Why Families Should Discuss Burial in Israel
There are certain conversations that families naturally prefer to postpone. Burial is understandably one of them.
Yet for Jewish families living outside Israel, there is an additional question that can be particularly difficult to address at a time of loss: where should a loved one be laid to rest?
For some, burial in their local Jewish cemetery is the natural choice. For others, being buried in Israel — and particularly in Jerusalem — carries a significance that has been felt across generations.
The problem is not usually deciding whether Israel is meaningful. The difficulty comes when a family has never discussed the practical implications of that choice.
A decision that can become urgent very quickly
When someone passes away, a family may suddenly find itself dealing with a chevra kadisha, funeral arrangements, international transportation, documentation, airlines, Israeli authorities and a cemetery — all while grieving.
Questions that might have been relatively straightforward a year earlier can suddenly feel overwhelming.
Did the person actually want burial in Israel, or was it something they mentioned casually many years ago? Which cemetery did they have in mind? Is there already a family plot? What will transportation involve? Who will coordinate the arrangements in Israel? What costs should the family expect?
These are not questions most people want to answer while sitting shiva preparations are being made.
That is why discussing burial wishes in advance can be an act of consideration for the people who will eventually have to carry them out.
For Diaspora Jews, Israel can remain home in a different sense
I made aliyah from Britain in 2009. One thing that has become increasingly clear to me is that the relationship between Diaspora Jews and Israel does not fit neatly into the categories of where somebody was born or where they currently live.
A person may have spent almost an entire lifetime in London, Manchester, New York, Miami, Toronto, Sydney or another Jewish community abroad and still feel a profound connection to Israel.
Children may live here. Grandchildren may be growing up here. A person may have visited dozens of times, studied here when younger, supported Israeli institutions or simply regarded the Land of Israel as part of his Jewish identity throughout his life.
For such families, the question of burial in Israel can be about much more than geography.
Jewish tradition has long attached special significance to burial in Eretz Yisrael. That connection has continued through centuries in which Jews around the world dreamed of Jerusalem even when reaching it during their lifetimes was extraordinarily difficult.
Today, the practical circumstances are very different. Israel is accessible, Jewish communities around the world have established procedures for arranging burial here, and families have far more ability to investigate their options in advance.
Planning does not mean expecting the worst
This is perhaps the biggest misconception.
Discussing burial arrangements does not have to be morbid. Nor does it mean that someone believes the end of life is imminent.
We routinely make decisions intended for a distant future. We prepare wills, organize financial affairs, purchase insurance and tell family members where important documents are kept.
Clarifying burial wishes can be approached in much the same way.
For someone considering Israel, that might simply mean researching the available cemeteries, understanding approximate costs, discussing preferences with children and making sure the family knows whom to contact when the time eventually comes.
Families beginning that process can find practical information about burial in Israel and the arrangements that may need to be considered.
The objective is not to make every decision immediately. It is to prevent uncertainty later.
The conversation itself has value
There is also something important about giving parents and grandparents the opportunity to express what matters to them.
Families are often surprised by these conversations.
A parent may have a strong preference that the children never knew about. Someone who was assumed to want burial in Israel may actually prefer to remain near a spouse buried locally. Another person may feel strongly about Jerusalem because of a family connection stretching back generations.
There is no single correct answer for every Jewish family.
What matters is that the decision, wherever possible, reflects the wishes of the person concerned rather than assumptions made during a crisis.
And once those wishes are known, they should be written down and shared with the appropriate family members.
A difficult subject can ultimately bring peace of mind
Nobody can remove the pain that accompanies the loss of someone close.
But we can remove some of the uncertainty.
A family that knows what its parent wanted does not have to debate the question at the most difficult possible moment. Instead of wondering, “What would Dad have wanted?” the family can concentrate on fulfilling wishes that were clearly expressed.
For Jewish families with a connection to Israel, burial is therefore worth discussing long before the information is actually needed.
It may be an uncomfortable conversation for an hour.
But one day, that hour may prove to have been a remarkable kindness to the people we leave behind.
Mordechai Ovadia works with Land of Israel Burials, helping Jewish families in the Diaspora understand the options and practical arrangements involved in burial in Israel.