Professor David Miller of Bristol University believes that the Bristol University Jewish Society is part of an Israeli attempt for worldwide domination. Now although this may be codswallop, Bristol University has over 350 Student Union societies and any half-efficient totalitarian government would be investigating them all.
I mean there are many obvious suspects. The Bristol University Capoeira club teaches an obscure Brazilian martial art, which I’ve never heard of. It is now alleged though that tribes up the Amazon are intent on world domination, if only they could find their way out of the jungle, and it’s obvious that skilled Capoeira students might then be very useful.
The University itself comes under suspicion when you consider what it has to say about Finnish Students. The authorities may be considered very naive, but they say “We welcome applications from Finnish students”. Now it is suggested that the Finns prefer to train for world domination in the warmth of Bristol, rather than the cold of Helsinki, but remember how the Anglo-Saxons didn’t recognise the danger of the Vikings until too late. Just because it’s a few years ago, that’s no reason why applications should be welcomed without suitable scrutiny.
I notice that many of these societies choose to meet between noon and two o’clock. I presume that the initiates wanting to join the clubs are being asked as they are enrolled “Are you prepared to give up your lunch hour for the cause?” You know you must be prepared to make sacrifices if you want to achieve world domination.
At the last count, there were alleged to be 57,842 organisations seeking world domination, once they’ve had the covid vaccine. They organise flag days, ladies nights, marathon walks and rowing competitions. The Bristol University Knitting Society has not been approached yet to knit blankets for their future military campaigns, but the expert tuition the Knitting Society provides is making more students competent when the call comes.
These 57,842 organisation are going to need any number of experts and suspicion naturally falls on the members of AeroSoc, the student society for those studying for the Aerospace Engineering degree. It is believed that their alleged ambition is to take over Mars as a sort of pilot endeavour and move on to world domination once they’ve got Mars under control.
It doesn’t stop there, however. There is also a prime suspect in the Bristol University Veterinary and Zoological Society. It is alleged that gorillas are being trained to act as traffic wardens, improving the standard of supervision available after world domination is achieved.
I am also shocked to be told that it is rumoured that there are members of the Bristol University Ladies Lacrosse club who refer to Professor Miller as Nutty Dave, but that wouldn’t be respectful and ladies who play lacrosse definitely are.
The real problem with world domination is that it’s so expensive. I mean, you can’t get a half decent throne nowadays, even at John Lewis at Cribbs Causeway.
So while the authorities at Bristol are working closely with the University’s Jewish Society, there is a definite need for an official publication pointing freshmen in the direction of the right societies, depending on whose manifesto for world domination is the most attractive. Now which academic can they suggest as editor who has the widest knowledge and the most bizarre imagination?