What’s so bad about a nuclear holocaust?

I’m really starting to get fed up with all this hysteria about the Iranian nuclear bomb. Why all the complaints? Nukes are high-tech and painless. Plus, the Iranians are considerate enough not to speak German.

So where is the gratitude? This time around, instead of having to travel thousands of kilometers by train to some God-awful place, instant death will be delivered to us in sleek, shiny missiles — and without the need to leave the country. Yes, you too can be annihilated in the comfort of your own home, and at no cost to boot!

Your friendly neighborhood exterminator

But no. Ungrateful as Jews are, we refuse to see progress — even when it’s sitting there, squinting condescendingly, right in front of our nose. We have no appreciation for the fact that the Iranian regime is refusing to go Nazi or Hutu on us, even though the German method is known to be effective and machetes are not as harmful to the environment. Yet we brush aside all the sacrifices the Islamic regime is prepared to accept in order to create a humane doomsday weapon. It really is rather sad, and an indictment of the selfish nature of Israeli society.

Why are we never satisfied? Israelis are raising hell, claiming it’s 1939 all over again. But last I checked, the date on the calendar was most certainly post-1945, and Germany was no longer ruled by an Austrian Charlie Chaplin impersonator. So why the outrage? The promise was “never again” — not “not something different” — and in the history of genocide, Iranian nukes most certainly are something different. What’s all the fuss about?

A blessing in disguise (illustration: Arie Katz/The Times of Israel)

It must be due to the nefarious effects of Zionism. Without Zionism Jews would not insist on being treated with dignity and respect. Instead we would accept our fate happily, just like the good Jews of Neturei Karta, who believe we’re uniquely destined to suffer. A Jewish state prevents all this wonderful agony by providing security and a place for Jewish culture to thrive. But that’s not authentic Judaism. Real Judaism — besides spitting on little girls — is the certainty that as long as you keep the traditions, you or your descendants will one day be slaughtered.

And that’s the reason why Iran needs those nukes. They want to help us return to our natural state, and they’re actually doing us a huge favor. Palestinians have tried to restore the natural order with their rockets and suicide bombings, but those lack effectiveness. Authentic Judaism can only be achieved by a nuclear detonation in Tel Aviv.