What Our Patriarch Isaac Taught Us About LOVE

In the series of Torah portions which have occupied center stage these past few weeks including this week’s Torah portion of Chayei Sarah, the reader is introduced in a very descriptive manner to the trials and tribulations of our first Jewish patriarch Avraham and his “woman of valor” matriarch Sarah. Having suffered so much in the way of famine and in Sarah’s case being held captive in Egypt, how could we not rejoice when she gave birth to her son Isaac at the ripe “young age” of 90!

And as any parent knows, we all want what is best for our children – so it is not surprising when having buried his beloved wife at the beginning of this week’s Torah portion of Chayei Sarah, Avraham would turn his attention to finding the most suitable spouse for his not so young Isaac.

And what follows next in the Torah portion should serve as a template for what efforts we must take to ensure our homes become cornerstones for continuing to kindle and perpetuate all the best qualities that our people represent.

Detailed Marching Orders to his servant

I think it can be safely stated that Avraham and certainly what he knew would be at the behest of his beloved wife Sarah z”l left nothing to chance in providing detailed instructions as to the lengths which his servant had to undergo to find the best match for Isaac including traveling to Avraham’s country and his kindred and bringing a wealth of dowry to make sure that his family knew how serious Avraham’s intentions were.

The Ultimate Pre- marriage Education Wish List for Seeking a “Shidduch”

For me, an inspiration was the conversation which transpired and occupied a prominent part of this week’s Torah portion between the servant and Hashem and then between the servant and Isaac’s ultimate bride Rivka’s family. In the portion,  the servant appealed to Hashem that the candidate needed to respond to the servant’s overture for satisfying not only his extensive thirst but that of his TEN camels.

We know that the servant’s appeal was successful culminating in the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah.

The First Jewish Marriage speaks volumes regarding “LOVE”

What is the most poignant feature of this first Jewish marriage in Eretz Yisrael can be found in the explanation of the most celebrated commentator Rashi on the statement:

“And Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah and she became his wife and he loved her. And Isaac was comforted for his mother.” (chapter 24, verse 67 of Chaya Sarah)

Note the order depicted here that Isaac first took Rebekah into the tent and then he “loved her.”

Which raises the subject of what is the true definition of “LOVE” in a marriage. Several definitions come to mind:

According to the Lubavitcher Rebbe z”l, “Love is not that which is portrayed in romantic novels. It isn’t that overwhelming blinding emotion that is portrayed in a romance. Love is an emotion that increases in strength throughout life. It is sharing and caring, and respecting one another. The love that you feel as a young bride is only the beginning of real love. It is through the small, everyday acts of living together that love flourishes and grows.”

Professor Howard J. Markman in a Tu B’Av Date Night lecture, stated:

“We all dream of a lifetime love and a lifetime successful marriage, and for good reason, as people live longer when they are in a healthy stable relationship, we earn more money, our kids do better, the companies we work for make more money, so it is good for the community and country that we do all we can to have strong and healthy marriages.”

However, extensive scholarly research conducted by Professor Markman and his colleagues at the University of Denver on couples just starting out shows that no matter how we measure love, love does not predict the future of the relationship. This empirically means that “love is NOT enough.” It is necessary, but not sufficient for a happy relationship.

In fact, interestingly enough the factor that does predict how couples will do over time is not ROMANTIC at all. Research shows that how couples manage conflict and how they manage negative emotions is the biggest predictor.

ENTER MARRIAGE EDUCATION to SUSTAIN THAT “LOVING FEELING”

As both the comments by the Lubavitch Rebbe z”l and Professor Markman indicate, love is an emotion that in and by itself is not an indicator of the couple’s ongoing barometer of marital success. What is helpful is to understand what “everyday acts” can sustain love and allow it to flourish and that is where Marriage Education comes to the fore.

Marriage education is predicated upon the understanding that the joy and common bonds and adoring love which most often exist upon entrance into marriage won’t necessarily define that relationship 20, 10 or even two years into the future. The erroneous notion that the feelings we have for each other under the chuppah are the same ones which will define our relationships until 120 is the very notion which arguably causes us to stray from one another.

The reality of life-long couple hood is that further down the road we will encounter obstacles and challenges that are very different from the courtship and dating periods. The traditional ones are parenting, financial struggles, illness, relationships with other friends and family members and of course the commitment to monogamy. But the potential pitfalls that make up the list of reasons that spouses give for why their marriage has failed is simply endless.

Marriage education therefore isn’t intended to give you the tools to have a perfect marriage, because by its nature it’s not a perfect institution. To think that two people from different parents and different backgrounds with individual opinions and perspectives should all of a sudden become one in heart and mind is a notion to be left for fairy tales.

The concept rather is to be up-front from day one that those challenges will occur, and become informed on how to best address them. This is a process that involves educating on how and when to communicate, how conflicts should be resolved, and to identify problems that are insurmountable to the extent that dissolution of the relationship is the appropriate option for the good of both parties.

BUILD THE RIGHT FOUNDATION for LOVE TO BLOSSOM

The non-profit Together in Happiness/B’Yachad B’Osher is dedicated to promoting Marriage Education and Enrichment so that couples gain the skills and techniques to build and sustain healthy and happy marriages. Towards that end, they conduct workshops for couples at all stages of marriage designed to teach the skills and help couples gain the awareness of the components of healthy and happy marriages.

Getting it Right From the Start. A Date Night I-PREP Experience

One upcoming workshop entitled Getting it Right From the Start. A Date Night I-PREP Experience is being conducted ONLINE for Jewish Engaged and Newly Married Couples (Up to two years) on Sunday December 22 from 20:00 – 21:30 (Israel time).

The focus will be on teaching proven and scientifically researched communication and conflict management skills using the curriculum of I-PREP (Prevention Relationship and Education Program). For more information contact marriageconf@gmail.com.

Lessons from our First Matriarchs and Patriarchs

There are many lessons regarding relationships that can be derived from our first Jewish Matriarchs and Patriarchs in the way they conducted their lives.

Although neither of the biblical couples (Avraham and Sarah and Isaac and Rebekah) mentioned above had the benefit of a marriage education workshop, they both serve as role models in terms of the characteristics each exhibited in their respective interaction a dedication to mutual respect, empathy, commitment to each other, love which grew, and a true partnership – i.e., all of the topics minimally covered in a marriage education workshop.

We owe it to ourselves to emulate our first couples and most of all build and continually nurture our homes to be the bastions of shalom and happiness and serve as anchors for our own survival and for the benefit of our children especially during these turbulent times.

Let us all work to ensure that we have homes that reflect our highest values and are full of love and harmony and lights unto the nations. Our Matriarchs and Patriarchs are our guides – and we can perpetuate their teachings. It is UP TO US!