Well, That’s a Fishy Crisis

Imagine if you will, a 40-year-old guy.

He’s gone through some family drama and trauma; he has a half-brother with whom he doesn’t really have a relationship. His dad took him on a 3-day hike… except they didn’t really talk the whole time.

The guy tried with his dad, but it was a lost cause.

The son laid down, listened to his father, about to sacrifice everything.

But no, a Voice from on-high demands that it should not be so.

The trek home in silence, going their separate ways, never speaking again.

Granted, that was three years earlier, but he is still traumatized by it.

He is ready to move on… Start his own family… Find a nice girl.

So he sends someone who has known him his whole life to be the “shadchan”… and he, the shadchan, finds a gem of a girl.

She’s kind. She’s beautiful. She’s the one.

It’s obvious that I’m talking about Yitzchak and Rivka.

Yitzchak and Rivka had an excellent shadchan. He didn’t ask to see her resume, what kind of table cloth she uses on Shabbat, or whether she watches TV. He created a test case scenario to measure her level of kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness.

I’m Rivka.

I’m 33 years old.

I’m not getting any younger. 

I have been dating since I was 19. I have gone to countless events. I have even made a resume. I hate the idea of limiting the scope of my being to some words on a piece of paper… But I did it because I thought that that would help people realize who I am, and find me the right match.

That seems to have not been the case.

The other day, a man reached out to me on WhatsApp. He had seen my résumé and was interested… as long as I would explain my disability to him. 

It’s not that I really have an issue with that… But there is not a lot about my condition out there. We are in a new frontier of science. We are doing the research.

But people are limiting me to my lack of abilities, rather than what I can do.

They are putting me in the blue box of the Disability parking space.

It doesn’t matter that I am smart, that I do chesed, that I learn, that I contribute to my community.

But he didn’t want to know about any of that. He wanted to know whether I could have “normal” children, and whether I was “abled” enough to cook and clean the house.

To be fair, the original Rivka seems to have been a great homemaker. She cooked the baby sheep right quick for Yaakov to feed Esav, and took a bunch of old clothes that Esav left at her house, and some sheepskin , and turned it into a wonderful outfit for Yaakov. But that guy was not the right guy for me, for many reasons, so I will move on to a related topic.                                                  

As far as we know, Rivka did not have any fertility problems… in Breishit:24:60. The people of her town blessed her with fertility “… May you become thousands of myriads and may your offspring inherit the gates of their enemies.” She ends up having twin sons.

I decided a long time ago, that given the muscle condition that I have, which I don’t want to pass down to potential future progeny, that I was going to freeze my eggs. 

Rav Mordechai Eliyahu, Rav Yaakov Ariel, and Rav Lichtenstein agreed it should be allowed while Rabbi Dov Lior did not. I also saw that Rav Eliezer Melamed wrote he would permit it.

In some cases, revealing a flaw to someone’s prospective spouse or parents-in-law clearly constitutes lashon hara. Dayan Weisz (Teshuvot Minchat Yitzchak 6:139) forbids someone from telling his friend that a prospective groom for the friend’s daughter committed a grave sin in his youth. Dayan Weisz explains that, as far as was known, the young man had never repeated his sin and instead devoted his time to Torah study, so his past sin did not reflect traits or habits that remained with him and might negatively impact his marriage. 

Certainly, one may not exaggerate minor flaws in a manner that unnecessarily harms a shidduch. The Chafetz Chaim (in a section added to Hilchot Isurei Rechilut 9) decries the fact that people often tell a young woman’s family about her prospective groom’s personality in a manner that depicts him in an unfairly negative light.

Specifically, the Chafetz Chaim comments that people routinely describe young men as simpletons or fools simply because they lack the sharpness to outsmart sly individuals. Such a portrayal sometimes causes a young woman’s family to reject a particular candidate even though his “foolishness” reflects admirable honesty, and he might in fact possess other intellectual gifts. Those who talk about such a person as a fool thus focus on an extremely minor shortcoming, which should not affect the shidduch, and exaggerate it to the point where it prevents a potentially wonderful husband from finding a wife.

I would certainly not say that my condition is slight, nor would I say that it is as bad as committing a grief sin.

I also realize, that these instances are about a man finding a shidduch rather than a woman, but, I think that the same logic ought to apply.

That is why I am as upfront as possible.

The problem is… that is not up to me. It is up to HaShem, the rofeh kol basar u’mafli la’asot.

They say that finding a shidduch is as hard as splitting the Red Sea…

May we be blessed enough to see that miracle happen speedily in our days.