Because of Who We Are

“That’s the thanks I get?!” Jeff was right to be furious. Some years ago he sat in my study trying to process his frustration. He’d gone out of his way to be generous with his neighbor up the road. He’d expended a lot of time, energy, and effort to help him out. Of course, he didn’t extend himself to get rewarded. But when Jeff needed a favor, that same neighbor couldn’t be bothered.

It was Jeff himself, not anything I said that day, who was able to arrive at an insight that helped. After he’d vented for quite a while, I recall him saying, “I guess we don’t do things for what we may get in return. We do them because of who we are.” Amen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this maxim lately. For a couple of reasons. First, because we long to hear validation, words like “now I get what you’re feeling, what you’re going through.” And it’s likely we never will. Second, doing things for intrinsic reasons, because they’re right, is a discipline that we need to practice more. Particularly, when responses from others are more violating than validating. 

The Torah understands how easy it is to feel betrayed. Not merely unappreciated, but truly betrayed. This week’s portion includes a ritual for an utter-breakdown in marital trust (the Sotah, Num 5:11-31). Jealousy and suspicion dissolve any traces of love. And yet, the public reading of this particular passage doesn’t conclude until we get to the blessed-word Shalom, which concludes the Priestly Blessing (Num 6:23-27). Shalom means more than peace. More than a warm greeting. It also means wholeness. Contentment. It signals a less-agitated emotional condition. Doing something because it’s right, rather than because of a reward, is a leading indicator that Shalom is enjoying a warm-visit within you. 

The sages call something done for the intrinsic, right reasons, a thing done for the sake of heaven. Also, it’s how they characterize the best arguments. Arguments that seek virtue instead of victory. 

Emotional fevers today are overheated, with good reason. Feelings do deserve their due. And so do acts of private goodness for which we’re never thanked. Acts which, you deeply know, can plenish your life with the cleansing and refreshing sensations of Shalom.

May the one who makes Shalom in the heavens, help us furnish our inner-lives with a foretaste of heaven right here and now.