The morning commute can be such a drag. Especially when there are all those other people in the way. Fortunately, you can leverage current events to take the focus of your own pathetic lazy habits and shine it instead on the real villains: the Islamic State, the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Al-Nusra, Hamas…the list goes on. Like some people we know. When the old Chefetz Chashud – suspicious object – excuse gets tired, here are eight ways to portray your self as a victim stymied by evil forces in your heroic attempt to get to work on time.

drone

1. Hamas Or Hezbollah Drones

To the Home Front Command they may be little more than a nuisance, and to the people who launched them they may be nothing but propaganda props, but those crude Unmanned Aerial Vehicles are the Next Big Thing in long-distance warfare. Best of all, as reliable reports from Lebanon to Iran demonstrate, those things crash all the time. Capitalize on the unpredictable, yet almost credible, nature of these UAVs. Just don’t overplay your hand by claiming you narrowly escaped an assassination-by-drone. Unless you work as, say, a Palestinian or Yemeni terrorist, in which case go right ahead.

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2. Beheadings

Lord knows how difficult even simple tasks such as changing lanes can become when there are heads literally rolling around on the roadway. And all it takes is one errant cranium to short-circuit an entire commuter rail line. You don’t need to claim you were personally threatened by a machete-wielding Islamist in order to benefit from their reputation for brutality.

Collateral Damage

3. Too Many Civilian Casualties

Confess that you simply could not stomach the thought of so many innocent Syrians, Iraqis, Gazans, Somalis, or whoever, falling victim to the indiscriminate bombings and missile strikes by barbaric western powers. It made you sick just considering it, and you almost had to call in and say you weren’t coming today. If only those western governments would show the same concern for human lives as their enemies do!

9-11

4. 9/11

This only works if your commute takes you anywhere near an airport, but that’s many of us. Complain that the sight of a civilian airliner indices Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, lo these thirteen years later. You still get nightmares. You have to pull over to the side of the road and conduct your special breathing exercises. You wouldn’t want me to cause an accident, would you sir?

niqab

5. You’re A Woman, And Not Allowed To Drive Under Shariah Law

And a good thing, too, because those niqabs severely limit one’s ability to see the road. Safety first.

see something

6. You Saw Something, And Said Something

Hey, you were just doing your civic duty. You saw the guy in the next lane look swarthy, and we all know how dangerous that can be. And the police weren’t very understanding when you explained the situation, either, which only took more time.

Boko Haram

7. Boko Haram

So far they’ve only kidnapped schoolgilrs, and foreigners, and a whole bunch of other people over in West Africa, but you can’t be too careful. You’ve planned your morning commute so as to avoid obvious ambush and kidnapping locations, just as any responsible employee should do. You should actually get a citation. Maybe even a raise. (This also works for Somali pirates.)

Toyotas

8. Toyota Pickup Trucks

IS has oodles of them. You had to take an alternative route very time you encountered one.

If your boss doesn’t believe you, you can always fall back on blaming the Jews. Rumor has it they even control Israel.

Find more of David’s tastelessness at PreOccupied Territory.