Connecting Through Sex
Sexuality should be hidden, an activity that is private, but it should not be a dark side of us. Our sexuality should reflect the best of us, our highest believes and hopes and our deepest longings. It should be uplifting and satisfying. And most of it, it should do what I believe that sexuality is cut out for most, connect us deeply to another human. To make us grounded, to have us connected, to give us the companionship that means an end to human loneliness in the deepest way.
Not Sexuality
So many things are called sexuality that are not.
Sexual violence and abuse have nothing to do with intimacy. They may involve sexual feelings (even in the victim, which may lead to confusion and undeserved guilt feelings) but it’s not sex. Rather, it’s violence and abuse, using people as if they are just things in the life of the perpetrator in an area that is equipped to connect people to people and therefore is the most painful mistreatment.
Sexual addictions are not sex at all. They are an expression of loneliness and result in more feelings of isolation and are best cured by making friends. Once we have company, it’s easier to not drift off into this waste of time and energy.
Now, I would like to propose that just enjoying sex is also not necessarily really sexuality. While not violating anyone, it kind of seems to betray what the best sex could look like.
Is That All There Is?
Now, this is a tricky area to enter. So many cultural and religious norms have laid down rules for sexuality that understandably, many people are wary of any principle about intimacy.
For people for whom it is difficult to climax or even feel sexual, any permission to feel free to concentrate on these things is bound to feel good and liberating. Over-anxiety about climaxing can be countered by focusing more on the journey and not just the destination but the goal of such an approach is still to be busy feeling sexual. More focus on foreplay is good but still calls it foreplay, as if the real goal is climaxing.
Most people who had a good sexual climax with someone, for some time are protected against being sexually stimulated constantly and tend to feel jolly and cheerful. I won’t deny any of the goodness of that.
So, I’m not going to speak badly about having fun sexually. It’s better than never having sex in any way. But I’m claiming that it might not be the best option possible.
More Is Possible
A lot of sexual practice in the West in our time seems to be more like snacking than like eating.
I would like to suggest that sexual couples start reserving time to use sex in a connecting way too. To focus on connecting rather than on “having” sex. Not to stop at sex just being mutual (consecutive or alternating) self-gratification – no matter how pleasant or superficial that may be. Rather, to dedicate time to connect sexually, physically and emotionally. To connect. To cuddle, give each other a massage, stare into each other’s eyes, hold each other, listen to each other, be there with each other.
Not in order to climax stronger. Rather, just like eating something that is good for your body and tasty and not just what you feel like, getting some high but ignoring what food would make you feel satisfied and healthy. Stop snacking all the time and take time for a good meal.
Many couples get bored with sex. They try to get it over with in minutes. Or they need to spice it up all the time, have new partners or rather do it with strangers or on their own. But this all intensifies our loneliness.
In our evolved societies, friendships have become virtual and loneliness has skyrocketed. Besides meeting, talking (not just texting) and walking / running around with friends, there is a need for sexuality more than ever. And I mean: sexually connecting. Not just going through sexual exercises in order to feel sexual. To feel one.
If you so wish, you may keep the old practices – for the time being? – but then – sometimes? – add time with a focus on being together.
Please try.
One closing point. In my experience as marriage counselor, lack of love is detrimental. If already one of them doesn’t love the other, the bond won’t last. So, if you don’t really love your partner, start falling in love as soon as possible – especially if you’re raising kids. That means: no more anger, arrogance or selfishness. And don’t give me that “I caaan’t.” Especially if the other also doesn’t love you. (It takes one to tango.) But not if the other will always be selfish. Yet, there are many reports that gays won’t stay in a monogamous sexual relationship with the “wrong” sex, no matter how much love they both feel for each other. That is sad.
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. *
As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. *
This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Of the 15 (!) books he has in mind, the next two are about homosexuality in Judaism and new rabbinics. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2600 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog that also may contain updates to Times of Israel posts, to which one may subscribe, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. *
He's getting ready to publicize books on: "Free Will, "Judaism and Homosexuality, "His parents in the Holocaust, "Judaism, "A New Torah Translation and "A New Hebrew Grammar, "Co-Counseling, "Vegan Facts, "Immortality, and more. *
Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He agrees that in a post-truth world, that's irrelevant, but then this is for the record. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. *
Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. *
Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. *
He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. *
He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. *
He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. *
His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. His posts are spell, grammar, and style polished by AI, but all written by himself. *
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His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1
