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Esther Altmann

Between my Head and My Heart

I have been immersed in the many exquisitely written reflections on how to celebrate Simchat Torah this year. The outpouring of teachings has been scholarly, creative, nuanced, and psychologically attuned. The many perspectives on dancing with the Torah while holding our aching hearts provide spiritual and intellectual sustenance and reflect what we have always done in our times of dire distress – mine our texts and traditions for guidance, comfort, and new paths. This skill has been honed from the many generations of rabbis who preceded us. We have inherited their fortitude and wisdom to navigate oppression, murder, and profound loss. 

Communal leaders shoulder a heavy burden. They are compelled to speak about holding hope for the future, seeing cracks of light through the darkness, and gathering strength in one another. They remind us that Purim was celebrated in the Warsaw Ghetto and that there were seders in the death camps. And they need to do so.

Yet, no matter the essay’s brilliance or the sermon’s eloquence, I have found little comfort. I just don’t want to dance on Simchat Torah this year. My mind takes in the message and learns the tractates of Talmud, Torah texts, historical anecdotes, and the many earnest efforts to harness this moment. How do we dance this Simchat Torah? Can we? Should we? Will we? How can we not?

Yes, we can hold opposing feelings at the same time – hope and hopelessness, love and hate, joy and grief, rage at our enemies and anguish for the many innocent lives lost in this war, both ours and theirs. We can also feel one way and think another way. But I am too weary to both think and feel, particularly now when my thoughts and feelings do not align. My mind is restless, my heart broken. 

My file of drashot about October 7th and Simchat Torah expands daily. And I keep reading. However, this Simchat Torah, I need to follow my heart. Although I can’t dance, I will listen when we begin the cycle of reading the Torah once again, Bereshit barah Elohim; in the beginning, God created…

 

About the Author
Esther Altmann, Ph.D., is the Director of Pastoral Training at Yeshivat Maharat and a psychologist in private practice.
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