Boss getting you down? Stuck in a dead end job? Overqualified and underpaid? Yeah, well it could always be worse. A lot worse. So to make you feel better about yourself and your current station in life I’ve put together a list of ten jobs that are (probably) worse than yours. Unless you’re unemployed. In which case shoot them your CV and a cover letter. In no particular order:
1) Syrian Minister of Tourism. A few years ago I was on a flight from Barcelona to The Netherlands and in between shots of Jim Beam and undue harassment of the flight attendant and the young newlyweds next to me I caught an article praising the beautiful sites Syria had to offer in the In-Flight Magazine. This was pre civil-war of course and I thought how lovely it would be if I too could visit some ancient ruins outside of Damascus one day. Well it’s not happening any time soon. A quick glance at the official tourist bureau website reveals that the information is provided in Arabic, Chinese and Italian. No Hebrew or English. Bummer. Who has this coveted position? Some dude named Bishar Rayid Yazigi. I would avoid asking for a raise anytime soon Bishar. Sounds like your boss has got a lot on his plate.
2) Sarah Netanyahu’s Housekeeper. The lawsuit brought against Sarah Netanyahu by former housekeeper Lilian Peretz in 2012 should give you some indication of what kind of working conditions you can (allegedly) expect. Like having to cook all the food at your own place and then bring it over so that her paintings don’t smell. Or working on Shabbat even if you are religious. Or saran wrapping everything. Or killing cockroaches. Or buying all that ice cream. The devil wears anything but Prada.
3) Yair Lapid’s Social Media Director. Turns out that it’s quite fashionable to bash the reigning Finance Minister from Yesh Atid. A quick glance at his latest Facebook update concerning the collapsing middle-class is enough to show you how once loyal supporters and voters have turned on him. One even goes so far as writing: “Yair!!!! You and your cronies have destroyed the middle class!!!! No more talking!!!!” If the use of exclamation marks is any indication of the mood of his constituents, I’d say that representing him online is one colossal headache.
4) Customer Service Representative for Kvish 6. For those of you living outside of Israel, Kvish 6 (Road 6) is Israel’s first toll road. For those of you living in Israel, there’s a good chance you owe them money and you don’t even know it. Worse than that is that the initial sum keeps growing in monthly intervals. So yeah, if you work for Kvish 6 my sympathies. You’ve got it rough. But, hey, at least you’ll know if you owe them money and not have to pay late fees.
5) Hassan Rouhani’s Stylist. Say what you will about his Holocaust-denying predecessor Ahmadenijad, the man knew style. He wore tailored suits and had his beard groomed straight out of GQ. But Rouhani? The guy’s got no style. Too bad there aren’t any gay men in Iran. He sure could use a queer eye.
6) Tie Distributor/Salesman. Every father in the US knows how old his kids are by the number of ties he has in his closet. Sadly, ties aren’t a thing in this country. I don’t have the exact numbers but I would venture a guess that 95% of Israelis wouldn’t know how to properly wear a tie (unless it was a clip-on). So don’t try and make it rich by selling ties here. You won’t.
7) Television Weather Reporter. OK I know what you’re thinking. How hard is it to be the weather person in a country with eight to nine months of warm weather and no rain a year? Heck, you can mail it in from May through November. But here’s the thing. If it rains here all hell breaks loose. People forget how to drive. Buildings collapse. Roads flood. Mythical creatures emerge from underground. It’s utter effing mayhem once it starts to rain. So you better be prepared with the Doppler 10000 to predict when it will rain, for how long and whether or not I can wear my crocs/Havaianas even though it’s October and most people in the Western world are already in coats and jackets. So no, I think I’ll pass on this one.
8) Exterminator. Full disclosure. I have a disabling fear of cockroaches. If I see one of those flying ones I’m likely to go into an epileptic seizure. So if my job was to go from apartment to apartment and fumigate against those hideous critters I would most likely commit suicide or pull a William S. Burroughs and start sniffing my own rat poison.
9) Nuclear Reactor Employee. First of all, Israel doesn’t even have a nuclear reactor so shut up and tell us what you really do for a living. If it did exist (which it doesn’t) you’d have to live in or near Dimona. Which sucks big time.
10) Reception Hall Employee. I’m talking about the person that calls all of the guests a week or so before the wedding to see if they plan on showing up. In the States we RSVP. Here there’s a person whose job it is to call (ambush) you and listen to you bullshit an excuse on why you can’t make it. The up side is that you are well prepared if you ever need to come up with a bullshit excuse why you can’t do something. The down side is that everyone lies to you. Which is kinda depressing.
These jobs suck, but can they be worse than whatever job you’re working at this minute while reading this blog? How bored are you, right? So go back to whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing. Or learn how to speak Yiddish from this video on YouTube. Or spend another hour in the bathroom solving Sudoku puzzles. Just remember. It could always be worse.