By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 11/28/2016 at 7:20 PM
Gehenna: Hell’s newest resident, a Mister Fidel Castro, late of Havana, has wasted no time getting situated in the abode that will be his residence for eternity. Immediately upon arriving in the Netherworld this weekend, Mr. Castro enrolled in classes over at Hell Community College, located on the Fifth Circle, right next to the Hell Convention Center which hosted last Summer’s FOREX Conference.
Like all Totalitarian Dictators, Castro is condemned to spend an eternity in an introductory Civics course, learning over and over and over again the principles of a civil society that maintains the consent of the governed. Yet while the students attend class day in and day out, they never really retain anything that they have learned, which leads to them failing the Final Exam and repeating the Semester. Again. And again. And again. Until Mahmoud Abbas holds an election or something. Thus, Fidel will spend an eternity in Civics 101, taught by Professor Yasser Arafat. The Daily Freier stopped by Gehenna (on a Day Pass! We hope!) to sit in on Professor Arafat’s seminar for Fidel’s first day of school.
The whole gang was there. Saddam Hussein sat himself down with the regal flair befitting a former Head of State. Qadaffi sat next to Saddam, hectoring him on the greatness of Qadaffi’s Green Book as a visibly agitated Saddam tried to stare out the window into the distance. Hugo Chavez sat in the back row cracking jokes. Ceaucescu sat in the middle, constantly checking which side of the class was favored. Even though he never ruled anything larger than an encampment of tents in the Hindu Kush, Osama Bin Laden was allowed to audit the course in the hopes that he would learn something. The class was even wheelchair-accesible, because in 2004 Hell brought all of its facilities into compliance with the Disabilities Act, thus allowing Sheikh Yassin access to a classroom where he could learn with his peers. This did not, however, stop the Sheikh from calling Professor Arafat “a pork eater and a wine drinker” under his breath.
Professor Arafat began his lecture. “Class, don’t believe your own press. If publishing bad news gets you killed, they only publish good news. On a similar note, you all might be horrible people, no matter what a cute but goofy Canadian Prime Minister says about you.”
Professor Arafat continued his lecture. “So class, a ‘Great Leap Forward’ isn’t so great if you need to kill 20 Million people to make it happen. Looking at you, Mao.” Mao Tse-Tung squirmed in his chair uncomfortably as Corporal Schickelgruber in the second row shot him a sympathetic glance.
Thirty minutes into the period, class seemed to be really dragging. The Daily Freier leaned over to Kim Jong Il and asked him what the deal was. Kim Jong Il replied. “The class can only progress to the level of knowledge on Civics that Professor Arafat possesses at any given time. So we’re kind of all waiting on Yasser Arafat’s learning curve. But yeah…. it’s not the first time he’s held a roomful of people hostage.”
An hour into class, Pol Pot arrived late, walked over to Castro and asked if the empty seat next to him was taken. Castro replied.
“Sorry, this seat’s taken. Principal Stalin says my brother Raoul is expected to join our class any day now.“