I won’t underestimate the courage and the intelligence of a Rebbetzin who suggests looking at an Injunction about touching between spouses maybe differently because intimate relationships have changed. That Rebbetzin Malka Piotrkowski just did. And she deserves every praise in the book.
However, I think that she is right and she is wrong. And I will tell you why.
Introduction
The Halachah, Jewish Law, is that husband and wife cannot touch (not even between their pinkies) in the second half of the menstrual cycle, during and after childbirth, and during sitting in mourning, and the amount of details of this Injunction is staggering. Ashkenazic couples don’t even sleep in the same bed; Mizrachic couples do (without touching).
Now, the Rebbetzin suggests that the relationship between husband and wife is different than it used to be. Nowadays, people clearly distinguish between sexual and platonic emotional touch. The latter should be always allowed. She politely mentions that she doesn’t propose changing Jewish Law. She only implies that there might be a reason to do so.
Men
As I sometimes argue, Jewish Law seems mainly given to men because men are the main source of trouble in the world–regrettably. That is still as true today as it was thousands of years ago. The life of most women can also improve by adhering to the Law but she should have a whole lot fewer obligations to adhere to–as the Halachah, Jewish Law, actually teaches.
Men too can identify emotional, non-sexual touch. I remember the men’s support group in my rebel days. One evening, the last of us eight admitted that he once wanted to put an arm around another man but didn’t do so for fear that it would be taken sexually. So, all of us, as different as we were, gay, straight, bi, we knew this kind of physicality that was unrelated to sex, and still, we were afraid that another man would not know that.
I think there is a real reason to fear physical closeness to be read wrongly by most men most of the time. Men are much more isolated than women, in general. We know that isolation breeds sexual fascination. For that reason, the main therapy for sex addiction is: build platonic friendships. Also, testosterone heightens libido. Ask trans-men. Also, at first, AIDS spread so fast among men having sex with men for a reason.
So, although men also are familiar with platonic touch, that’s not in the head of most men when they are touched. The girl says “I love you,” the guy thinks “Finally, some sex.” If he’s polite, he won’t say so. Many teenage girls find that hard to believe; many teenage boys not.
So, yes, touch can often be an ‘innocent’ and great gesture of support. But not for most men, most of the time. And Jewish Law legislates for most people, not for the exception that confirms the rule. If one is an exception, one goes to one’s rabbi and asks if there is an individual leeway.
Ach, it’s only for 20 to 30 years. After that, is menopause and can husband and wife always touch. I found comfort in, that most couples dislike the laws of family purity. I felt more connected to other guys suffering the same ‘fate.’ And in the separation days, one must rely on talking and not touch. That is something men often neglect in normal times. In the separation days, romantic talk is not allowed. But caring, loving speech is.
Queer
I know a rabbi whose wife dislikes going to the ritual bath–what is done to end the separation period. It makes her feel that she’s not OK and needs to be rectified. So, what did they decide? On the day she goes, he also goes.
There’s new proof of a deep deep value of the Jewish family purity laws, as they’re often euphemistically called. Listen to this. Women are known to be usually more sensitive than men. Less known are the scientific findings that generally, gays have more empathy than straights. (Just imagine then, how wonderful lesbians are!) So, by and large, queers+ are better at relationships than the normals. And in queer Jewish circles there is great interest to keep the family laws. They recognize their value and holiness.
This, while Modern-Orthodox Jews try to keep sex workable and enjoyable in straight couples, totally ignoring the gift of two weeks a month off!
Rules of thumb: Human sex is a way to connect deeply. One can only do that when emotionally close, good friends. One can only become good friends by listening and talking to each other. Un-intimate sex is not sex but only masturbation, self-serving sex. Sexual violence is only violence.
***
So, I feel the Rebbetzin’s pain, who feels the pain of so many. But I think she should ask a number of men if they’d think they can touch platonically.
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. *
As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. *
This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Of the 15 (!) books he has in mind, the next two are about homosexuality in Judaism and new rabbinics. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2600 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog that also may contain updates to Times of Israel posts, to which one may subscribe, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. *
He's getting ready to publicize books on: "Free Will, "Judaism and Homosexuality, "His parents in the Holocaust, "Judaism, "A New Torah Translation and "A New Hebrew Grammar, "Co-Counseling, "Vegan Facts, "Immortality, and more. *
Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He agrees that in a post-truth world, that's irrelevant, but then this is for the record. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. *
Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. *
Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. *
He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. *
He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. *
He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. *
His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. His posts are spell, grammar, and style polished by AI, but all written by himself. *
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His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1
