10 tips to save your child from PTSD

When I wrote my last blog, A letter from a formerly suicidal IDF reservist (and posted the accompanying video), I didn’t let myself think too hard about what might happen after I pressed “publish.” I just had a voice in my head telling me that it was time I shared my story, and maybe I might help a couple of people.

What ended up happening was that I received an overwhelming flood of support from friends, fellow reservists, and strangers — so much support and appreciation that I felt the need to continue doing whatever I can to help people like me feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and help other parents take care of their struggling adult children the way my mom took care of me.

So after a lot of thought, I want to share 10 tips for taking care of your child (or partner or best friend) with PTSD.

(Disclaimer: I’m not a mental health professional — although I do have a very expensive BA in cognitive science — but I am a person who miraculously recently went from years of feeling suicidal to virtually completely healthy, so I feel qualified to offer advice based off my lived experiences.)

1. When you ask how they’re doing and they say they’re fine, don’t take their word for it.

There’s a very good chance that either (A) they’re lying out of embarrassment or (B) they aren’t ready to acknowledge their suffering — maybe they think that what they went through wasn’t “bad enough” to justify how they’re feeling. Instead, in the aftermath of the traumatic event, start paying attention to their behavior and look for signs. Has their mood changed? Are they getting stressed about things they used to not stress over? Are they losing their temper? Are they sleeping dramatically more? Is it harder for them to get up in the mornings? Are they showering or brushing their teeth less than they used to? Are they spending less time with their friends? Are they losing their memory? If there are enough yeses that you feel nervous, it’s time to get involved.

2. Don’t wait for them to hit rock bottom before taking action.

Early treatment can be key to preventing a crisis. There’s no set amount of suffering someone needs to reach before looking for a therapist or a psychiatrist. There’s an Emmy Award-winning song I love from the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend called “Antidepressants Are So Not A Big Deal” that I recommend playing over and over again until it gets permanently stuck in their head: antidepressants are so not a big deal!

3. Help with the little things that have become overwhelming.

When you’re depressed or suffering from PTSD, even the smallest tasks can feel exhausting or unmanageable. Show up to help lighten their mental load: Order them a meal (shoutout to my mom, who regularly sends me food deliveries in Israel via Wolt from 7,000 miles away), throw their laundry in the washing machine, take them for a grocery store run date, or sit beside them while they make a phone call. Don’t take over their lives and excuse them of their agency, but help take one thing off their plate and get the ball rolling. It can make a huge difference.

4. Recruit a support network instead of trying to do everything alone.

You may be your child’s biggest advocate, but you don’t have to be — you shouldn’t be — their only source of support. With their permission, involve trusted friends, family, or community members who can check in, help with practical tasks, or simply spend quality time with them. It’s important for them, but it’s especially important for you and your own mental health.

5. Celebrate tiny victories.

Maybe they got out of bed, went for a walk, made it to an appointment, or answered an email they’d been avoiding for weeks. Recognize the effort it took without turning it into a demand for more progress tomorrow. Recovery isn’t linear, and a difficult day after a good one doesn’t mean they’ve failed or that their progress wasn’t real.

6. Resist the urge to immediately solve every problem they tell you about.

Sometimes they need advice, sometimes they need someone to listen, and sometimes they just want a hug. Before jumping into solutions, ask what they’re looking for. Be a safe place they know they can go to without turning a simple vent session into you putting more items on their to-do list.

7. Don’t let them give up on treatment.

Your child probably won’t respond to the first therapist, medication, or treatment approach they try. If they’re like me, they won’t respond to the second, third, or fourth, either. They’ll want to give up, but don’t let them. It’s okay to take a break, but then do whatever you can to get them back on the horse. Taking it a step further, make it easy for them and do the research yourself for new treatment options in their area. I gave up on finding a new therapist, new meds, or a new treatment program so many times, but my mom didn’t give up until she found the one that eventually worked for me.

8. Set up an SOS signal so they know they’ll never be alone in an emergency.

You’re a busy person with your own life and problems; you can’t spend every moment with your child. But they should know how to reach you when they find themselves in a mental health emergency. For me, my best friend and I have a two-phone-call agreement: If one of us ever calls twice back-to-back, the other stops whatever they’re doing and picks up, no questions asked.

9. Know when love needs to become urgent action.

If you believe your child may be a danger to themselves, don’t let them be alone. This might mean sleeping on their couch or enlisting a friend to sleep on their couch. Consider calling a crisis hotline or even potentially accompanying your child to the emergency room. Then, as soon as it’s business hours, find a professional your child can see more long-term today.

10. Don’t forget to help them be normal.

Working to improve their mental health is important, but so is finding distractions from the mental prison that is depression or PTSD. When I was having a particularly hard time in reserves, I would ask my friends to send me dog pictures or tell me about the plot of TV show they’re watching. My mom would reach out to her friends who I normally never talk to, and ask them to shoot me a text about how work’s going or what their kids are up to. I can say that the vast majority of the time I was suffering, I didn’t want to talk about my problems — I just wanted a distraction, to feel normal, or a reason to smile. We all deserve more reasons to smile.

Thank you for reading… and please share this blog with someone it might help.