Ask Dr. Stupid

John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” Okay. I had to get that joke out of the way because it makes melaugh every time I hear Kerry’s name. Now…

Only after the shooting of Rabbi Yehuda Glick, allegedly by convictedterrorist Moataz Hejazi, an Islamic Jihad member, did John Kerry say he was “extremely concerned” about escalating violence in Jerusalem.  This made me wonder if there is any connection between the fact that Kerry’s face is horse-like and the fact that he has no problem closing the barn door after the horse has gotten away.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, who some say did not really earnthe Purple Hearts he received during the Viet Nam War, and advisedIsraeli authorities to close the Temple Mount in an effort to not upset”anyone” who might then resort to violent.   According to this logic, shooting a rabbi is not an act that might escalate violence, but closing it in order to prevent violence as a reaction to the assassination attempt of a rabbi must be avoided.

So I’m trying to make some sense of this. Painting swastikas on theholy site – no problem. The shooting and attempted murder of YehudaGlick — what are you making a big gadilla about? He’s still breathing. Buthow dare the Israeli government even contemplate closing this holy site   How dare the Israelis not allow more killing of more Jews at the Templ Mount? Those Jews – so mashugana! And those pesky Jews and their

IDF are always starting up with those nice young Jihadists. A shonda! But as Secretary of State, part of his job is to advise the POTUS and,apparently, the rest of the world.   And he’s the right man for the right job. I’ve done a little research, and what follows are some more super-great, super-brilliant, super-objective alleged advice given by our esteemed Secretary of State, John Kerry.

*  “Come on, Prime Minister Chamberlain – let them have the Sudetenland and they’ll leave us all alone.”

*“I know this guy, Bernie Madoff – he can turn your thousands into billions — trust me!”

“You know, education, if you make the most of it and you study hard and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

“Fake it til you make it. Or marry the Heinz Ketchup heiress.”

“Hurricane Sandy? Sure, get an umbrella, maybe one of those Paddington raincoats, but I promise – it’ll be a sun shower.”
“Let me just say that I am . . . absolutely convinced that carefully calibrated diplomacy, that if that is what we engage in, that Syria will play a very important role in achieving a comprehensive peace in the region and in putting an end to the five decades of conflict that have plagued everybody in this region.”

“What’s the worst he can do, Queen Boleyn – chop off your head?”

“I thoroughly endorse Obamacare because I like my insurance and I can keep it. Period.   Of course, it’s not Obamacare.”

“It’s just a mis-shapen freckle that keeps changing in size. Stop thinking about it – it’ll go away.”

 “General Custer, I say we attack. What’s the worst-case scenario?”

Just because Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has said, ‘Let the Jews pay for it”, “the Jewish lobby intimidates a lot of people’ and ‘The State Department has become adjunct to the Israeli foreign minister’s office,’ doesn’t mean he’s anti-Semitic. Now, the Brown Shirts hanging in his closet in Bergesgarten, I’m sure there’s a good explanation for that…”

“If you live in Massachusetts, always dock your new $7,000,000 yacht in Rhode Island because you can save $500,000 in taxes.”

“Hurricane Sandy? Sure, get an umbrella, maybe one of those Paddington rain slickers, but I promise – it’ll be a sun shower.”

 “If a police officer pulls you over and asks, “You drinking?” always respond with “You buying?”

“Of course you should play another round, President Obama. After all, ISIS already chopped off their heads – what are you going to do – sew them back on? Fore!”

And now some advice for John Kerry from me:

“Never pass up a good chance to shut up.”

About the Author
Mollie Fermaglich is a political satirist and humor writer and has written for several publications including The New York Times, London Times, King Features Syndicate, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Mademoiselle, The Times of Israel, and many other newspapers and magazines. Additionally, she has written extensively for television and film, including writing for CBS, Nickelodeon, Disney, Paramount, Jane Startz Productions, and was a nominee for a Writer's Guild of America Award.