A Hair In My Eye

I feel stupid to write at this time about any difficulties or stress that I’m experiencing…

How can I complain, or moan or kvetch about anything… when our situation is almost perfect, when our difficulties are nothing compared to the real suffering that so many others are experiencing?

I don’t even know if I’ll show this to anybody, but maybe writing will do me some good, will help relieve some of my stress… Because there is stress, of course, even if it doesn’t compare to the suffering of others…

***

Many years ago I heard a joke:

A asks B: what do you think of the world situation?

B: I don’t know, I have a hair in my eye…

At the time I thought it was a good joke. Today I don’t think it’s funny, I think it’s very real. True, people are suffering, people are getting killed, rockets are falling on me and my family… still… the hair in my eye, or my toothache or the pain in my back, are the most important thing in my life at the moment…

***

Sirens and rockets

Here in Raanana, considered to be in the “center” of the country, we’ve had less than 10 sirens in this past month and, as far as I know, no rocket has landed here. We do hear loud booms, which could be the sound of a rocket being intercepted by the “iron dome”; or the sound of a rocket or the iron dome landing somewhere nearby…

But yes, it is scary. When the siren starts we all jump, startled, scared. We often hear sirens or booms from other towns, even from as far as Tel Aviv, and we tense up, waiting for the siren to blare here also. The siren system is very smart and rings only in parts of cities, only in the area where it calculates that the rocket will land. But we can hear it even if it’s not right in our area. Sometimes we are not sure if the siren is for us or for a neighboring town so we run to the shelter anyway, meeting with neighbors who also aren’t sure. We all have an app from the “Home Front Command” in our phones that shows us where the sirens are and is supposed to scream when it is in our area. But the application fails sometimes, so when we are in doubt, we run.

We follow the instructions from the Home Front Command. We have 90 seconds until a rocket reaches us from Gaza. If we’re home and awake, we can easily go down 2 flights of stairs and huddle under the staircase on the ground floor together with some neighbors and their dogs. If we’re feeling brave, we proceed out into the parking lot and walk/run over to the next entrance in our building, where there is a shelter on the ground floor. Then we can relax, check the phone application to find out more about the sirens, talk to the neighbors and wait for the booms and for 10 minutes to pass. The 10 minutes are to make sure that no more shrapnel is arriving, either from the rocket or from the iron dome interceptor. And to make sure that there isn’t another rocket on the way, which happens sometimes.

On the way out from our apartment, we all we put on our slippers (which we leave by the door for this purpose), we all grab keys and documents (which we leave on a table by the door), I grab my phone and my glasses, my pouch (with documents and money) and a shirt (I am often without a shirt at home) to be put on when I reach my destination… and then rush down the stairs, careful not to trip and fall. Many people get hurt when rushing to the shelter. If the boys are home, they help me and Rita in whatever way they can, to make sure we make it down safely. Even though we know that we have plenty of time, when the siren is screaming we get scared and don’t do things right. Suddenly I have trouble putting on my slippers. I forget the pouch. Rita ran out barefoot… – The phone, glasses and the pouch are with me the whole time… in the house, in the bathroom, when I take out the garbage…

If the siren blares at night when we are asleep, everything is more scary and confusing, of course. We know we won’t have time to change clothes during a siren, so we go to sleep already dressed for the run to the shelter. And for the rescue crews, if it comes to that, G-d forbid…

What about going to the toilet? Or taking a shower? – I’ve already decided that if I am naked, if I can’t get dressed properly, I’ll follow the last recommendation on the list – just lie down on the floor in the hall of our apartment, where there are less windows…

But we are constantly on edge. A hundred times a day we jump because we hear some boom which could be a door banging or the exhaust of a truck. A hundred times a day we jump because we hear a sound that could be the beginning of a siren. And whenever we hear something suspicious, we check the application to see if there really is a siren somewhere nearby. And if there is, then we stay on edge, expecting the rockets to reach also us, soon…

We’re always trying to guess when to expect the rockets. Yesterday they came at 4 pm, will they shoot at us today at the same time? So, at that time we avoid going out (not to be caught outside), we avoid taking a nap, we avoid taking a shower, we avoid having any important phone conversations, we even avoid having a meal. We try to adjust our lives around the expected rocket times… but of course we can’t really guess when they are coming…

***

And what happens if we are not at home?

During the Yom Kipur war, while I was hitchhiking towards the front, still in civilian clothes, a bombardment started where I was, somewhere on the Golan Heights. There were many soldiers around, there was even a Shekem canteen selling their stuff, and a bunch of soldiers waiting in line for their turn.

