What Do I Do With The Space Between Life and Death?
The mom of my best childhood friend, a”h, about 95 years old, B”H remains alive. She’s been in hospice now for well over a year. She lives in the US near her daughter who is extremely devoted to her. Wow, how can someone linger in hospice for so long? I’m happy. At the same time to be honest, I’m not really happy she is still alive. G-d forgive me.
Please excuse me for this self-centered perspective, but I was wondering, what am I supposed to pray for? Obviously, I want her to be comfortable! But what is this place between life and death about? How can G-d do this, to this dear woman who survived the Holocaust, hiding in the forest in Poland? This woman lost her father and twin sister in the Holocaust, and many other relatives and friends. This woman who lost a most beloved child, when the child was only 24 years old. She also lost her husband, also a Holocaust survivor, a few years later from a broken heart? How can G-d do this to the sister who lovingly attends to her mom? At the very least this is very complicated for this daughter. More likely it is mostly very painful.
What do I do with this? My approach is to talk it out with a Rabbi. Therefore, I called a few. On Sunday they were all not available. I wasn’t surprised because I thought it was Monday. That’s an easy confusion for someone who is not accustomed even more than 3 years after aliyah, to Shabbas going right into Yom Rishon, which is just like Monday outside of Israel. “Sunday” doesn’t exist here in Israel as part of the weekend. The weekend in Israel is Friday and Shabbas.
I got to speak to a Rebbtzen/friend who listened sympathetically and shared the sadness with me. That was helpful but I needed/wanted a rabbinic perspective.
Although the rabbis weren’t available, and the time to call yesterday ran out, I didn’t get the answer I needed-an answer that soothed the hurt. I had not even really been able to formulate the question well because it is so painful to consider.
I let the matter rest, as I had no choice. Sleep came. Thank G-d, sleep comforted me.
Tonight, I had a bit of time to relax and think again about my dear friend’s mom lingering in hospice. I tried to call a rabbi who is very dear to me and my family—my parents’ rabbi, who has become my rabbi too. I called and he was busy. Then, thank G-d, he was available and I got to speak to him.
He told me some stories recorded in the Gemara related and relevant to the matter I was troubled by. I found that comforting. It’s comforting to me that the Torah addresses everything.
In the story of King David’s death, a”h, King David wants to know when he is going to die. G-d doesn’t agree to tell him. G-d only reveals that it will be on a Sabbath which King David does not simply accept. King David asks for G-d to wait for Sunday, and G-d tells him that he’s destined to die on Shabbas. So, King David asks to be taken on Friday, to spare him dying on Shabbas. But G-d responds, King David’s Torah learning was so dear to Him that G-d could not bear for King David’s Torah learning to be cut short even by a single day. Okay Rabbi, so I understand that as long as someone is alive it is because G-d wants him alive for some reason. I get it.
On the other hand, the Rabbi told me another story from the Gemara of a Rabbi who was ill and in the place between this life and the next world. The Angel of Death could not bear to end his life while he was engaged in studying Torah. The man was a persistent Torah learner. The Rabbi’s very devoted servant understood what was going on. She then, went to the roof and dropped a very heavy piece of pottery. The noise created a sufficient distraction to break the rabbi’s concentration and he momentarily paused in his study of Torah. The Angel of Death took advantage the moment. The action of the servant was judged to be a kindness.
These two stories seem almost contradictory, at least to me.
There’s no neat resolution to the contradiction. Life is like that. It’s complicated. We all know. It’s nothing new.
So, my question still remains, what do I pray for? The Rabbi suggested, say Tehillim, (Psalms) for her. It’s something to do, and it can only help her, he suggested further.
I feel better, I have something to fill the need to reach out to G-d about this. I will not pray for a complete recovery. To me that would be absurd.
I will say Tehillim, and I will thank G-d that at least for me there is always a place to turn, when my soul aches because life is so complicated and because there are some very painful realities.