Press Release: Dateline, Washington D.C.
by Tzvi Fishman
On the broad steps of the Lincoln Memorial in WDC, at a press conference held by the “Joint Association of Jewish American Patriots” (JAJAP), a newly-formed union of all major Jewish organizations, combining all streams of Judaism in the United States, it was announced that from now on every Jew in America would wear special anti-Corona “astronaut suits” in preparation for the second wave of the virus expected to hit the shores of America come football season this autumn.
The representatives of the 12 member group all sported the airtight, white astronaut suits worn by burial society workers during the Corona crisis. Labels on the suits depicted the American flag aside a Star of David. Some members of the group wore actual astronaut helmets while others wore the less cumbersome headgear worn by hospital doctors and nurses in Corona intensive-care units. Sticking up from the light-weight, air-recycling packs strapped on their backs were small American flags which waved back and forth in the light breeze. Rabbi Jacob Weissenstein, spokesman for the American Association of Orthodox Congregations, read a statement on behalf of the pan-Jewish group, his long beard sticking out from his space helmet.
“We have gathered here together, a joint spectrum of Jewish American organizations, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, in our nation’s capital, to declare that the Jews of the United States of America are here in America to stay.”
In a clearly rehearsed gesture, everyone in the contingent held up signs reading: “We Love America” and waved them in the air while photographers snapped pictures of the event.
“In opposition to representatives from the Government of Israel who claim that the Corona epidemic has led myriads of American Jews to fill out registration forms to immigrate to Israel, we hereby declare that the Jews of America are staying right here to continue to build America and to make America great once again!”
Standing to the side of the group, a violinist and clarinet player began an up-paced version of the patriotic American tune “Yankee Doodle Dandy” while the Jews on the steps joined their gloved hands together and danced in a chorus line, raising their legs back and forth in time to the beat.
It goes without saying that an astronaut suit for all of the Jews in America adds up to an astronomical sum of money. The project has been made possible by the ninety-year-old billionaire philanthropist and Texas real-estate tycoon, Abe Foxbindercroft, who told this reporter, “When I was a boy growing up in this great country of ours, the national motto was ‘a hot lunch for every American child in school.’ In the same tradition, my motto today is, ‘An astronaut suit for every Jew.’ America has been a Promised Land to the Jews who arrived penniless to its golden shores from the ghettos of Europe, and we are not about to abandon our adopted USA homeland at a time of national crisis. The Jews of America are Americans through and through, and we are here in this country come hell or high water. No little bug called Corona is going to scare us away.”
“What about the ancient Jewish declaration, ‘Next year in Jerusalem?’” I asked him.
“The Jews of America have a new declaration,” he answered. “Remember the Alamo!”
“Isn’t there a danger that astronaut suits just for the Jews could spark another round of Anti-Semitism? After all, the Jews have already been accused of causing the COVID-19 epidemic. Isn’t your philanthropic gesture unfair to non-Jews who can’t afford such expensive safety apparel?”
“Mr. Trump can buy them all space suits if he cares for the people of America as much as he touts. He’s got the money. Maybe it will help him get re-elected.”
“Do you plan to vote for him in the upcoming election?”
“Are you nuts? The man is a psychopath.”
“He’s been a good friend to Israel.”
“We all love Israel, but we Jews are Americans first. I’ve given the Israelis millions of dollars for all kinds of endeavors, some worthwhile and some probably a lot of hot air, but let them leave us alone and take care of themselves instead of blabbing about aliyah. We are proud Americans and we are here to stay. When I die, they can take me feet first to Israel, but as long as I’m living, the blood in my veins is red, white, and blue.”
Rabbi Suzy Wong, leader of an organization called “J-APS (Jewish American Pluralistic Society) stood to the side of the press conference, dressed in civilian clothes and holding up a protest sign which read: “There are No Jews!”
I asked her why she was demonstrating.
“Our society of over 2 million constituents is, by far, the largest Jewish organization in America. We don’t believe that people are Jewish, or Christian, or Muslim, or Buddhists, Israeli or Arab, but just people, in a world without differences, where everyone is equal in the eyes of the Nature Creator, rich or poor, Black or White, gay or straight. Corona doesn’t make a distinction between people. Why should we?”
At the end of the press conference, followed by a swarm of TV cameramen, Chris Christopher, Director of the influential organization, Jewish Democratic Communities (JDL), mounted the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial and bowed down in his astronaut suit before the statue of Abraham Lincoln.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“I am paying homage to a great Jewish American,” he replied.
“What?” I exclaimed in surprise. “Lincoln wasn’t a Jew.”
“Sure he was,” the Jewish leader answered. “He was shot in the temple.”