A Victory for Yale—Jewish Students Beat Pro-Palestinian Antisemites (Satire)

Yale’s Jewish students have beaten back an antisemitic attempt to remove the word, “Israeli” from one of the items on the school’s cafeteria menu.

Ben Cohen, a Junior majoring in Antisemitic Studies and President of the Yale Hillel House proudly proclaimed, “Victory!”

Raising his arm in the air, Cohen made the letter “V” with his index and middle finger and said, “Israeli couscous salad with spinach and tomatoes is back on the menu. Israelis and Jews of the Diaspora one, Palestinians zero. Those haters will never be able to remove or erase the word, “Israeli” from our vocabulary or our salad. It’s a total victory.”

Cohen continued, “It’s great news for us Jews. After Yale University capitulated to pro-Palestinian pressure by removing ‘Israeli’ from its salad’s name, Yale decided to rescind its decision. A great thing happened at Yale.”

To ensure this type of decision does not happen again, Yale has agreed to form a committee, composed of prestigious members of the Ivy League, to commence an investigation of antisemitic incidents occurring on the New Haven campus.”

Cohen said, “We have obtained a preliminary draft of the committee report. Here are its findings:

Mysteriously, Jewfish, once served weekly in the school’s cafeteria, has been removed from the menu. (For those of you who want to know how this fish got it’s name, one theory dates back to the story of Jonah. Since the Jewfish is a very large fish, it could have been a Jewfish that swallowed Jonah.) Further, investigation required as to who removed Jewfish from the menu and why.

Yale University has successfully fought off an attempt by the Pro-Palestinian groups to remove the Hebrew words,”Urim ve’Thummim” (Light and Truth) which are inscribed on an open book, housed in a shield in the middle of the university’s coat of arms. Pro-Palestinian wanted no Hebrew on the coat of arms or the replacement the Hebrew words with the words, “From the River to the Sea.”

The Palestinians wanted Handsome Dan, Yale’s bulldog mascot, to wear another letter on its vest, claiming that many Palestinians thought the letter “Y” stood for Yid. Their request was summarily rejected.

Cohen concluded by saying, “Yale is a role model on how to fight antisemitism. Harvard, MIT and Penn should send representatives to New Haven to learn how it’s done.”