After Noem’s Dead Dog Debacle Trump Asks for Help (Humor)

West Highland White Terrier Bruce - Angra dos Reis - RJ - Brazil---Wikimedia Commons

After Donald Trump read what the media and animal rights groups said about South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem murdering her puppy, Cricket, he was shocked. Not about the death of the pup but that anybody gave a crap about people murdering puppies. Trump accepted Noem’s excuse that her 14-month-old Wirehaired Pointer had become “untrainable” as a hunting dog, therefore she had to kill Cricket. Not being a dog person, the Donald had no clue as to how much people love dogs. He knew he needed my help. So he asked one of his aides to contact my office and to secure my services. He wanted me to create a checklist for him to use in vetting his VP candidates on the killing-of-rambunctious-pups issue.

At first, I had my qualms. I was conflicted. Should I take on this assignment? Many of my readers have known for some time that I have a slight distaste for the Donald. That I consider him a son of a bitch because he doesn’t consider a dog to be man’s best friend. The dilemma gnawed on me, but the money was good, real good. So here’s my work-product.

Dear Don,

Thank you for hiring me to assist you in vetting your selection of Vice Presidential candidates. I’ve spent the last three days pairing down my questions.

I hope you find them of value.

Questionnaire for Selecting Your Vice Presidential Candidate:

1. Have you ever murdered a 14-month-old puppy by shooting it in the head and then bragged about it in your autobiography?

2. If not, why not?

3. In order to prove your loyalty to me, are you willing to commit an act of puppycide, if I ordered you to do so?

4. If not, why not?

5. Could you simultaneously pull the trigger and yell out the words, “Donald Trump is the greatest president ever!” as you shoot the puppy?

6. Could you take that puppy’s blood, as if you were finger painting, and smear the letters MAGA on your forehead?

7. If not, why not?

8. Are you willing to lie to the press and say, “The president never commanded me to execute that dog?

9. If not, why not?

10. Do you know why I have never owned a dog?

11. If I told you it was because “I hate stupid bitches” would you find that acceptable?

12. If not, why not?

13. I know that you know that in Christianity, dogs represent faithfulness and that I’m not known for being faithful, would you hold that against me?

14. What’s your position on puppy love?

15. What’s your position on doing it doggy style?

16. Are you in favor of a statement in the Republican platform and the US Constitution protecting hunters’ rights if they accidentally shot a dog or murder it after they learn that the dog is untrainable?

17. Are you in favor of the Courts granting me qualified immunity if I abuse canines?

18. Since I have no love of dogs, especially when they’re wet and stink, are you willing to promise to never bring a dog to the White House?

Donald, my gut tells me that when you hear the answers  to the aforementioned questions you will get a real sense of who these vice presidential contenders are and whether or not they are compatible with your unique personality.

Good luck.

If you have any thoughts concerning my questionnaire, please feel free to contact my offices so that we can go over them.

Obediently yours,

Signed// Mort Laitner

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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