Avinatan Or: Beacon of light in a dark tunnel

This is Avinatan. My student, Avinatan, is one of the 59 hostages still trapped in Gaza — one of those we are fighting to bring home. Avinatan was kidnapped and taken to Gaza together with his partner, Noa Argamani, who was rescued in June. Instead of sitting at home to rest and heal, Noa now travels the world, fighting for Avinatan and all of the hostages still held in Gaza. Passover, the holiday of freedom, is approaching. This will be Avinatan’s second Passover in the tunnels of Gaza.

Avinatan Or – Photo courtesy Or Family

Avinatan’s mother, Ditza, gave him the perfect name: Avi-Natan-Or: Our Father gave us light. And so it is: Avinatan is a beacon of light in a tunnel deep beneath the ground. If you close your eyes, you can feel his light glowing in that dark, unforgiving place. I picture him there, in a tunnel, sitting on the ground, his ridiculously long legs stretched out in front of him, waiting to come home. His spirit glows. His inner light is shimmering — though perhaps flickering by now, weakened by hunger, thirst and pain. Flickering, maybe, but never extinguished.

We know that Avinatan is there, alive and hanging on, because we received a message of hope just two weeks ago. Avinatan was recently seen alive in a tunnel, surviving despite intolerable conditions. Not a happy message, but nevertheless, a sign of life. I know that Avinatan is surviving because I know Avinatan. He is my student. He is in my heart. I stand together with his mother and siblings. I feel Avinatan in my life every day. And I know something about Avinatan that he shared one day in class: Avinatan is a king.

Avinatan knows the secret of Badulina. In the kingdom of Badulina everybody knows they have a choice to make, no matter the situation: Either you react like a victim — or you react like a king. Badulina, by Gabi Nitzan, is Avinatan’s favorite book. It’s not just a book to him. It’s a world view, a way of life. In Badulina, every person makes a choice.

Avinatan Or at work. Photo courtesy Or Family

I am a geek who teaches geeks. We geeks love solving puzzles and playing geeky games. We get excited about new software and, in Avinatan’s case, firmware, too. When I ask my students to give a book recommendation, most of them choose books about business, technology, or science. But when it was Avinatan’s turn to speak, we were in for a surprise. This electrical engineer told us about a far-away land with magical people. We listened, captivated by his description of Badulina and what it meant to him.

Beach, Beer, Badulina: Avinatan Or – Photo courtesy Or Family

I picture Avinatan, in the tunnel, closing his eyes and traveling to Badulina, where everyone can be a king, not a victim. I picture Avinatan making the conscious decision every day to be the master of his fate. Maybe he is thinking of the delicacies of Badulina that he has yet to taste, like eggplant jam. Or maybe he is thinking of his Ima Ditza’s schnitzel or chicken soup.

Avinatan and Badulina remind me of my favorite poem, “Invictus.” Mention that poem to my siblings and they will groan, with good reason. I have been reciting “Invictus” since I was in second grade. I still recite that poem, whether anyone wants to hear it or not. It started over 65 years ago when my father offered to pay me 25 cents if I could recite that poem. 25 cents was a lot of money to a 7-year-old in those days. So I learned the poem and started reciting it at every opportunity.

Growing up, Dad taught me lots of poems. He would recite them and I’d repeat after him. For me, it was a kind of game. For Dad, it was a challenge. I was not a good reader, but thanks to our poetry game, I learned to repeat what I heard verbatim. Now I realize how much Dad’s game shaped my life and my career. We didn’t have the diagnosis of learning disabilities back then. No one knew why I could barely read. I’m not sure what Dad thought about it. But I know he wanted me to learn. Through poetry, he found a way to share his love of words with me. Stevenson, Frost, Whitman, and Henley. They are all with me today, thanks to my Dad.

Screenshot of the author speaking about Avinatan at Hostage Square.

When Dad helped me memorize Invictus, I had no idea what most of the words meant. Dad explained them to me: unconquerable, circumstance; bludgeonings … I had no way of knowing back then that my life would turn and twist in ways that would make that poem an anthem for me. I still recite “Invictus.” I still need to remind myself that I can be the captain of my soul. I can choose to be a victim or a king. I still choose to be a king.

And now I recite Invictus for Avinatan. I wake up every day thinking of Avinatan and praying my silent, secular prayer for him. Be a king, Avinatan. Close your eyes and go to Badulina. Wake up every day and decide to survive. Decide to shine your light in the darkest tunnel. Avinatan, you are a king and you will come home to us alive. Your kingdom is waiting.