Guess what? Well, this probably will not come as a shock to you all:
There is a big difference between making love and having sex. I am talking about the sex you have when single, to when you are in a relationship.
So, this was one of the topics of conversation last night over one too many cocktails with some girlfriends. All of us in long-term relationships and discussing the differences from before and after.
Before I connected with my fiancé, I never really thought I wanted to get into a serious relationship. Before we were together, I was all about being totally single, going out and hooking up with whomever I felt like whenever I felt like it. Then, he turned up and when I did connect with him, I knew right away that I didn’t want to spend another day of my life without him.
When you only sleep with someone once, or even for just a few weeks, you never really have to know how sex might evolve or change with that person. You don’t really need to know as what you do know is that it is only a passing phase and for fun. When sex isn’t injected with love and commitment you only know it as spontaneous, new and exciting.
When you’re with someone for a while, it’s very difficult for sex to be any of those things. It is difficult because it is rarely spontaneous (unless if you get home drunk from cocktails with the girls) and cannot be new (unless you are into role play or buying toys) or exciting. When a relationship is at the early stages or it is just a causal relationship, sex is non-negotiable. It is weird if you see each other and you don’t have sex. In time, it can get challenging with other factors involved, like work or kids or just a busy life of running a home.
Motivation is different on both sides too. When you have sex, what you really want is to get off and have that attention from someone and be done with it. When you make love, obviously you want to get off, but it is deeper than that. Of course, you want to orgasm, but the primary motivation is to connect with your partner on a physical, mental and emotional level and have that alone time and to be there for one another.
Your presence is also one that differs. When you are single and having sex, we allow our minds to wonder more. Whether it is imagining you were banging Ryan Gosling during boring sex or just thinking about the shopping list, there are times when you are just not in it. This can happen of course when in a relationship and making love, but what I have come to notice is that when making love with your partner, you need to be fully present.
You must be in the moment with your partner, or you risk one of you feeling lonely because of the incredible vulnerability. When we feel vulnerable with our long-term partners, the smallest thing can raise a question if you are not really in that moment because there are more insecurities when the sex is not new and exciting.
However, making love with someone you know is your soulmate won’t make you want to be anywhere else because you’ll feel perfect just where you are.
After talking with some other friends (male and female) about this – it seems that it is common ground that most people do miss the fun and spontaneity of random sex, but when it comes down to it, making love to your partner is way more special as it is with the one you know you will be with forever, the one you can’t get enough of.
So, to summarize, of course, there are differences, but you need to decide on your own which one satisfies you more.