts, I pull on the learned behaviors of my decades of work in dialogue and facilitating challenging interactions to forge ahead and I will not abandon this important element of trying to continue to heal the fractures in our very broken world, while showing sensitivity and caring love for our community and family members. I do hope you will join me in achieving this goal.

We must encourage our family and community members to continue discussion with kindness, that is civil conversations. If we forget how to speak with each other, then we have all lost so much. We can try to provide perspective, give facts, and remind our family members and friends of historical precedents, but we have to remember that we have not all come of age and developed in the same world and facts are not successful armor to address emotional feelings.

Let us each work to develop our own code to frame these conversations, such as I have done below. We should also work to assure our children, family members and friends that this is a safe space and everyone should be able to state what each person needs to feel safe. Our primary goal here is to always keep the lines of communication open with our family members and friends, whenever possible.

I commit myself unconditionally to model and share the following behaviors:

• Clarify that I am making “I statements” and sharing my thoughts and pain with those I love in as gentle a manner as I can.
• Continue interaction with all who agree to share their perspective and listen to mine, even if and especially if they are from a completely different perspective and experience.
• Ask questions, don’t assume or attack what I am saying.
• Know that there are different input channels that contribute to vastly different understandings of what is happening on the ground.
• Acknowledge that many members of our community, including my own family members are exposed to various perspectives, way too much anger, and excessive vitriol.
• Acknowledge that we are all in pain and know people in pain.
• Be very aware of my words, tone of my voice, body language, etc. and express openness to listening with every fiber of my being, and ask that our family members do the same.
• Realize that inflammatory language and name calling MUST be off the table and I will model this behavior and ask that my family members do so as well.
• Simultaneously gently call out what must be called out and not reduce everything to some relative notion of moral equivalency.
• Agree to parameters of a given discussion or dialogue, clarify it is NOT a debate and articulate what issues are on the table and what is not.
• Come to every action with compassion, care and honesty, all appropriately tempered.

I still believe, in spite of many fractures and deep fissures in our world today, that we need to and can turn the tide. We must do so, for we have learned that we are so much more successful and powerful as a collective, not as individual isolated siloes. We MUST continue to have the most difficult conversations.