Suddenly I hear a boom. I look around… did anybody else hear it? Did I imagine it? Nobody seems to be reacting… Just in case, I look around for some cover, perhaps a ditch at the side of the road… Another boom… now people are starting to react, to look around. Not the people waiting at the canteen, they don’t want to lose their place in line… I am still standing, walking slowly towards the ditch that I chose. I don’t want to run and look foolish, if nobody else seems to think that there is a reason to worry…

Then a third boom and a rain of shells. Now everybody starts moving, running, trying to find cover. The pretense of calm is over, this is a real bombardment. I lie down in my spot that I chose. It was far from ideal, but it was the best I could find…

50 years later, last week, I was on a bus going to Rehov Ahuza in Raanana. I was getting ready to get off the bus when I think I hear a siren. Nobody reacts inside the bus, the bus driver gives no sign of worry. Of course, the siren could be for this area, for another area in Raanana or for a neighboring town. The sound isn’t very strong. I get off at my stop and look around… Is anybody stopping? I see some pedestrians running on the other side of the street, a car stops at the bus stop where I just got off, a man and children get out of the car and move quickly towards the sidewalk… But the traffic continues unchanged… What should I do? Should I decide that this is a real siren and lie down on the ground, risking the embarrassment of being the only person lying down? Or should I act like the cars, assume that this siren is not for our area and just ignore it?

I decide that, at 75, I am too old to worry about being embarrassed. What I should really worry about is if I can get down to the ground to lie down and if I’ll be able to get up again… So I pick a spot near a wall that doesn’t look too dirty, I lie down and cover my head with my arms, and immediately pull out my phone to check in the app if there was a siren in this area. And to make contact with my family. It turned out that they too weren’t sure about the siren and went down to the shelter.

Unsurprisingly, nothing happened that day, no explosions, no casualties. Unsurprisingly, because that’s what happens most times, thank G-d. Nevertheless, I was happy that I followed the instructions, and did not take any foolish chances for fear of being embarrassed.

In the end, the person who embarrassed me the most was my son Nathan… He said – I imagine what other pedestrians walking past you must have thought, seeing this silly man lying on the ground when there is no siren…

***

And then, there are the nights…

The only time a siren woke us up was on the first day, Simchat Tora, October 7, at 6.30 am. We were caught completely by surprise, same as the whole country and even the army. We jumped out of bed, woke up the children and ran down the stairs to the ground floor. In spite of the surprise it went quite smoothly. We have experience from previous times in which rockets landed here.

But every night I wonder… should I go to sleep now? Should I wait for the rockets, which may or may not come? When I wake up in the middle of the night, my first thought is – there was no siren yet. And in the morning, I’m always expecting the rockets at 6.30…

And every morning I wake up slowly, try to clear my head, to remember where I am, to remember if everybody is home… Then I realize that it’s morning, there were no rockets and that it’s time to check the news on my phone. I’m afraid to look. I’m afraid to see that we had more casualties, I’m afraid to recognize a name. Everybody knows somebody that knows somebody who was a victim on October 7. Everybody knows somebody that knows somebody who is in the army now, fighting in Gaza…

***

Fear of attack

The fear is not only from rockets, it is also from direct attacks by terrorists. Individual terrorists or an organized attack by an army of terrorists against cities ot villages, similar to what happened in the kibutsim and towns near Gaza on Simchat Tora.

Raanana, like most other cities, is organizing a civil defense. Our building is at the edge of the town, near orange groves. In times of peace, it’s great to be so near nature, it’s great to go for walks. Today however, it is dangerous and they are organizing defensive positions on the roof of our building…

Every Arab is a suspect. Arab workers come to our neighborhood… plumbers, construction workers, garbage collectors… Some of the neighbors are more scared than others and keep writing in the neighbors’ whatsapp group every time they see an Arab, asking if he belongs here, if he is working for someone…

Going for a walk in the early morning or after dark, something I was never afraid of, is something I’ve stopped doing.

Going anywhere, anytime, is something we avoid doing for fear of a siren and having to run for cover in an unknown place. When we go for a walk, we don’t go far from the public shelters in our area. If you are in the car, you worry having to stop the car suddenly, get out quickly and find a place to lie down on the side of the road…

***

Five weeks into this war and most of this has become routine. We all try to continue with our lives as best we can.

And I still feel like I have no right to kvetch, to complain, to moan… So many people have suffered so much and are still suffering… our life is wonderful by comparison…

But that little hair in my eye is still bothering me…

David Wolf