The world as we know it changed forever this week. No, not the beheading of journalists by ISIS. Or the fact that vegan activist Tal Gilboa took home the big cash prize on Israel’s most watched show Big Brother. No. Nada. School is back in session which means the collective punishment for anyone foolish enough to have an offspring finally ended. And we responsible, hard-working adults can get back to doing what we do best. Smoking weed at ten AM with a glass of wine while making no attempts to hide this from our increasingly curious offspring. So yay!
But this whole vegan thing got me thinking. About marijuana. And legalization. More specifically, what if plants have feelings? In which case I (and many of you reading this) am single-handedly carrying out mass genocide of plants. Seriously. And quite cruelly. Burning those poor plants alive. In glass bongs. I can almost hear their anguished cries. For the sake of getting high. It’s enough to make me sick. So I’ve started a sanctuary.
For liberating weed. Please send me all your unsmoked weed and hash. I will keep it in a cool environment and let it live out its days in peace and serenity. C/O the Marijuana Liberation Organization ISRAEL. MLO Israel. Or is it the People’s Front for the liberation of Marijuana? The PFLM? Or wait, the Jewish Brigades for Freeing Weed? I’ll have to get back to you. Either way save the weed.
Weed is Murder!
Joan Rivers just died. A pioneer. A trailblazer. An iconoclast. And she was probably the funniest and sharpest comedian on television. And she just happened to be a great supporter of Israel and plastic surgery. And while I never actually met Ms. Rivers in person, one of the programs that I help subtitle for Israeli Television is a weekly satirical show about fashion called Fashion Police. And after seeing every episode for the past two years I feel like I know her. And her daughter Melissa. And she made me laugh. Out loud at times. Which made my co-workers quite nervous. So they asked me politely to work from home. And maybe shower once in a while.
But in honor of you Ms. Rivers and all the funny, hilarious Jewish women out there, I’ve compiled a list of the top ten Jewish female comedians that I would love to (or in the past tense) share a doob with in Israel (if it were legalized of course. Until then I’ll be tending to the rehabilitation of the rescued weed). In no particular order:
1. Chelsea Handler. Up until this past month Chelsea Handler, the half-Jew half-Mormon from New Jersey hosted a late night talk show on E! (yeah, it’s up there past the local Arabic News Channel) And she talks about her love of Vodka, midgets, black rappers penetrating her, xanax nightly and, of course, medical marijuana. Which she smokes (admittedly) copious amounts of. I would love to sit down with her and get stoned. So Chels, if you’re reading this, let’s get stoned. I know you love fatsos with moobs.
2. Sarah Silverman. Beautiful, funny and absolutely boundary free. I know most comedians are sad and depressing when their not on stage. But not you. I get the impression you would make me laugh so hard I would pee my pants. Which, doesn’t take much. I pee my pants almost daily. But at least you would give me a valid excuse for my incontinence.
3. Adi Ashkenazi. You were busted a while back for possession. They stormed your house and confiscated all your weed. So I know you smoke. And you make me laugh. Out loud. Timing. Delivery. And in Hebrew. And we both have kids roughly the same age. Play date?
4. Roseanne Barr. I grew up watching you on Roseanne. And you made me feel less inadequate about being fat. Or growing up Jewish in a middle class blue collar neighborhood in New Jersey.
5. Whoopi Goldberg. OK, obviously she’s not Jewish. But anyone who worked as a phone sex operator and then subsequently changes their name to sound more Jewish is alright by me. And, when we get really baked, you can pretend to be sending me messages from Patrick Swayze.
6. My grandmother, Gertrude Fried, may she rest in peace. And by ‘in peace’ I mean at the great big casino in the sky with a half smoked cigarette dangling from her mouth, a Harvey Wallbanger and legendary baseball player Pete Rose aka Charlie Hustle that she can flirt with. And a few years ago when I wanted to get married here in Israel the shmucks at the rabbinical council wouldn’t accept me as Jewish. Even though I’m very frugal with money. So they asked me to show them proof. So I started to pull down my pants. But they stopped me. In this case a few hundred shekels bribe would do the trick. But being the Jew that I am I said no. So they sent me to take a picture of dearly departed Trudy’s gravestone in South Carolina to make sure there was Hebrew writing on it. And up there in that big casino in the sky I’m sure she got the last laugh when we got married in Cyprus.
Miss you Nana.
7. Julia Louis Dreyfus. Not Jewish. Even though she descends from the Dreyfus family. And who can blame this hilarious comedienne for denying her Jewness after having to put up with one of the most obnoxious (yet hilarious) Jews of all time Larry David and his alter ego George Costanza?
8. Dr. Ruth Westheimer. You had me with your German accent and your infectious smile. I was sixteen or seventeen years old and you came to a ceremony dedicating a street to former NY mayor Ed Koch in Jaffa. And you proceeded to speak at length to two hundred twelve year old kids about the joys of sex. It was so incredibly hilarious and so incredibly awkward. But you did it mostly in Hebrew. And that was impressive. So next time you’re in Israel call me. We’ll smoke a doob and maybe you can give me some pointers on how to finally satisfy my wife.
9. MK Ayelet Shaked of the Bayit Yehudi. Oh man, she’s hilarious. Wait, what? She’s not a comedienne? Then she actually meant all those horrible nasty things she said about genocide, Palestinians, blacks and gays? It wasn’t satire? Oy.
10. Joan Rivers. Oh Joan. Your sharp tongue and wit have given me so much laughter over the years. You will be missed. And when you’re up there in heaven and you’re done making the rounds of all the most hilarious comedians that ever lived (Groucho, Robin Williams and gang) and you say hello to Edgar and everyone else, please say hi to Trudy from me. And ask her who she’s wearing.