10 confessions of a left-leaning traitor

To Minister Itamar Ben Gvir, Minister Bezalel Smotrich, and MK Avi Maoz:

I, Steven Greenberg, make this confession of my own free will, under no duress. I hereby admit and attest that:

1. 33 years ago, I chose to make aliyah in utter disregard of my preordained Zionist role (staying overseas, sending money, shutting up).
2. Of my own free will, I chose to serve in a combat role in the IDF, recklessly breaking with your rich tradition of non-service, Ministers Ben Gvir and Smotrich, and disdaining the advantages of the state-supported religious education I could have pursued.
3. Frequently, when my mother calls, I claim I’m “working” and can’t talk, when I’m actually watching The Crown.
4. Over three decades of traitorous tax contributions, I have knowingly funded seditious organizations that include the Ministry of (left-wing traitor) Education, the Ministry of (Arab-loving) Health, the Ministry of (homosexually-tainted) Interior, and the Office of Cigars and Champagne (uh, that is, the Office of the Prime Minister).
5. I have treated women with egregious respect. I have hired them for positions of responsibility. I have engaged them in conversations that have nothing to do with domestic chores. And I have heeded their advice in inherently masculine matters like business, politics, religion and (gasp!) sports.
6. I have numerous and close friends who are known homosexuals. Moreover, I have myself watched and enjoyed multiple episodes of Glee.
7. I have flaunted my enfranchisement and civic duties shamefully and in public by voting my conscience in every election, national and municipal.
8. During my decade as a volunteer policeman, I treated Arab citizens respectfully. Worse, I continue to refer to them as “Arab citizens” — thus treasonously recognizing their presence in society.
9. I have failed to ever chant “Death to Arabs” in public or in private, even when contractors working in my home left a really big mess.
10. I have seditiously referred to Judea and Samaria as “occupied territory,” clearly mislabeling the massive military-run governance of these areas in a derogatorily accurate fashion.

Minister Ben Gvir, Minister Smotrich, and MK Maoz – I realize that I, in my flamboyant pluralism, evil egalitarianism, and seditious inclusivity, continue to cause deep and irreparable harm to the dark, repressive, discriminatory, misogynistic and homophobic society that you are committed to building. I humbly await your judgement and ask only that you don’t tell my mother that I watch Glee and sometimes reject her calls.