The Blogs: Would Your Marriage Pass the Chesed Test?

When was the last time you went the extra mile to make your spouse feel loved?

Not because you were asked. Not because it was expected. But simply because you wanted to bring a little more happiness into your marriage.

In Parashat Chayei Sarah, Eliezer, entrusted with finding a wife for Yitzhak, looks for one defining quality: chesed—loving-kindness expressed through action.

When Rivka offers Eliezer water, she does something extraordinary. Without being asked, she volunteers to draw water for all his camels (Bereishit 24:14–20).

Her generosity goes beyond courtesy. She recognizes a need and willingly makes the effort to fulfill it.

If chesed was so important in choosing a spouse, shouldn’t it be equally important in cherishing the spouse we have already chosen?

Going the Extra Mile in Marriage

After years of marriage, it is easy to become absorbed in responsibilities, routines, and expectations. We may assume our spouse knows we care, even when our daily actions no longer communicate that love.

Yet a thriving marriage needs more than good intentions.

Chesed invites us to shift our thinking from “What should my spouse be doing for me?” to “What can I do to make our life together more loving?”

And when both spouses embrace this attitude, kindness becomes a source of renewed affection, trust, and companionship.

How can we bring Rivka’s example into our own homes?

Notice the Unspoken Need

Rivka did not wait to be asked to water the camels.

Try this: When your spouse has had a difficult day, take over an unpleasant chore, prepare something comforting, or offer a few minutes of undivided attention.

Sometimes the greatest gift is communicating, “I noticed. I care.”

Give the Kindness That Matters Most

What feels loving to one spouse may not be what the other needs.

Try this: Ask your spouse, “What is one thing I could do that would make your week happier?”

Perhaps the answer is more appreciation, uninterrupted conversation, practical assistance, or simply spending time together.

Then follow through. Chesed becomes meaningful when our spouse actually experiences it as kindness.

Surprise Your Spouse With Thoughtfulness

Rivka offered more than Eliezer expected. We, too, can go beyond familiar routines.

Try this: Leave an affectionate note, arrange an unexpected outing, express appreciation for something usually taken for granted, or revive a small gesture from your early years together.

Especially in long-standing marriages, thoughtful surprises remind us that love deserves continuing attention.

Make Chesed a Two-Way Commitment

Chesed should never become an expectation that one spouse continually gives while the other simply receives.

Both husband and wife deserve tenderness, consideration, dignity, and respect.

Try this: Set aside ten minutes each week to ask one another: “What made you feel loved this week? What could we do differently next week?”

Listen without defensiveness. Appreciate the efforts being made. And choose one improvement together.

Your Marriage’s Chesed Test

This week, I invite every couple—newly married or celebrating decades together—to undertake one simple challenge:

Go the extra mile for your spouse in a way that is meaningful to them, without waiting to be asked.

Then make it a habit, not a one-time experiment.

Eliezer looked for chesed as a defining quality in a future spouse.

Let us make chesed a defining quality in how we treat the spouse we already have.

May we never become so accustomed to sharing our lives that we forget the privilege—and responsibility—of making one another feel cherished.

After all, the most beautiful marriages are not simply those in which love is promised, but those in which love is continually practiced.