5 reasons why you’re not Jewish

Now that we learned from Yitzhak Pindrus that women who convert to Judaism through the IDF are not Jewish, here’s why the rest of us aren’t, either.

  1. Light skin. I don’t want to get all up in your racist face about this, but light skin is not a Semitic feature. So, I’m out. Maybe our ancestors converted? See # 5.
  2. Light-colored hair. Red or blond — you’re out. Maybe your ancestors converted? See #5. And by the way, Yitzhak Pindrus of “United” “Torah” “Judaism” fails on both #1 and #2. Not Jewish!

    Rabbi Yitzhak Pindrus arrives for a court hearing at the Supreme Court in Jerusalem about his disqualification from running for mayor in Elad in the upcoming elections, October 22, 2018. Photo by Yonatan Sindel/Flash90
  3. You might be of Persian extraction. According to the Book of Esther, many Persians converted to Judaism out of fear. Not acceptable, not Jewish! See #5.
  4. You can dance.
  5. Not one person ever, ever, was able to convert to Judaism according to the Hareidi standards of today. Not one. Not even Rut the mother of David, who became king. So when the Messiah comes, Yitz Pindrus will demand that he be circumcised.

So none of us light-skinned, light-haired, or Persian people should cast the first stone. See, I’m already starting to quote Jesus – that’s what happens when Yitzi Pindrus opens his mouth without thinking.

The good news is, you are Jewish, cuz I say so. Here’s a letter that you can present to Yitzi or anyone else who doubts it. Problem solved.

About the Author
Nathan Bigman is the author of the book Shut Up and Eat (How to quietly become a triplitarian) .
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