Can I Cause You to Feel Upset?

What’s the question!? Of course you can!

Don’t we all exclaim, “You caused me to feel angry!” “You caused me to loose my temper etc…”

Isn’t this is how we all naturally feel and respond when someone says or does something that we dislike or find hurtful etc?

Marshall Rosenberg in his book “Nonviolent Communication” states that our responses are false accusations!

How can that be? What does he mean?

He makes the following startling statement

“What others say or do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

What does this mean? He explains.

“Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say or do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. We need to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.

“When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism.

“For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” If choosing to take it personally, we might react: “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgement and blame ourselves. We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame and depression.

“A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met, we might protest: You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.

“When receiving negative messages, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our effort to be recognized.

“Finally, a fourth option on receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”

“We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts.”

He states: “Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment.

A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”

B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”

Speaker A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person’s action. Speaker B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.”

He gives another example.

“If someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that he cares about us, we may feel hurt.

If instead, our need is to spend time purposely and constructively we may feel frustrated.

But if our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude we may be grateful for his tardiness and feel pleased.”

He states a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings.

1. “Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:  “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
2. The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because …” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I:  “I feel angry because the supervisor broke his promise.” “I feel hurt because you said …..”
3. Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”  “Mummy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”

“In each of these sentences we need to become aware of our responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel…..because I …”

For example:

1. “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
2. “I feel angry that the supervisor broke his promise because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my family.”
3. “Mummy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”

But he acknowledges the great difficulty in putting all this into practice.

He states; “we’ve all learned things that limit us as human beings, whether from well-intentioned parents, teachers, or others. It takes tremendous energy and awareness to recognize this destructive learning and to transform it into behavior and thoughts that are of value and of service to life.

“This transformation requires a literacy of needs and the ability to get in touch with ourselves, both of which are difficult for people in our culture. Not only have we never been educated about our needs, we are often exposed to cultural training that actively blocks our consciousness of them. As mentioned earlier, we have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority. Our culture implies that needs are negative and destructive; the word needy applied to a person suggests inadequacy or immaturity. When people express their needs, they are often labelled selfish, and the use of the personal pronoun I is at times equated with selfishness or neediness.

“In a world where we’re often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening. Women in particular, are susceptible to criticism. For centuries, the image of the loving woman has been associated with sacrifice and the denial of one’s own needs to take care of others. Because women are socialized to view care taking of others as their highest duty, they often learn to ignore their own needs.”

From all the above we see that the root cause of our feelings is our needs.

I wonder, are there any Rabbis, educators or therapists who disagree with M. Rosenberg? Isn’t the search for the truth, the root cause of our feelings – our needs – the only authentic approach in eradicating ALL blaming and machloiket?  And of course, sinat chinom once and for all?!